demakat

Despite wanting to see it I have just now seen Boxtrolls. It was good in the way a good book (which now I have to read it) is good but leaves you sad afterwards. I always wish I had someone to cuddle with when I feel like this. Curl up and go to sleep thinking of boxtrolls.

I watched this ted talk By Elizabeth Gilbert. She's the lady who wrote the book Eat, Pray, Love. Which I have read and thought was okay. But in the ted talk I linked* the thing I took away was Home. It's a really concise way to explain what I've felt like lately, and in the past year or so. Maybe it's been longer, I don't have a good sense of time. What brings me home?

I have a select group of people that remind me of who I am, and who I want to be. I may always have a hard time dealing with their seemingly irrational love of me, but I know it's there.

Most importantly though, I realized that drawing brings me home. It has just been a long time since I've stayed there. I don't want to stay, because it is hard. It's going to get hard. It will probably never be easy. I think of all the times that I just fling about "maybe I'll be a writer" as though it would be so easy. But it would be. It's way easier to get rejected over something I care less about. Writing is obviously not something I have ever spent time working on, it just happens to be a medium where I can more easily express myself than speaking. But art, is something where I do it even when my job is being a signmaker, lettering and often drawing. I do it when I'm stressed out... especially when I'm stressed out.

There are so many things I'm trying to work on. It seems like too many things sometimes, but many of them have been in the thinking stage for way longer than I wanted.

In the mean time I may look into getting a city/town job. My brother is making comparatively crazy amounts of money without having to travel very far at all. They have office jobs, so my inability to run a backhoe isn't really an issue. I just have to find the jobs and apply for them. It seems like a way better option than working customer service for a life insurance company, which seem to be the only other well paying jobs in the area.


*Her other ted talk on creative genius. Which isn't limited to artists.

I don't make resolutions. I don't often work with goals, I work with deadlines.

But after a year (or nearly two in one case) of nothing at all being about me, I'm tired. The same way I'm an excellent functioning mess, I also have started compulsively taking on work that I don't want to do. Possibly/probably because of the last year where I just had to suck it up and keep going. So I've continued the pattern, and it's doing absolutely nothing to promote what I want to do, or who I want to be.

I want to paint, and experiment with turning my people drawings into paintings. Maybe without the use of black...because it would be such a contrast from the black and white drawings themselves.

I want to travel. There were a lot of travel plans placed on 2015 that haven't been talked about for a long while, but I also have some personal ones.

I want to do more things by and for myself. I just visited the David Bowie exhibit down town, and aside from a really shitty wet day it was pretty awesome. I didn't actually know much about Bowie, but I was interested and the ticket was only 25 dollars for a guaranteed time slot.

I want get into science more. Physics has either gained some mainstream appeal lately, or I am just more aware of it. Either way I am incredibly intrigued. I also find chemistry interesting. I put something up on facebook about string theory and it was not well interacted with. I am disappointed I don't know more people who comprehend science enough to read articles about it, understand and even like them. I hope to couple this want with the doing more things by and for myself because I would like to talk about science and theories with more people.

I want to do yoga, or generally some sort of activity for myself. I feel better when I do yoga once or more times a week. I don't really care about the woo-woo parts of it (as my marketer calls it) I just know it makes me feel better, and that is the ultimate goal this year. To not feel so shitty all the time.

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I had a talk with my dad about this interview I have on tuesday. I kept saying I didn't know what to do and he kept saying yes I do.
Every 2 to 3 years I get all restless and start to dislike where I work. I feel like I need a change. This time because of the momentum where I'm just taking on things I don't particularly want to do, I applied for jobs everywhere. All of my previous 2 year changes where to get a different and often better job. Yet this job, while I'm more than fully capable, would mean additional driving time and cost. Which are two of many things keeping me from achieving things from the list above.

It doesn't help that many of my friends and family are tired of seeing me get passed over for things. They all think I'm amazing and I am no where near that confident in myself. It's not a matter of just switching it in my brain to thinking I'm awesome or that I can super do the job, and I need to take time to practice that for myself as well.

In the end I don't know if I should waste people's time with my interview so I can show them that I'm great but don't really want this job...

My god I am a fucking powerhouse of amazing things, but I don't know how to stand up in front of people and say so yet.

I finally cleared off my second desk, plugged in my lamp and set up my new tiny christmas tree. Accidental ornaments leads to... little kid style ones made of beads, snowmen (where did I eve get all of these O.o?) and roosters. I never got ornaments because I "don't have a christmas tree" because I don't have my own place. It sounds however like I'm getting more as gifts and it's hard to feel happy about that. It's hard not to feel disappointed in myself because I always told myself I could get a christmas tree when I moved out. I'm not though.

Had an emo-moment in the walmart parking lot yesterday. I saw a picture of someone I know being happy and having a dog after having moved to california over a year ago. It was painful on so many levels, though I don't think I would have been as in love with california as she is. Crying still happened. Thankfully walmart is the land of the hot-mess and so I fit right in.

Then there's the guy that I use to work with. On facebook he is so painfully adorable. Glee in matching clothing and personal appearance adorable. Which is really what I find funny about my brain finding him appealing. I don't really put much effort into my clothing or how I look, I just show up. (see hot-parkinglot-mess above) I would never be fun enough, or pretty enough, or even remotely presentable enough for him. Which is me deciding that he should have a fun and pretty girlfriend, he deserves to be happy (whatever the hell that is for him, because I don't really know. It requires talking to people)

The point is, that I have actually identified my problem. I don't think I am worth much at all, and I'll never be enough of anything. This is what I believe. So when people tell me all the things they tell me, or say about me to others, it's in direct conflict to this belief. I can hear them all, but it all falls off like I'm wearing armor. Which is probably what this belief is. If I am worthless then I can never be hurt, because no one can cut me lower than I think I am.

Sadly being aware of this doesn't actually solve it. I have no idea how to solve it. Most of the time I just ignore it and that works pretty well. Until I'm confronted with it, and then it usually results in crying until I forget again. Which obviously isn't really working, or fixing anything. repeat!

Hooray I figured it out? I am dejected kicked dog...but I did it to myself?
I'm out of analogies. Nothing like being attracted to men to make me completely lose my mind. Boo.

edit: maybe this is why I want a dog. They generally think their people are the complete world and I want something to consistently confront me with the fact that I am worthy of love? seems like a stretch... whatever.

edit2: and then the book I'm reading mentioned this song. Massive amounts of blubbering. Hallelujah

and again...
"Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging" Bingo.

I keep feeling like I'm not good enough. I know I work hard, and my problem solving skills make me accidentally at least passable at anything I do. Yet I have always felt like the things I'm required to present to other people aren't enough. Interestingly though, I don't strive for perfection. I just allow myself to sit in 'not good enough' with a resounding "well, whatever". The balance between people's appreciations making me feel extremely awkward ('can you just please stop gushing, I printed something for you. It is REALLY no big deal') and wanting to feel useful and wanted.

Made toast and coffee for breakfast. Got into a long feminism talk with my mom and one sister, about how it hurts men a lot too. Then on my second cup of coffee I was thinking to myself, while arguing for savory sweet potatoes over sicky sweet at thanksgiving, about how I don't do childish things. How I should probably talk to someone who's trained in helping people untangle their own minds, because it's sort of free through work. And finally, the last time I remember talking to someone, about college and what I wanted to do.

I wanted to go to Evergreen State college, because I wanted to do art. Then I decided that bio was probably a better way to go. Applied to in-state schools and right before we really paid for anything got told that I couldn't take art classes while I was being a biology student there. Backed out of that, and decided that maybe it was really art I loved after all. Was in the process of getting the right course-work for a private school that had illustration. But why go there for the same amount of money that it would cost me to go to the city's fancy art school. Went there for a semester, hated it. Got a degree in graphic design from somewhere near by so I could learn really well how to use the Adobe programs.

SO. Why didn't I just go to evergreen state and get my bougie art degree and become an artist. I wanted to not be my dad, who doesn't like the people he works for, though he is exceptionally good at the job he does. Though they never made a point of pressuring me, as the oldest I always felt the subtle pressure to do better than my parents. Yet here I am still living in their house. Why does having wanted to go to that school STILL feel like being irresponsible. I just imagine being too stubborn to call my parents and ask for help when I know they don't have money. And I can imagine actually finally asking for help, and not knowing how they would even provide that to me. Being an additional tax on their resources when I was the one who decided to just do "whatever".

Yet everyone wants me to write stories. My dad and one of my friends have been telling me for years to illustrate children's books. Drawing a bicycles and flash cards for my nephew is different from making something that will likely get rejected, or worse, will be loved by children.

There's some video of Jim Carry doing a commencement speech going around, where he tells of his father who could have been an amazing comedian. Instead his father thought to do something safe and be an accountant, but then he got laid off. That it's possible to fail at something you don't want. So why not try at something you do want, even though you might fail.

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and then my mom came by my room and we cried at one another about this, and how I have a captive audience in my nephew and that he would love if I made books for him.

So really, at the end. I'm in a better frame of mind from where I was friday. I guess I have new projects, though I have to complete the great christmas gift quest. I'm listening to folk metal, because it's "christmas music" to me. And now I'm headed to the store with my mom and sister in order to gear up for the festival of foods.

I got up at 6:30, only to accidentally get sucked into a book and fail to get out and get an oil change until 8:30. I tried to get my tired rotated as well, but the only day they're open on the weekend is saturday so by the time I got over there it was a 3 hour wait. It got cold finally and everyone likes to freak out and the place is probably having to get a lot of SUV snow tires out of storage.

Finally got an email back about actually being selected for an interview. If anything the running theme through my life seems to be getting people to say stuff. I just want people to straight say things instead of dancing around it as though we don't all know that I was the only candidate as of the 6th or so. This is a selfish request because I don't often say things straight to other people unless someone specifically asks*. We're all just dancing around each other. At least when I'm alone I don't have to do that, I can just be.

I keep flipping between, it being a mistake to have friended someone on facebook or a good thing. I still believe they're an amazing person, even though I have very little first hand evidence of that. They just may not be an amazing person for me to interact with. Or maybe I'm getting weird. It's hard not to feel consumed by the people you work with daily, especially when they're often annoyed or raging. I still feel less even than I did going into the city.

I got called lazy in conversation at work. It felt like those times where you make fun of your siblings, but no one else is allowed to. I'm allowed to say I'm lazy, but if you don't have a valid point then you aren't. The fact that I want to do something as a group and everyone in chicago seems to be obsessed with making a band and that might be a thing to do but I don't like practicing by myself (because I don't care about playing music, I care about doing something as a group)... doesn't make me lazy. I am annoyed that I felt offended however.

My ability to do nothing but wait all of this out is also annoying. I'm not good at being patient. Finally my life is not a giant crazy town, but everything is only unmoving for a short time.

*doesn't help that it's generally considered rude to be direct, and people take many things very personally when that's not the point being made.

everything smells like skunk. Our dane got skunked on this day last year as well. Everything inside the house just absorbs the smell and then I go places smelling funky.

I don't feel like I connect with people who very likely have an actual anxiety disorder, and I'm disappointed? Maybe because even if they're upset on the inside I still feel at ease with them. I just never do anything about it. If we could both get over our issues for a second, that would be a most awesome hug I think. Then I would probably melt into a puddle.

I keep gaining friends who are in really great relationships that seem to work for them so well. I can't help feeling sad, like I'll never find that. Even while I rejoice in what awesome people their significant others are.

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I got up at 4:30am, so I could make coffee and get on a train into the city by 5:20.
After realizing I couldn't get into the racer's area to see my friend start, I made it to chinatown by 7:30-ish.
From 7:30 to 11:30 I stood in chinatown waiting for racers to pass by and finally see my friend.
We spent another hour or so looking for her after she finished.
I finally headed out for the train at 1:45.
Got to the suburbs by 3:20, to the church for a rehearsal and dinner at 4.
I am just getting home at 9pm from that.

That's something like 17 hours of me doing things and being around crowds. I feel like crying even though nothing bad happened. I'm tired and I want someone else to be in charge of taking care of me for a bit.

I got mad at a completely different friend. I've been so stressed out lately with the wedding coming up and trying to do all the right things that I have no mental power left to listen, or anything I normally do for her. I got tired of hearing of comparisons and injustices. I seem to help so many people, an affliction I got from my dad, but I'm just tired. I started accepting other people's caring. Like I've gotten so worn down I have to accept their assistance. That is a major thing for me, and it means I'm changing.

I'm happy that the late night party thing turned into a trip to a daytime corn maze. I liked doing that. I'm also pleased that somehow no one gave any speeches at the rehearsal dinner.

Putting extra blankets on my bed and sleeping all the sleeps...until 4:30am tomorrow morning.

Amazingly I don't have anything to make sad faces about today. I know, its weird. Check back again later, I'm sure it will flare up at some point.

I had to work super early for an all store meeting. I got free coffee and free fruit breakfast (they put milk in the eggs usually and the potatoes seemed coated in cheese-ish stuff). Then I worked for a while and ran out of things to do. The managers were all gone and so I told the appropriate people and went home. Where I had left my wallet that morning...and I was nearly out of gas.

So that was a near major fail at life, but I got home by 12:30 and was able to get some lunch and make cookies. Tried out gluten-free flour with a vegan recipe that I un-veganed with honey. I feel better eating not bread based foods, but I get bored fast...I wish I cared for cooking more.

Sadly my source of vegetables was Ellen's cooking. Now that she's got a toddler, no more veggies for lazy me unless I make them myself. She is mostly putting vegetables into things and feeding everyone noodles because her husband eats a ton of food all at once and she grew up with "just enough" style cooking. So every time she "makes A LOT!" it's really just a regular one pot meal at my house. If I lived there I would probably be able to cook much more, but they're out of rooms and can't handle three adults in one bathroom already. Its hard to get motivated to do anything other than roast vegetables, and once I do that I just eat roasted vegetables for the next day and a half until they're gone...

I have to get the crock pot going in my room at some point to deal with this.
I should probably pay bills first.

...aaand then probably plan out foods.

The guy I work with said something that seems to be sticking with me. In school he was known for putting in the most work? He said it was because he wasn't naturally good at it. It being design in this case.

I went into graphic design because that's where I thought I could get a job and also be creative. It was easy for me to do graphic design and in reality I was fairly lazy in school.

I'm disappointed in myself. Maybe not so much for listening to people at a time when I didn't know what I wanted (and still don't) but also for not perusing something. I drew. I just happened to understand the principles of design before I knew what that was.

But now. I don't usually draw. I do things that don't feel like art, even though I guess it could be.

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I've also been disappointed that I seem to spout off more aggressive opinions than I feel I did when I was younger. I seem to say things out loud that are fleeting, yet those are the words that people learn to associate with me.

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I want to go to bed soon, but it's only 9. I wondering if this year I need to get a light to sit by, or if it's just because I'm torturing myself by writing down things I'd want in a partner. Like being gentle and soft. Fall makes me feel lonely because it's cuddling season, which is the ideal time to know someone soft and gentle.

Really I should just stop making internet flails and go make lunch for tomorrow.

( TL.DR Life is being internally emotionally tragic, outwardly intense, and I somehow ended up with three days of freedom and I don't know what to do with myself. )

I am so incredibly hungry. I don't understand. I'm angry at being hungry, because I don't want to have to feed myself. I don't want food. I want to sleep, but I can't because it's only 8pm and I can't sleep when my stomach is all growly anyhow. *irrational anger and crazy*