Jan. 23rd, 2015 10:54 pm
demakat: (Default)
Despite wanting to see it I have just now seen Boxtrolls. It was good in the way a good book (which now I have to read it) is good but leaves you sad afterwards. I always wish I had someone to cuddle with when I feel like this. Curl up and go to sleep thinking of boxtrolls.

I watched this ted talk By Elizabeth Gilbert. She's the lady who wrote the book Eat, Pray, Love. Which I have read and thought was okay. But in the ted talk I linked* the thing I took away was Home. It's a really concise way to explain what I've felt like lately, and in the past year or so. Maybe it's been longer, I don't have a good sense of time. What brings me home?

I have a select group of people that remind me of who I am, and who I want to be. I may always have a hard time dealing with their seemingly irrational love of me, but I know it's there.

Most importantly though, I realized that drawing brings me home. It has just been a long time since I've stayed there. I don't want to stay, because it is hard. It's going to get hard. It will probably never be easy. I think of all the times that I just fling about "maybe I'll be a writer" as though it would be so easy. But it would be. It's way easier to get rejected over something I care less about. Writing is obviously not something I have ever spent time working on, it just happens to be a medium where I can more easily express myself than speaking. But art, is something where I do it even when my job is being a signmaker, lettering and often drawing. I do it when I'm stressed out... especially when I'm stressed out.

There are so many things I'm trying to work on. It seems like too many things sometimes, but many of them have been in the thinking stage for way longer than I wanted.

In the mean time I may look into getting a city/town job. My brother is making comparatively crazy amounts of money without having to travel very far at all. They have office jobs, so my inability to run a backhoe isn't really an issue. I just have to find the jobs and apply for them. It seems like a way better option than working customer service for a life insurance company, which seem to be the only other well paying jobs in the area.

*Her other ted talk on creative genius. Which isn't limited to artists.
demakat: (pinefresh)

I filled up another sketch book. I can't help feeling bad lately though. My mom mentioned how the past year was kind of like being at war (which even she admits is an extreme analogy) and that coming down from that might be hard.

I keep trying to remind myself to be nice to ME. But that usually results in crying. Then other people are nice to me as well and I feel overwhelmed. Which contradicts completely with my wanting to love someone and be loved. I'm trying to figure out what I'm afraid of. Some of it must stem from not being enough for other people. I am always enough for me, provided my hands still work even to a reasonable degree, but I often worry that I'm not acting right. That I'm not acting enough, saying enough, tending to others correctly. That I couldn't possibly make someone else happy. Inevitably I feel more like this after making some minor social blunder, as I've managed recently.

After reading that book on vulnerability I've realized that I don't actually express myself. Yes I say all this here while I try to figure out just what in the hell is going on. But it's not really being vulnerable. People get the option to do as they please about my whining, it's a safety where I don't have to deal with any real consequences.

I need to plan and do things. ...I need to take a shower and probably cry about this some more. And try to remember that I'm not useless, I'm just sad and scared and I'm going to keep trying anyhow.

edit: I ate dinner and picked a rock out of my mom's bowl. It said "let go of expectations". I also ate a lot of peanut butter and now I'm all pressure-y and my heart beat feels weird. Damn it. Don't do this to me peanut butter :(
demakat: (pinefresh)
I don't make resolutions. I don't often work with goals, I work with deadlines.

But after a year (or nearly two in one case) of nothing at all being about me, I'm tired. The same way I'm an excellent functioning mess, I also have started compulsively taking on work that I don't want to do. Possibly/probably because of the last year where I just had to suck it up and keep going. So I've continued the pattern, and it's doing absolutely nothing to promote what I want to do, or who I want to be.

I want to paint, and experiment with turning my people drawings into paintings. Maybe without the use of black...because it would be such a contrast from the black and white drawings themselves.

I want to travel. There were a lot of travel plans placed on 2015 that haven't been talked about for a long while, but I also have some personal ones.

I want to do more things by and for myself. I just visited the David Bowie exhibit down town, and aside from a really shitty wet day it was pretty awesome. I didn't actually know much about Bowie, but I was interested and the ticket was only 25 dollars for a guaranteed time slot.

I want get into science more. Physics has either gained some mainstream appeal lately, or I am just more aware of it. Either way I am incredibly intrigued. I also find chemistry interesting. I put something up on facebook about string theory and it was not well interacted with. I am disappointed I don't know more people who comprehend science enough to read articles about it, understand and even like them. I hope to couple this want with the doing more things by and for myself because I would like to talk about science and theories with more people.

I want to do yoga, or generally some sort of activity for myself. I feel better when I do yoga once or more times a week. I don't really care about the woo-woo parts of it (as my marketer calls it) I just know it makes me feel better, and that is the ultimate goal this year. To not feel so shitty all the time.


I had a talk with my dad about this interview I have on tuesday. I kept saying I didn't know what to do and he kept saying yes I do.
Every 2 to 3 years I get all restless and start to dislike where I work. I feel like I need a change. This time because of the momentum where I'm just taking on things I don't particularly want to do, I applied for jobs everywhere. All of my previous 2 year changes where to get a different and often better job. Yet this job, while I'm more than fully capable, would mean additional driving time and cost. Which are two of many things keeping me from achieving things from the list above.

It doesn't help that many of my friends and family are tired of seeing me get passed over for things. They all think I'm amazing and I am no where near that confident in myself. It's not a matter of just switching it in my brain to thinking I'm awesome or that I can super do the job, and I need to take time to practice that for myself as well.

In the end I don't know if I should waste people's time with my interview so I can show them that I'm great but don't really want this job...

My god I am a fucking powerhouse of amazing things, but I don't know how to stand up in front of people and say so yet.
demakat: (Default)
I was trying to explain why I'm resistant to going over to people's houses to visit with friends and my dad said I was a crappy friend. Coupled with my recent self-consciousness about being a boring person, I'm kind of tapped out on the 'be a normal person front'. I'm sure it was just something he blurted out because I was kind of thinking out loud and didn't have a fully formed opinion/expression yet. I still feel bad though, and it's giving more ammo to my brain telling me I'm a worthless person.

On a brighter note, my aunt's house was fairly nice. Which is interesting because normally it's socially uncomfortable. My grandma's house was socially uncomfortable and normally it's kind of neutral. What a twist. Prooobably something to do with one of my cousins being super on pain meds or something and acting weird. It is interesting to know that none of them have boy/girlfriends either and they subscribe to a more "conventional" way of life. So I don't feel like as much of a loser.

I am really glad that everyone I got things for liked them, or at least found them absurd. Which is my other goal if I can't find something people will like. I got one of my sisters in the gift exchange at my grandma's. So I got her a gift card for the store she wanted, and then I went to the thrift store and bought mini blinds. Taped the card to the mini blinds and wrapped the whole thing. It was amusing. I hope we end up switching to white elephant, but even if we don't I'm still going to get my next pick something weird again.

Next year mugs is so on though. Merry Mugmas.
demakat: (pinefresh)
I finally cleared off my second desk, plugged in my lamp and set up my new tiny christmas tree. Accidental ornaments leads to... little kid style ones made of beads, snowmen (where did I eve get all of these O.o?) and roosters. I never got ornaments because I "don't have a christmas tree" because I don't have my own place. It sounds however like I'm getting more as gifts and it's hard to feel happy about that. It's hard not to feel disappointed in myself because I always told myself I could get a christmas tree when I moved out. I'm not though.

Had an emo-moment in the walmart parking lot yesterday. I saw a picture of someone I know being happy and having a dog after having moved to california over a year ago. It was painful on so many levels, though I don't think I would have been as in love with california as she is. Crying still happened. Thankfully walmart is the land of the hot-mess and so I fit right in.

Then there's the guy that I use to work with. On facebook he is so painfully adorable. Glee in matching clothing and personal appearance adorable. Which is really what I find funny about my brain finding him appealing. I don't really put much effort into my clothing or how I look, I just show up. (see hot-parkinglot-mess above) I would never be fun enough, or pretty enough, or even remotely presentable enough for him. Which is me deciding that he should have a fun and pretty girlfriend, he deserves to be happy (whatever the hell that is for him, because I don't really know. It requires talking to people)

The point is, that I have actually identified my problem. I don't think I am worth much at all, and I'll never be enough of anything. This is what I believe. So when people tell me all the things they tell me, or say about me to others, it's in direct conflict to this belief. I can hear them all, but it all falls off like I'm wearing armor. Which is probably what this belief is. If I am worthless then I can never be hurt, because no one can cut me lower than I think I am.

Sadly being aware of this doesn't actually solve it. I have no idea how to solve it. Most of the time I just ignore it and that works pretty well. Until I'm confronted with it, and then it usually results in crying until I forget again. Which obviously isn't really working, or fixing anything. repeat!

Hooray I figured it out? I am dejected kicked dog...but I did it to myself?
I'm out of analogies. Nothing like being attracted to men to make me completely lose my mind. Boo.

edit: maybe this is why I want a dog. They generally think their people are the complete world and I want something to consistently confront me with the fact that I am worthy of love? seems like a stretch... whatever.

edit2: and then the book I'm reading mentioned this song. Massive amounts of blubbering. Hallelujah

and again...
"Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging" Bingo.
demakat: (Default)
I knitted half of a hat and apparently I need a break. To be fair to myself its an entire hood/cowl combo, so very long hat.

Minor work related fiascoes, like having to maybe re-apply for the job I current hold because everyone is confused. Being told that I don't stand much of a chance in applying for another job, and maybe I want to do something different (easier...) because I don't have years of experience like the other people. Realizing I DON'T want years of experience doing this, and there is no pathway out within my current job. I also don't see why I have to listen to my managers just because that's their title, if they are doing a crap job. I also can't explain what the issue is and see that they are aware or working through it. So how can I trust people that express no evidence of problem solving skills?

Then yesterday I successfully made two batches of muffins around my sister trying to cook in the same kitchen. I wrapped a ton of gifts that are bought things and I made a list of boxey things I need to get for other gifts (after looking through my stash). I am super pleased with my Christmas wrapping paper styling this year, with the added benefit of it not being black wrapping paper so the more discomforted people can relax a little.

...and then I got derailed from this post by looking up classes on medieval swordfighting. Also needed to explain to a friend how awkward I feel longsword is, because I can't even tennis correctly. Something with the backhand or some swing and I should be using two hands for more power... and then I just rocket tennis balls into space, because two hands make the angle weird. Very messy.
How do you not die by getting rushed from the sides while fighting with a longsword? Is it just different rules and so you'd never be rushed from the sides? Is it not a group battle style?

At some point I need to address christmas cards so I can get them out in the mail tomorrow.

Oh! HOW DID ANYONE MAKE IT THROUGH THE FIRST EPISODE OF THE NEW COSMOS???!!!!! That was so cheesy I had to turn it off and go to bed!!!!!! Dur this is where we live, uh...yeah. I hope this gets better, I have a lot of sitting and yarncrafting to do.
demakat: (Default)
I keep feeling like I'm not good enough. I know I work hard, and my problem solving skills make me accidentally at least passable at anything I do. Yet I have always felt like the things I'm required to present to other people aren't enough. Interestingly though, I don't strive for perfection. I just allow myself to sit in 'not good enough' with a resounding "well, whatever". The balance between people's appreciations making me feel extremely awkward ('can you just please stop gushing, I printed something for you. It is REALLY no big deal') and wanting to feel useful and wanted.

Made toast and coffee for breakfast. Got into a long feminism talk with my mom and one sister, about how it hurts men a lot too. Then on my second cup of coffee I was thinking to myself, while arguing for savory sweet potatoes over sicky sweet at thanksgiving, about how I don't do childish things. How I should probably talk to someone who's trained in helping people untangle their own minds, because it's sort of free through work. And finally, the last time I remember talking to someone, about college and what I wanted to do.

I wanted to go to Evergreen State college, because I wanted to do art. Then I decided that bio was probably a better way to go. Applied to in-state schools and right before we really paid for anything got told that I couldn't take art classes while I was being a biology student there. Backed out of that, and decided that maybe it was really art I loved after all. Was in the process of getting the right course-work for a private school that had illustration. But why go there for the same amount of money that it would cost me to go to the city's fancy art school. Went there for a semester, hated it. Got a degree in graphic design from somewhere near by so I could learn really well how to use the Adobe programs.

SO. Why didn't I just go to evergreen state and get my bougie art degree and become an artist. I wanted to not be my dad, who doesn't like the people he works for, though he is exceptionally good at the job he does. Though they never made a point of pressuring me, as the oldest I always felt the subtle pressure to do better than my parents. Yet here I am still living in their house. Why does having wanted to go to that school STILL feel like being irresponsible. I just imagine being too stubborn to call my parents and ask for help when I know they don't have money. And I can imagine actually finally asking for help, and not knowing how they would even provide that to me. Being an additional tax on their resources when I was the one who decided to just do "whatever".

Yet everyone wants me to write stories. My dad and one of my friends have been telling me for years to illustrate children's books. Drawing a bicycles and flash cards for my nephew is different from making something that will likely get rejected, or worse, will be loved by children.

There's some video of Jim Carry doing a commencement speech going around, where he tells of his father who could have been an amazing comedian. Instead his father thought to do something safe and be an accountant, but then he got laid off. That it's possible to fail at something you don't want. So why not try at something you do want, even though you might fail.


and then my mom came by my room and we cried at one another about this, and how I have a captive audience in my nephew and that he would love if I made books for him.

So really, at the end. I'm in a better frame of mind from where I was friday. I guess I have new projects, though I have to complete the great christmas gift quest. I'm listening to folk metal, because it's "christmas music" to me. And now I'm headed to the store with my mom and sister in order to gear up for the festival of foods.
demakat: (Default)
I got up at 6:30, only to accidentally get sucked into a book and fail to get out and get an oil change until 8:30. I tried to get my tired rotated as well, but the only day they're open on the weekend is saturday so by the time I got over there it was a 3 hour wait. It got cold finally and everyone likes to freak out and the place is probably having to get a lot of SUV snow tires out of storage.

Finally got an email back about actually being selected for an interview. If anything the running theme through my life seems to be getting people to say stuff. I just want people to straight say things instead of dancing around it as though we don't all know that I was the only candidate as of the 6th or so. This is a selfish request because I don't often say things straight to other people unless someone specifically asks*. We're all just dancing around each other. At least when I'm alone I don't have to do that, I can just be.

I keep flipping between, it being a mistake to have friended someone on facebook or a good thing. I still believe they're an amazing person, even though I have very little first hand evidence of that. They just may not be an amazing person for me to interact with. Or maybe I'm getting weird. It's hard not to feel consumed by the people you work with daily, especially when they're often annoyed or raging. I still feel less even than I did going into the city.

I got called lazy in conversation at work. It felt like those times where you make fun of your siblings, but no one else is allowed to. I'm allowed to say I'm lazy, but if you don't have a valid point then you aren't. The fact that I want to do something as a group and everyone in chicago seems to be obsessed with making a band and that might be a thing to do but I don't like practicing by myself (because I don't care about playing music, I care about doing something as a group)... doesn't make me lazy. I am annoyed that I felt offended however.

My ability to do nothing but wait all of this out is also annoying. I'm not good at being patient. Finally my life is not a giant crazy town, but everything is only unmoving for a short time.

*doesn't help that it's generally considered rude to be direct, and people take many things very personally when that's not the point being made.
demakat: (pinefresh)
Interestingly I am not dead of socialization. Though it was a real worry.

My friend's son and husband got sick with strep throat at the start of the week, so I've been coming home every day. Yesterday was rough as hell though emotionally. I suddenly didn't want to be at work and I wished I was somewhere I could cry about things that certainly don't seem as important and worth crying over now. It got bad enough where I had to apologize to some coworkers because I flipped out at them and then started crying at work. Messy and tried making.

Today was better, but everything still feels slightly overwhelming.

I have letters that I need to write and I keep not being able to. Everyone's birthday is coming up. I didn't even get to wrap my dad's present before I gave it to him, and my sister's card didn't fit in the envelope that came with it. Which is a specific illustration of slightly overwhelming. This should be absurd, and I realize it is, but I also feel kind of like a failure and very tired.

Looks like I get to spend lunch wandering around outside in an attempt to not implode from lack of sun.
demakat: (pinefresh)
everything smells like skunk. Our dane got skunked on this day last year as well. Everything inside the house just absorbs the smell and then I go places smelling funky.

I don't feel like I connect with people who very likely have an actual anxiety disorder, and I'm disappointed? Maybe because even if they're upset on the inside I still feel at ease with them. I just never do anything about it. If we could both get over our issues for a second, that would be a most awesome hug I think. Then I would probably melt into a puddle.

I keep gaining friends who are in really great relationships that seem to work for them so well. I can't help feeling sad, like I'll never find that. Even while I rejoice in what awesome people their significant others are.


I got up at 4:30am, so I could make coffee and get on a train into the city by 5:20.
After realizing I couldn't get into the racer's area to see my friend start, I made it to chinatown by 7:30-ish.
From 7:30 to 11:30 I stood in chinatown waiting for racers to pass by and finally see my friend.
We spent another hour or so looking for her after she finished.
I finally headed out for the train at 1:45.
Got to the suburbs by 3:20, to the church for a rehearsal and dinner at 4.
I am just getting home at 9pm from that.

That's something like 17 hours of me doing things and being around crowds. I feel like crying even though nothing bad happened. I'm tired and I want someone else to be in charge of taking care of me for a bit.

I got mad at a completely different friend. I've been so stressed out lately with the wedding coming up and trying to do all the right things that I have no mental power left to listen, or anything I normally do for her. I got tired of hearing of comparisons and injustices. I seem to help so many people, an affliction I got from my dad, but I'm just tired. I started accepting other people's caring. Like I've gotten so worn down I have to accept their assistance. That is a major thing for me, and it means I'm changing.

I'm happy that the late night party thing turned into a trip to a daytime corn maze. I liked doing that. I'm also pleased that somehow no one gave any speeches at the rehearsal dinner.

Putting extra blankets on my bed and sleeping all the sleeps...until 4:30am tomorrow morning.
demakat: (Default)
I have so many tabs open right now.

My mom told me yesterday, that she has a life coach in one of her art classes. This person helps people find their passions and of course my mom asked how that's done. What you loved to do as a kid.

"So I should be a chicken farmer." I don't remember ever begging for chickens, but then you have a bucket and some feed(play sand) surely the only logical thing to do is start scattering it around the yard calling for chickens. It wasn't sadness or disappointment, it was just what I did, provided the sand was dry enough for good scattering.

I spent today thinking of all the reasons I can't be a farmer, like how I have no idea what I'm doing. How it's hard work and I am often lazy because I like relaxing and just watching things.

When I was in junior high I learned that my parents had originally considered buying a farm when I was born. They decided the ride to school would have been too long. It was then that I was disappointed. I could have had chickens AND geese! Traumatic realization.

So I'm reminded of this all again. Dropping everything ever and going off to live with chickens and some geese and maybe other livestock sounds ideal.

But of course instead I got french fries and now I feel like a nap. Can't nap because I have to show up at my friend's wedding dress fitting in an hour.

I guess it really doesn't help that I also generally view farmers as smart good people. This seems like my kind of people. That's not always true.
Maybe I'm just tired of not knowing enough smart good people.
demakat: (Default)
Amazingly I don't have anything to make sad faces about today. I know, its weird. Check back again later, I'm sure it will flare up at some point.

I had to work super early for an all store meeting. I got free coffee and free fruit breakfast (they put milk in the eggs usually and the potatoes seemed coated in cheese-ish stuff). Then I worked for a while and ran out of things to do. The managers were all gone and so I told the appropriate people and went home. Where I had left my wallet that morning...and I was nearly out of gas.

So that was a near major fail at life, but I got home by 12:30 and was able to get some lunch and make cookies. Tried out gluten-free flour with a vegan recipe that I un-veganed with honey. I feel better eating not bread based foods, but I get bored fast...I wish I cared for cooking more.

Sadly my source of vegetables was Ellen's cooking. Now that she's got a toddler, no more veggies for lazy me unless I make them myself. She is mostly putting vegetables into things and feeding everyone noodles because her husband eats a ton of food all at once and she grew up with "just enough" style cooking. So every time she "makes A LOT!" it's really just a regular one pot meal at my house. If I lived there I would probably be able to cook much more, but they're out of rooms and can't handle three adults in one bathroom already. Its hard to get motivated to do anything other than roast vegetables, and once I do that I just eat roasted vegetables for the next day and a half until they're gone...

I have to get the crock pot going in my room at some point to deal with this.
I should probably pay bills first.

...aaand then probably plan out foods.
demakat: (pinefresh)
I was driving home and suddenly a spider crawled across my window. It was on the outside and of course decided to stop in the middle while I was driving. Finally when I stopped at a light again it moved somewhere it was less likely to get blown off.

The spider reminds me of how someone I know posted that they keep getting spiders in their apartment and they spray and spray, yet still more spiders. I felt kind of sad. They're probably just cold and came inside.

The one time it was storming really bad while I was driving and my current car spider got blown away in the rain.

So I finally realized how comforting it is for me to see spiders, aside from the initial scare of suddenly something moving. Something so upsetting to most people is what lets me know that everything is going to be okay. Sometimes I'm really pleased that small things make me happy and content, and other times I feel so tired of being a weirdo.


Monday everyone I wanted to talk to did not want to talk to me, and people that I wished would be quiet for a while kept saying things instead. Now it feels like everything is moving. Everyone else has projects and wheels spinning, but me. I feel like in movies when there is just a closeup of someone breathing, waiting. What now?

I'm worried people don't want to talk to me anymore. That's not usually the case. I'm worried that people do like me. That is also not usually the case. I am worried I'm a horrible person. Also not usually the case. So all of these things that are going on for me mentally, are extremely unlikely to be true. I can't even use them like a worry stone anymore. Logic, for once, won an emotional battle and I'm left feeling empty. Still the feeling of 'what now?'

There is still the doubt on the worries. That the logic is flawed, or this one instance is an outlier. People have just quit talking to me before. I've done the same thing. I have to accept that it's possible.

There is still doubt in the assurance that people don't like me. Previous memories might lead to doubt on the third thing, about not being a horrible person. Maybe I'm just shutting guys down without realizing it. For all the many words I make figuring things out, it's rare I say how I feel to the people where it might make a difference. It wouldn't matter anyway, once people find out how inexperienced I am with anything at all I often lose their interest.
I wonder when my parents and friends will lose hope? Mine is still there, however tiny and confused. But for how much longer?


My coworker has an interview for another job. I hope he gets it, and that it's what he is looking for. We've talked lately about how he put in a lot of hard work in college, where I feel like I didn't. It makes me feel like this is something he deserves, where as I don't want "it" enough. "It" being a job that isn't in retail, or a job that pays me enough to live on.

So everything is on the verge of changing, but nothing has. Yet I still have to go to work. I can't just wait around in my room napping.
demakat: (pinefresh)
The guy I work with said something that seems to be sticking with me. In school he was known for putting in the most work? He said it was because he wasn't naturally good at it. It being design in this case.

I went into graphic design because that's where I thought I could get a job and also be creative. It was easy for me to do graphic design and in reality I was fairly lazy in school.

I'm disappointed in myself. Maybe not so much for listening to people at a time when I didn't know what I wanted (and still don't) but also for not perusing something. I drew. I just happened to understand the principles of design before I knew what that was.

But now. I don't usually draw. I do things that don't feel like art, even though I guess it could be.


I've also been disappointed that I seem to spout off more aggressive opinions than I feel I did when I was younger. I seem to say things out loud that are fleeting, yet those are the words that people learn to associate with me.


I want to go to bed soon, but it's only 9. I wondering if this year I need to get a light to sit by, or if it's just because I'm torturing myself by writing down things I'd want in a partner. Like being gentle and soft. Fall makes me feel lonely because it's cuddling season, which is the ideal time to know someone soft and gentle.

Really I should just stop making internet flails and go make lunch for tomorrow.
demakat: (Default)
food allergy intolerance talky stuff )

This didn't really do anywhere...I just sort of made words about things and now I have to sleep. Or suddenly have my brain go into a loop about how I'm a toxic person to other people the same way one friend is negative for me sometimes, and feel guilty and then spend a long time probably apologizing or refraining from apologizing because that's not normal to apologize for imagined things. If I'm being a turd I hope people tell me. :c
demakat: (pinefresh)
TL.DR Life is being internally emotionally tragic, outwardly intense, and I somehow ended up with three days of freedom and I don't know what to do with myself. )

I am so incredibly hungry. I don't understand. I'm angry at being hungry, because I don't want to have to feed myself. I don't want food. I want to sleep, but I can't because it's only 8pm and I can't sleep when my stomach is all growly anyhow. *irrational anger and crazy*
demakat: (Default)
I all likelihood the neighbors are going to come say I stole their dead tree branches that they'd put on the side of the road. Assuming they were awake. But I NEEED them to make a wishing tree...

This wedding stuff is making me both lose my mind, and reminding me how capable I am. I have been told numerous times now that I'm so organized. I type this on my desk covered in empty coffee cups, un-done projects, chocolate chips, granola..., hair bands and many many other things. Sure, organized. Whatever.

I have not answered a email from the bride's mom with crazy written all over it. I explained it to my family at breakfast like. "Oh I got you this strawberry shaped box at the thrift store because I saw one time you used strawberry jam on your toast, if you don't want it I understand I just thought you'd like it." But it's really one step further than that because once we decide on how to make something they don't quit thinking about it. That brain power could be better used, and all I'm a master of is the redirect. COOOOOL...why don't you think about this instead. YAY. yay. (kill me).

Untangling thread, but the ends keep seeing loops and jumping through them while you work.

plus they keep adding things. Like silly string.

Why am I the one bringing reason this this? Herding CATS!

Understandably I have also been feeling lately, that while other people think I'm cool/great/awesome for whatever reason, I do not. I am not who I want to be and I'm having a hard time thinking through the haze of this wedding crap to figure out how to be more of who I am.

aaaand I got distracted by looking up yarn. It's unfortunate, but I think I'll have to go to the store for more yarn again. Terrible. I'll make it throught I'm sure. Just...don't send help. I probably died in a pile of yarn, very happy.

I don't know that I feel really any better than last time I made emo all over the place. I've just been distracted from it, which doesn't really seem like a good way to deal with anything. It is really interesting to me how I feel very lonely when I'm required to be with people more frequently than I would on my own. Yet to counter that, I need to spend a lot of time alone to feel better.
demakat: (pinefresh)
I wish I wouldn't write in cards and THEN decide that I need to edit things. Now I have one extra envelope from that set. Disorder in the universe!!!!!!11 (whatever...ish)

So I hosted a wedding shower. I apparently get very single minded when I'm stressed out. What didn't help was shark week and wedding shower being nearly on the same day. So everything was a ragefest last week, when normally I wouldn't get so worked up.

My patience is still shot though. That one is going to take a while to refill. My mom asked me to help her do a mail merge. Then after making her STOP! CLICKING! everything after not reading what any of it did, she found the walkthrough and I had been on the right path all along...but I had been co-piloting her through it...cause touching the computer means she isn't doing it herself or something.

No one got lit on fire. Plus points for that.

The shower itself went well. People seemed excited and had fun. One of the bridesmaids said something like 'you really like this being host don't you!' and I hope I didn't look as mortified as I felt. No, I'm just loud and confused about why people listen to what I say. Plus everyone feels awkward and at least I know what SHOULD be happening, so I am at a very slight advantage. I couldn't do a whole lot about the staff and things because we were in Chinatown and many of them communicated better in Chinese (which one I do not know, I think Cantonese). I had to ask the bride's mom to ask about some things, but I also didn't know all the particulars of the venue and she did, so that worked out for the best.

Cake was loved by people. Everyone took their fishes home excitedly. If there had been some unwanted fish I was going to give one to another friend. I may buy her one anyhow and force her to take it home. My desk ends up too messy to have one anywhere near me and my coworker may not be pleased with a work fish. Or maybe he would be.

Went to breakfast this morning and then alternated between feeling tummy hurty and hungry. I just kept feeding myself anyhow. I've found, short of having an actual stomach bug, feeding myself at regular intervals is what I need to do when feeling food conflicted.

Returned all the things I could, and put some things away. My bed is still covered in random supplies, along with my desk.

On to the wedding, which I take a slightly more back seat at thankfully.
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