demakat

There are a lot of things I miss doing that aren't...commercially viable. I don't know how else to put it. Because they are productive, and I do enjoy them, but they are never going to make me money.

I wrote, in a small notebook I've been using for life things, the full list of bugs for animal crossing. With a box to check off, and their prices. I want to have the fish as well. but it took a while to do just the bugs. So fish will be another time.

I have a binder with clear sheets, where I've glued comics I cut from the newspaper to printer paper. I love this binder. I want to do something similar for internet things I love. I've been saving the screenshots. I just haven't started this projects.

Just books full of things I enjoy, with the added joy of them being compiled in a single place. The feeling of a full binder or book.

When I got laid off 2 years ago, I had already started a similar small notebook. Even looking at the parts where I was upset, is wonderful. It's not like a journal, it's like when people do those drawings of presentations. It's condensing my thoughts into what's really going on. Which I think will help with therapy also. My emotions are fleeting and while you shouldn't let your emotions alone run your life, it is also bad when you have them and they float away while nothing it done about it.

---

Made my dad business cards for father's day.
I'm disappointed in them, and I feel like I didn't do enough? But I always kind of feel like that. I'm always amazed at people who create art and give it to their parents. Maybe that works better in a house where everyone is not also artists.

Work is a roller coaster of internal screaming. By the time I get something completed someone throws a new or old but for-no-reason newly important project in my lap. Plus for all the person who was just let go, said the person before them was a mess...they seem to have carried that on. There are files missing and things aren't organized. There are just folders labeled "desktop" filled with shit.

Heard nothing at all back from the library job. I can't really give up hope because they waited a month to even interview people, and a friend was all "oh libraries are kind of like that..." All this trying not to tip one way or the other until I have more information is getting exhausting feeling.

Came home one day from work and found that my mom did to the garden what I specifically asked her NOT to do at least three separate times. She was all about how oh it'll be fine and blah blah and plants and whatever. The next morning I got her to understand that it was nearly nothing at all to do with the physical garden, it was more about her doing the very specific thing I asked her not to. She was the one to bring up how she hadn't respected my boundaries, where as I was busy being upset that there is no real fixable thing to people not respecting your boundaries. Like okay yeah sure they get it and they're sorry, but it like...doesn't make it better?

I feel weird thinking that maybe my boundaries were always getting crossed and I was always being gently lied to because promises or "told" things would just meh slip away. It's got to be something like that because keeping promises to myself is something important to me now. I said we could do the thing, so we should do the thing even though I "don't care" about this. I did care, and I would still probably enjoy it.

Figured I should get on the school thing again if I really wanted to do the accounting stuff. And the motivation is gone. I will probably still do it anyhow, but I'm sad to find that there isn't much hope in that basket anymore.

A friend brought up how now that I know what the job titles are that aren't specifically graphic design I can look anywhere to do those, maybe a library somewhere else. I just don't know if I want to do that either.

So everything is in a weird summer limbo stage and I'm busy being angry at myself for being emotional even though it's totally valid. *throws confetti*

Today was a day.

I knew that my (not)manager was leaving the company I work for, but she is family of the owners so she was giving them about 2 months notice vs. 2 weeks. Only based on her having a meeting with the owner and HR, and how she boxed up her desk quickly I suspect she is no longer there. Plus the part where I was leaving for the rest of the day and accidentally saw her crying and talking with HR.
( Read more... )

Got most of my hair cut off, I now have the curly version of a pixey cut? Mostly super short everywhere but longer on top/front.
I was scared they would tell me I couldn't have this cut and something else would look better.
I was scared because I have literally not been to a hair cutting place since I was 10 and I have no idea how this works.
I was scared because I knew I should tip, and how much, and that it needed to be cash, but I had no idea HOW that part went.

BUT I survived, the stylist person thought it was a great idea and I reassured them that I have literally cut all my hair off in the past so I do know what this will be like. I also just asked them at the end while I was paying "Can I give you a tip?" duh of course I can, but it wasn't throwing money and running away so that's also a win.

I applied to a job at a library being their design person and gallery person in... early may, maybe april. I just heard back from them now about a pre-screen. It's just while I'm working so I have to figure out where I can take this call, and then just like...DO IT. The keebler elves that live in my brain are pretty freaked out though. My ability to sustain the freaked out levels are minimal though, I just kind of want to get this stuff over with. I was already convinced that they didn't even want to interview me as it was. But then no.

Doing Artslam over on discord. So far I'm only doing June, but I'm enjoying making Toad witch drawings.

( drawings and photos )

I am avoiding this last chapter of my accounting class. I want the windows open, but my dad, brother, and two of his friends are in the garage under me talking...and periodically starting up a drag car. Sooooo it's hard to read. If I got to the kitchen my mom will use her spidey senses to notice I am vulnerable and I must want to hang out and listen to her....again hard to read.

( Procrastination bitching/thinking )

I've been filling up on thinking things lately. I got this 6 hour talk* by Brene Brown from hoopla because my mom was all excited and pointed out that I'm a calm person (uh...yeah) and how it's a super power and there's over achievers and under achievers (whoo boy am I an under achiever). So I decided to listen to it.
The data suggests that there are specific things calm people do. That they pause, they breathe, they ask questions about the situation, and then they ask questions of themselves. Outwardly I compress the first few into like 30 seconds of "...okay. So ..." ** and I mostly always operate under the last part. I ask myself how important something is, or in her words "Is this worth panicking over?" Guess what the answer is? It's no. No this is not worth panicking over, not even in emergency situations.
Consequently I am also always prioritizing things, which is where I can hear business people screeching about this "not worth panicking" thing. BUT! BUT! SENSE OF URGENCY!!!!!1 Urgent is just where the item is on the priority list. This is new item, hmmm urgent? Okay goes at the top, and I put down the thing I was doing and do the urgent item instead.
This is also why the DMV people piss everyone off.
My mother is all excited because "It's like a super power!!!"
I do not like this super power. It requires a lot of energy to manage my own emotions and deflect chaotic panic balls from others.
( Sorry this was really long, also WARNING: The one sunday my sister injures herself enough to warrant a trip to urgent care. )

I hate being irrationally emotional. This is probably an avoidance technique or something to keep me from being yelled at for crying when I was being lectured or something. I don't know, maybe it's normal in our society to not cry ever. I rarely actually want to cry. I just want the thing to not suck OR to be able to fix it. I don't care which, but wading around in crappy feels that have no choices to even make. It's just a wave of shitty feel.

( Things that are not helping )

If it were up to me my mornings would be extremely calm. Instead my parents are down stairs talking, which sounds like shouting because my dad is very loud and can mostly still hear. I went down to retrieve my cereal bucket with the good frosted wheat chunks, and I had to ask why my Aunt called saying "something was going on". No one home at the time answered the phone cause the landline is never for us.

Turns out nothing was going on and everyone is just sliiiightly off. Grandma's phone battery was dying so hang on I'll call you back. Aunt hears talking and then muffling and when she tries to call back no answer. She calls my grandma's call phone a few times and still not answer. So clearly my grandma has been kidnapped, or is being robbed or something. So she calls our house, and after identifying herself leaves the most cryptic message that "something is going on" and my mom should call my grandma as soon as she gets this. Then apparently she called the police.

My grandma, the one with the dead battery phone, was going to call my aunt back on her cell but got another call from someone else. She can talk for DAYS all on her own, so I doubt it was a short phone call. Then must have finally called my aunt back.

My grandma is in Arkansas and my aunt is in Florida. I bet 911 was very confused.

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( Trip to Texas: words and some photos of plants and stuff at the end )

We got optional PTO or UTO to take the day off without risking racking up attendance points because it was literally -20 out, with a windchill of at least -45. The answer is painful, it feels painful. There's weirdness around the whole points thing that I don't understand and I don't really love my designated HR person. I just get the feeling that anything I say is just me not having read the rules and she knows all the rules so listen here child. I don't even want to go near the potential of that happening. I got told that they waived the point's I'd gotten from clocking in late from lunch and tried to take that as well as I could. I thought it was weird when they paid for your lunch, and it is, it also means that you need to take exactly a half hour because otherwise you're late and that'll be 1/10th to a 1/4 of a point out of 10 for a rolling year. Where are the points listed? No idea. Probably you have to ask the HR person. hah ahaha hahaha whatever ~
Clearly I'm still working through this.

Been sick since sunday and it's been a wild fucking ride. I don't know if its because I haven't been sick in so long, or if I'm doing all the things to take the express train through this sickness. I have gone from throat tickle >chest cold?..! > Head cold? > head cold with excessive sneezing > to sort of runny nose??? I've been keeping majorly on top of my hydration. Gotta pee? cool why don't you drink some water first. Refill the bottle while you're near a sink! Lemons? yes! more tea! So either keeping hydrated is helping or this cold is just very dry? I don't really get nose bleeds, but that was sort of happening. So I'm either majorly dying inside or hydrating is keeping me from being overwhelmed with boogers. I need to be mostly better by friday though because I'm going to visit friends in Austin.

I don't know how to feel about going to see people in austin. I think I'm afraid I'll fall in love with a place I've decided to hate from a distance. Though it's easy to not love it when I remember summers there get terrible and I'd rather turn on a space heater and shuffle around in a sleeping bag than deal with being too gross and hot. I'm also going back into a group of people I basically never interacted with much outside of work. And into, what feels for me, new friendship. I'm very uncomfortable with people who like me even when I'm being a giant complainy dramatic weirdo. I don't know what they like, so I can't ...perform basically. Going into this trip I have no idea what my role is. I won't have anyone to help, I'm just going to visit with friends. I feel like a cross between a cool travel bro and a young toad witch shaped like a potato.
cool tech-toad witch, with a healthy helping of potato.
I would draw that, but most of my burst of energy got taken up writing all this, and it feels like a sneeze is stuck in my face.

I tweeted earlier about how it's great when you need chapstick and turn around to find it right there. Then I moved that chapstick with me to another part of my room and now...it's not here when I need it. I have not yet reached chapstick saturation. one or two more sets of the two-packs should do it.

... I have to remember to take the knives out of my backpack to go on a plane.

To preface this, I am probably over-peopled from a friend's kid's birthday party yesterday.

( I'm going to swear a whole lot )

And now I feel better. Plus I remembered the list of things I want to grow in my garden this year and I need to get on that shit. I also need to see about making the tomatoes more of a bucket garden probably, which needs buckets and power tools. My rotation should probably be more than "hmm maybe over here this year..." but *shrug*

The cat is being annoying. I locked her in the bathroom with me while I showered because she NEEDED to be in there for some reason. Guess what happens in this room! It's wet. All the wet. surprise. I love the cat, until she's super annoying and claws up my pants, gets upset when I say ow (because that hurts) and then gets stuck while ripping things. I need to get her a scratching thing in here because she keeps trying to use my carpet and NO.

*crankity bitching*

Tried the no-poo stuff again, and I think it's going to make my hair a frizz-fest. It shouldn't, but it does. Other than the part where it's not as curly as it use to be, the baking soda and ACV was working fine and was way cheaper than all these products.

I managed to get 2 days off, giving myself a 4 day weekend. I'm going to try and get down to a friend's house in Austin, which should be...something, as I've never been in Texas and wouldn't go if it weren't for knowing people there. I wonder if I'll ever be somewhere that I fall in love with. I love the UK, but that is unlikely to happen because I refuse to freelance or have my own business still (a business doing what? I don't even know).

Did think of a small side job today. I drew a cute sign for my plant about it's watering schedule, because I think the once a week cleaning person in our office keeps watering it. I was only doing it once a week, but it's a Chalandrea Elegans(?) which I'm notorious for killing and turns out they need to be watered more frequently. I really love them, but every one I've had has crisped up and died. Alternatively I can't gauge my christmas cactus at all and previously overwatered one until it rotted. So the one I currently have I worry over more than I should, but keep to a stricter watering schedule. Anyway! I have considered again, making cute plant things for people. Like little sticks that you can write the date you last watered stuff, or your plant's name. Then I come home and knit or make dinner, or shower instead of working on anything like this. Lame.

I don't normally do resolutions but I do think about the year ahead and kind of make up something to aim with. I talked to my mom and a friend about not knowing what to say to people sometimes, even/especially online. I know in the past I've been yelled at online for asking questions or expressing joy at people. And I get that not everyone wants that, but for me I think I need to start expressing myself more. I just don't know how to keep reminding myself that I should just say the thing, feel the feels. I can handle getting yelled at or not believed (I'd be sad though), and the whole "life is short" BS (which will not be my reminder phrase...cause too much sarcasm comes up from my brain). In that vein, I just told someone on twitter that I was so glad I followed them and said thank you. Cause YEAH! That was a cool post and I'm so glad they show up on my feed, and I said so. They liked my response and I did not get yelled at. Win.

Shared this thread from Ryan Estrada to a few people today, which is interesting because I was already thinking about feelings. How to let myself feel stuff, and that I shouldn't just let my joy be so fleeting yet roll around in my sad for a while. Both of them happen no need to hug just one close.

So yeah, that's where I think I'm going to put my energies this year. Taking the photos of the cool cars I see to send to this one acquaintance who would like that, asking another about knitting things even though my questions are weird (people traditionally wore clothing under wool sweaters = less itching and less washing of hard to wash/dry items...but what about wool socks???), and I'm sure other things along the way.

Spent the day hanging out with people. First with my sister. We went grocery shopping even though I didn't need much. She is just getting past the 'weeee money' stage and ideally through the 'poor' period into hey all my bills are paid and I have a budget! Granted she's living on her own and I'm not, but she also likes to put everything on credit and we weren't really given a great grasp on money things beyond "If you have it spend it, if you don't - don't!" Thanks but uh that's not quite how everything works. My middle sister is slightly more crazed about money and so she has a better handle on things.

Anyway, then I went to a friend's office even though it's Sunday. She started a new job at a chamber of commerce for a neighborhood in the city. The office is kind of small, but also a mess. It's like whoever wanted to file something created a different filing system every single time and never got rid of a piece of furniture ever. There's three huge bread-box style printers and I don't even really know what's up with all the network cables and crap. She knows all this and is generally frustrated with the place. Plus she thinks that some of the members of the board are using it to get money for their businesses or something. It's possible that things aren't malicious but they're also not great. I hung out while she cleaned and organized stuff. We talked about how sometimes you surround yourself with the same type of people as you are, in this instance very responsible types, and so that is where your bar is set for both your own behavior and your expectations of others. Then you'll get a new job, or into a new group of people and run smack into someone who doesn't meet those standards at all and it's very confusing. For example they don't want to do something at work because "it's not fun". Uh no, work is generally not fun 100% of the time, that is why they pay you for your time. And while sometimes that attitude is forgivable in people in their early 20s it's not when you're in your 30s and beyond and still not doing work cause it's "not fun". Drove home through the city, which was very pretty and thankfully the football game people were still all well contained watching the game.

Cast-on for my new cowl while I was there. I want it to be amazing but I feel like there is so much shit brewing in me right now. I don't like it.
I reached out to a few people over the holidays and some of them never gave any response. I always feel like no response means I'm too annoying and they don't want to talk to me anymore. I know that there could be and probably are many other reasons, including "I forgot". I forget too, but I can't always get my brain to calm down and stop dramatically crying in the corner with logic. 'I am petting the cat, but it just keeps crying. I tried telling it that crying was not logical but it doesn't seem to be working...'

I'm pretty sure the open office plan at work is stressing me out too. I can't seem to block out everyone's phone calls and my hyper-awareness seems to zero in on them. Plus it's a phone culture, so if you need an answer for something you need to call them. I feel very exposed making calls in public. Everyone else can hear me, but not only can I not hear what I'm saying while I talk, also I have no visual cues from the other person to decide if what I'm saying is making any sense to them or not. Thankfully headphones are accepted in the office, though I should probably get some that people can tell I'm wearing. My eye twitch calms down when I can block out everything with headphones too, so that's good. I want to ask for time off at the end of the month as well. But I'm super new and it seems like it would be okay, but also it might not be. *flail*

Still considering getting my hair cut short again. I want to try getting a diva cut, which is just someone trained to cut my curly hair while dry and with confidence. I need to see about a consultation appointment cause I know what I want my hair to be able to do (like still tie back) but I don't know what that would really look like. All I'm finding are people with way more curl and texture than me, or way less. And then when I find stuff I like it's usually some sort of pixie cut thing with floppy bangs. Which this one woman at my last job had, but she was also tall and thin and artsy. I'm more like... beymax. Only much shorter. And like sure 'damn the man' & "I can wear my hair however I want!" but the nutty professor bedhead doesn't seem to work so well for women and I know I'm not going to treat it like a cool/funky/artsy accessory. I just really want it off my head...

Current Music: Automatic - ZHU & AlunaGeorge

As though I were 12, I counted the money I got for christmas, as well as the money I got as a year end thank you(?) from work. The next day (I waited Ooo patience) I ordered a nintendo switch online along with Breath of the Wild. I set it up Thursday, but didn't get to play with it until yesterday. I'm surprised by how smooth and integrated the whole thing is. That it comes with the little thingy to make the handles into a single controller shape, more doodles to make the handle controllers not go flying across the room AND a stand to easily hook it up to any monitor that has HDMI. Giant weirdo-ed out over the box it came in too. It's got a special little place for each component and it comes out in the order that you need it for startup. Most blasphemous opinion, gameplay is gameplay. I don't particularly care about that part because I can make magic movies happen while reading a book, so yeah the game is beautiful, but I haven't heard anything about the console/system itself. Which actually kind of proves my point, that the whole thing works so well and fluidly no one even notices how great it is. I'm not even noticing all the stuff probably!

Interestingly this wasn't entirely an impulse buy. I saw on twitter, the twitterings of a new pokemon game and I really like things like animal crossing. It was one of those inevitable things. Plus everyone's breath of the wild stuff made me feel nostalgic for Ocarina of Time, which is the only zelda I've actually played through. My brother bought himself a much larger tv for his room a few months ago and kind of put the old one out of his room. Turns out it is exactly the same as my second monitor, but BIGGER (which was also a discard from a friend). I was concerned it wouldn't fit on my desk, which while large, has shelves. It literally just clears the bottom of the shelf with no space. Magic! Then little anime hearts fell out of my face while I stared at it. I also continued to clean my room !?!?!!!! It was great.

How to tell you're an adult: You just bought a new game system and haven't had a chance to play anything on it because WORK. So you get home, make some dinner, chat with people, make chocolate mousse... consider baking a cake and then remember! Bring your laundry upstairs to your room, fiddle with the setup, go down stairs for 2nd trip to get work bag and birb (hello birb). Go up stairs... take a shower. FINALLY PLAY THE GAME.

Pretty sure an actual 12 year old would have died crying.

The chocolate mousse
1 brick (12-16oz) extra-firm tofu*
2 tbsp maple syrup (I used 4...)
1/4c soy milk**
1 tsp vanilla extract
1c melted chocolate chips

Drain the tofu and put the tofu, maple syrup, soymilk, and vanilla extract in a blender. BLEND!
Melt the chips separately. If you're using a microwave heat the chips in short bursts stirring in between so it doesn't burn. If you're using a double boiler...wtf do you like washing dishes? Double boiler is the traditional way to make melted chocolate things and gives you a greater deal of control over the temperature of your chocolate. I barely know how to use this, and don't even own one(set?) so if you are using this I suggest looking it up.
If your chips are super hot, give them a second to cool down to ...warm. Add to the tofu-mix. Blend!
Refrigerate for at least an hour. I like overnight. But then I also like to just eat this vs. putting it on cupcakes so whatever works.
It's good, though slightly bitter? Not sure where that's coming from unless it's cause I used semi-sweet chips.

*It sounds like the shelf stable ones have a finer texture vs the refrigerated varieties. I'm just use to picking up refrigerated stuff BUT shelf stable means you can keep them on hand for whenever! BAM it's mousse!
**I used water because my soy milk was...chunky? So goodbye soymilk, hello water. The idea is that there is enough liquid to actually blend.

I need a new icon, especially if I'm going to spend time making blah blah words here more often.

( the mostly unedited blah blahs )

I just finished writing a letter to a pen pal from one of those "hey sign me up" things. I got a letter from him in march and then I... it is probably still buried next to me on this desk. It's really weird to realize that I was in a chaotic funk thing, because normally I notice when I'm IN it. From what I hear of it I could probably say I was suffering burnout at my previous job. Like grinding my face slowly into the ground and insisting that no this is fine. This is just how it is. You'll make it. It felt like high school, and then college, until it felt worse. I've always been one of those just get through it things.

Along with this I kept insisting that I needed more alone time. My mom said I just needed to get out and do things with more people. I was coming home, eating dinner and going to bed so I could get up early enough to get to work on time. Because commuting is evil, especially at an hour+ each way. So with this new job I get home within 40 minutes of leaving the office. I have time in the morning to make breakfast and pack a lunch, eat the breakfast and stare at my phone. It's completely surreal A LOT of the time still. I don't have to get up at 4:30am anymore, so I can go to bed later, meaning I can DO THINGS after work. And not just 1 thing (dinner or shower, choose wisely!), I can do like 2 or three things AND get to bed on time! Turns out I know me better.

Also a good indicator that I'm feeling better than I have in years: I'm writing here, at all, anywhere. I feel like drawing sometimes. I'm making things and not feeling like crying. I made a christmas card happen AND I got it sent out. I'm considering looking for activity classes like yoga or something because I have the free time and I need to move more than back and forth from my car to the house/office. I have time to do that!

---

Still scrolling through tumblr now and then. I ended up clicking through to someone else's blog and they're a furry, badger. Not sure how people are wording that now-adays... So I followed them. For maybe a day, who knows how this BS will all go down. It made me think though that I very gently was part of the furry community. I don't really have any friends who are furries in real life, and it kind of mirrors everything else I've ever done. I never did do skateboards or rollerblades or whatever, but I was super influenced by the clothing styles and whatever. My only sadness in life is that I'm too hourglass shaped for men's cargo shorts to feel comfortable to wear. I am wearing vans again even though I hate them, because they're the only hightops that work with my "ankle" length black slacks for work. Actual little booties are cute, but ha ha wide feet make that a no. (I can hear someone "but they come in wide" yes but not in triangle. I am the magical combo of high instep and wide that makes me hard to knock over and grumpy about shoes). Shoe tangent aside my tendencies interest me, as well as people who are more deeply into the things I have passing...joy? in.

It also makes me wonder if I got embarrassed by the furry community and didn't let myself know, and now I'm coming out the other side of that with a fuck-it whatever. I certainly draw more when I let it be okay that they're not "real people" nobody cares but me, and I'm the one drawing. No wonder I stopped enjoying myself.

---

My dad finally discovered pandora and so now under my room, in the garage, is his swamp rock station. So I'm getting some nice blues and other things.

I think I'm going to make myself more coffee and avoid cleaning by finishing presents..probably. Might be the other way around too.

Someone on twitter was talking about their secret twitter for mutuals and my brain made sad puddle noises, I'm not a mutual. Then per-usual I considered the many facets that term encompasses and how I've seen it used. My sad puddle self does not care. Ideally I should have logged on to do guild run stuff in Guildwars 2, but I still feel disconnected with people from there, and spent the past week not playing and dealing with holiday card business.

I've been thinking a lot about how much I don't touch people. How hugging someone is so rare for me, that if I do actually want to hug them and stars align or something and I do get that awesome hug, I feel emotionally fucked-up for a good week afterwards. And really is that all I want? I have no idea. It is probably late winter issues. It's just frustrating that I can't really do anything about it. I can socialize with people, but it doesn't really make it better. I have no one to force the entire season of this British gardening show on, while I knit things and we plan our own garden together even though probably apartment living.

( The things I did today that aren't whining about being alone )

Onward to tea and knitting!!!

I came home to my dad's music playing from the garage into the rest of the house. Which includes a loop through the kitchen and a 90 degree turn into the living room, all the way to the front door. I knew that he was likely working on the tile in the living room, but he wasn't anywhere in sight. I ended up starting to make guacamole from the fairly expensive, but definitely ripe, avocados I'd gotten at the grocery store. I recognized the song Lochloosa by JJ Grey & Mofro (I also enjoy I Believe (In Everything) ). Yet he doesn't know that band, meaning he was listening to pandora.
My dad has gone from doing the same work he'd done since he was 18 to learning a new job, learning how to regularly use a cellphone, learning how to deal with co-workers that have attitudes, getting his first library card so he could get books on tape, and now also utilizing pandora. He's 58, that shit is hard, mostly because he'd been so long doing the same thing.

It's one thing to say that everything would look different by christmas, but another entirely to be in the month of december and looking out at what we've all done since then.

My job continues to be strange, for me. I am less ruffled by the owner's family being very direct in their delivery of stuff than lots of people seem to be. I'm not sure if that's good, but they don't seem to mind. It bothers me more when I'm scared of someone just because everyone else is walking on eggshells. This changes if I get yelled at, but so far I haven't been. I've made a few large designs that looked great, but we're loved beyond my immediate supervisor/boss person. I don't know that I'm particularly disappointed, though I do wish those projects were done so I could move on to other stuff.
I keep being complimented on my ability to write social media copy. The marketing lead insists that it's something people have or they don't. Probably what I have is an interest in how stuff like that works and is structured. It seems so simple, just write in your 'internal announcer" voice, or like circus promoters. Someone who likes talking into a microphone and is smooth about it. Sadly this ability doesn't translate to my actual speech, there is a disconnect there. Usually my abilities in this are compared with the current intern, who generally writes decent...hooks I guess, but falls down on making the more boring stuff concise or smooth. But the intern is a graphic design intern...they don't go over advertising or social media content AT ALL in design school. Some might, but I doubt it. Maybe I was always accidentally destined for marketing. At least I write things in a "helping" way, so I feel less bad about being part of advertising. It makes it seem less like manipulation and more like putting up posters where people happen to walk. The walk is just facebook. (which thankfully I don't have to have an account on to use for this job).

Nothing makes me want to jettison the dogs into space more than incessant barking, and worst of all I know that it’s because the neighbors feed wild animals at night! COOL! May coyotes show up on your lawn for the “buffet” you’re providing.

I have some sort of review at work on Tuesday. It’s like a check in thing, and I wouldn’t have thought much of it, but my dad asked me earlier if I think they’re going to keep me. I told him I wouldn’t be spending any money if I thought otherwise (I got shoes and more work appropriate shirts...and smoked salmon cause it’s delicious). Now though I feel kind of concerned. It’s so strange going and dealing with new people. I don’t do well with small talk, and my manager right now is really great at thanking us for doing good work or being especially helpful that day or whatever. Which is great! I just feel like I’m disappointing still somehow. Like I’m not friendly enough or just generally not enough. Not helping enough. Probably this is some variety of impostor syndrome.

“Impostor syndrome is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud". Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not deserve all they have achieved. Individuals with impostorism incorrectly attribute their success to luck, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent than they perceive themselves to be.” From wikipedia

Okay so this is also something I struggle with, but it seems to be different than not feeling like I’m (good) enough. For me, not being enough seems to be rooted in people pleasing behaviors. I don’t worry about being enough when I’m by myself.

This job is so strange for me though. Each week is a complete blur and everything is happening faster and slower than I expected. Some of the strangeness should be that it’s a family owned business, but most of it is around what I’m being asked to do. I was TRAINED for this in college and now I’m putting it to use. It’s very weird, but I’m having a hard time articulating why.

I didn’t want to be in chicago, and I didn’t want to be a graphic designer. So here I am in chicago being a graphic designer on a marketing team. I write facebook posts about sale items. Life is absurd.

I keep needing to make words about stuff, but then I try to figure it out while I'm writing and it becomes a wadded mess.

( maybe the wadded mess, an update! )

I am so glad that I have this blog...

So I play Guild Wars 2, and you can make a ranger (pets, ranged dmg), and generally they are pretty easy. Actually for the game play it makes me wonder why ranger/hunter classes aren't better in groups. Maybe too many use their pet as a meat shield* only and don't like learn team sports or something. I made Cerim Arsur, and while playing I realize I have no idea how to use traps and I have no idea how to do a lot of things. Like it's not clicking. Maybe ranger is just not for me. it didn't click for warrior either, even though "hit shit" should not be that hard. BUT but. butts. the pants! my character could wear DAMN.

Okay so my other options for medium gear are Thief or Engineer**. I go thief and I will be the best worst damn thief ever! And wear those hot pants again... cause priorities.

So I started Cerim as a human, and gave him a common upbringing. I hang around at 'teh pub' and shit. I'm upstanding young man or whatever. I've decided he is going to join the vigil because despite being upstanding he still really thinks hitting shit is generally the best solution.

I started Regan Arsur to look like a replacement for Cerim Arsur. Only I gave him the noble upbringing ...as a thief. Bonus, smarmy lord friend. Combined with the dialog, Regan is so damn honest. Like man...you are a thief. and a noble. just what is going on there... Also your friend lord codpiece is kind of a jackass and you tolerate him with so much patience.

So Immediately in my head. Cerim and Regan are adopted and have lead different lives. They meet up in the vigil and become best friends, and spend lots of free time messing with people. "what? no I've been wearing this shirt all day." "No of course there aren't two of me there are three!" Lord codpiece is upset at the friendship and Petra? from the pub thinks that Regan is super sweet but that Cerim has better bar brawl skills, where as Regan is more diplomatic (no surprise). Logan spends the rest of his life without any idea that the hero of sheamor was really two people and that's why they were so successful.

And fashion wars allows me to make sure both of them can always wear hotpants <3

I literally could not play the game anymore without typing this out.

*I say this with a necro main, where everything/one else is my meat shield. But I also know my place inside of a group. It's my own group that I raise from the dead...but still group dynamics people! I greatly enjoy it when my character says "I make a pretty good team". True and a jab at the class. Nice.
**I will bet now, that once I finally agree to try out engineer it will be my one true love because I'm resisting it so hard. and insisting no it's icky.

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demakat

June 2020

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