Stuff lately
Feb. 27th, 2019 07:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demakatI hate being irrationally emotional. This is probably an avoidance technique or something to keep me from being yelled at for crying when I was being lectured or something. I don't know, maybe it's normal in our society to not cry ever. I rarely actually want to cry. I just want the thing to not suck OR to be able to fix it. I don't care which, but wading around in crappy feels that have no choices to even make. It's just a wave of shitty feel.
Things that are not helping*:
My car
that I've had for just over a year, has a cracked windshield. I knew there was a nic in it before, but after all the massive winds we've had it ended up being cracked. While putting stuff in my car for work on the passenger side, I also notice that someone has dented it. Probably opening a door into the side of my door. Plus I think I scratched another part on that side while de-icing stuff. It's hard to not just feel like well I can't even have nice things because I make them shitty. I haven't washed it in forever either because it's super cold, snowing or icing nearly every week and just fuck.
My body/PCOS
I haven't had my period for months, which is pretty freaking great. It was never even remotely bad, this one time I had a cramp. BUT I know it's linked to tons of other things. So for whatever reason my body aligned and decided hey we're gonna have a period again for one da....one HALF a day. Which sent me back into thinking about why I stopped going to the doctor about it before. I am so MASSIVELY embarrassed at my "lack of willpower" to just not eat crap, even though I know when I was taking meds so my body could use sugar more effectively I didn't want hardly anything sugary. AND hey guess what doesn't work? Birth control does jack shit for me, but when the doctor wanted to put me on progesterone my mom made fluttery concerned noises cause I was going to get cancer taking that. So do go get help they tell me, but don't actually use any of it...got it thanks.
Why do I feel like I need to explain everything to my parents?
I can't let anyone know that my windshield has a crack. I don't even want to tell them after I get it fixed because I'll still have to sit through a lecture about how I don't take care of things. I don't want to discuss how I get my mustache (from PCOS thanks body) waxed and no I was not working late I had an appointment! I don't want to talk about how the doctor accused me of eating too many chips, I don't like chips. I don't like pretzels, I don't like cheesy poofs I don't like popcorn. That's your stupid ass food hangup not mine asshole. But if I discuss that I end up talking about the medications they want me on, and I don't want to do that because of hand wringing and then I'll get more lectures on how if I just eat right I'll shoot rainbows out my ass and sprout wings. It's not even THAT bad. It's just annoying when I'm trying to be my own person and my parents are dealing with quazai empty-nest at the same time. Get a damn life! Cause I sure as hell don't have one you can borrow!
Birb
Madison is going to be 19 at least. Cockatiels can live into their 20s (so can doves apparently) and I'm not sure why he has lived so long but I'm glad for it. Only lately because both of my sisters moved out the cat is all needy. No one is in the room of my one sister anymore, and normally I don't let the cat in my room at all because bird. I've been letting her in and I'm not use to having both of them in here. So a few times I've caught her trying to gently reach up and smack Madison, in the "lets see if it freaks out" way. I lost my shit at her once already, and smaller annoyed at her at least 4 other times. So of course nothing has happened with the cat.
I was getting Madison out of his downstairs cage where he spends the day while I'm at work, and he kind of freaked out. Maybe because I had a plastic bag too close to his cage that I was holding, who knows. He flapped his way onto the bag and I put everything down trying to catch him. He flopped away from me and I tried to stop him gently by grabbing his tail. I use to just let him be and go scoop him up when he landed, but now we also have a bloodhound-mix and she cares deeply about ...eating birds. So I can't, and I've taken to panicked escalations, so grabbing his tail. I've done this before, gently, and it mostly stops him and I can pick him up. THIS time all most all his butt feathers came out and he skittered across the floor straight to the dog. Who my mom was by that time holding back, but she's a big dog.
None of the feathers had blood on the ends, so it's possible they were all working on molting anyhow. So now Madison has a little chicken butt going, and I'm concerned he'll die from stress or something. He's not clinging to me, which birds tend to do when they're not okay, and he's acting fine...just hen butt. Hopefully this is more amusing later. Kind of seems confused about why I keep bothering his naps and looking at him.
My friend
Is going through a divorce with an irrational person, and doing big things like having to buy a car for herself and redo a rotting bathroom throughout the process. She's doing great given the circumstances but it's hard to share my things that seem piddly by comparison. Probably i need to stop operating under the assumption that "there's nothing I can do about it right now so don't think about it" because wow does that backfire!
*and now that I write this are probably the cause because I continue to tell myself it's fine and don't let myself have feelings about them. You can't let things pass through you, if you don't ever let them in. *brickwall*
Things that are not helping*:
My car
that I've had for just over a year, has a cracked windshield. I knew there was a nic in it before, but after all the massive winds we've had it ended up being cracked. While putting stuff in my car for work on the passenger side, I also notice that someone has dented it. Probably opening a door into the side of my door. Plus I think I scratched another part on that side while de-icing stuff. It's hard to not just feel like well I can't even have nice things because I make them shitty. I haven't washed it in forever either because it's super cold, snowing or icing nearly every week and just fuck.
My body/PCOS
I haven't had my period for months, which is pretty freaking great. It was never even remotely bad, this one time I had a cramp. BUT I know it's linked to tons of other things. So for whatever reason my body aligned and decided hey we're gonna have a period again for one da....one HALF a day. Which sent me back into thinking about why I stopped going to the doctor about it before. I am so MASSIVELY embarrassed at my "lack of willpower" to just not eat crap, even though I know when I was taking meds so my body could use sugar more effectively I didn't want hardly anything sugary. AND hey guess what doesn't work? Birth control does jack shit for me, but when the doctor wanted to put me on progesterone my mom made fluttery concerned noises cause I was going to get cancer taking that. So do go get help they tell me, but don't actually use any of it...got it thanks.
Why do I feel like I need to explain everything to my parents?
I can't let anyone know that my windshield has a crack. I don't even want to tell them after I get it fixed because I'll still have to sit through a lecture about how I don't take care of things. I don't want to discuss how I get my mustache (from PCOS thanks body) waxed and no I was not working late I had an appointment! I don't want to talk about how the doctor accused me of eating too many chips, I don't like chips. I don't like pretzels, I don't like cheesy poofs I don't like popcorn. That's your stupid ass food hangup not mine asshole. But if I discuss that I end up talking about the medications they want me on, and I don't want to do that because of hand wringing and then I'll get more lectures on how if I just eat right I'll shoot rainbows out my ass and sprout wings. It's not even THAT bad. It's just annoying when I'm trying to be my own person and my parents are dealing with quazai empty-nest at the same time. Get a damn life! Cause I sure as hell don't have one you can borrow!
Birb
Madison is going to be 19 at least. Cockatiels can live into their 20s (so can doves apparently) and I'm not sure why he has lived so long but I'm glad for it. Only lately because both of my sisters moved out the cat is all needy. No one is in the room of my one sister anymore, and normally I don't let the cat in my room at all because bird. I've been letting her in and I'm not use to having both of them in here. So a few times I've caught her trying to gently reach up and smack Madison, in the "lets see if it freaks out" way. I lost my shit at her once already, and smaller annoyed at her at least 4 other times. So of course nothing has happened with the cat.
I was getting Madison out of his downstairs cage where he spends the day while I'm at work, and he kind of freaked out. Maybe because I had a plastic bag too close to his cage that I was holding, who knows. He flapped his way onto the bag and I put everything down trying to catch him. He flopped away from me and I tried to stop him gently by grabbing his tail. I use to just let him be and go scoop him up when he landed, but now we also have a bloodhound-mix and she cares deeply about ...eating birds. So I can't, and I've taken to panicked escalations, so grabbing his tail. I've done this before, gently, and it mostly stops him and I can pick him up. THIS time all most all his butt feathers came out and he skittered across the floor straight to the dog. Who my mom was by that time holding back, but she's a big dog.
None of the feathers had blood on the ends, so it's possible they were all working on molting anyhow. So now Madison has a little chicken butt going, and I'm concerned he'll die from stress or something. He's not clinging to me, which birds tend to do when they're not okay, and he's acting fine...just hen butt. Hopefully this is more amusing later. Kind of seems confused about why I keep bothering his naps and looking at him.
My friend
Is going through a divorce with an irrational person, and doing big things like having to buy a car for herself and redo a rotting bathroom throughout the process. She's doing great given the circumstances but it's hard to share my things that seem piddly by comparison. Probably i need to stop operating under the assumption that "there's nothing I can do about it right now so don't think about it" because wow does that backfire!
*and now that I write this are probably the cause because I continue to tell myself it's fine and don't let myself have feelings about them. You can't let things pass through you, if you don't ever let them in. *brickwall*
