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demakatI keep needing to make words about stuff, but then I try to figure it out while I'm writing and it becomes a wadded mess.
My parents were shouting at each other this morning. I'm pleased that my immediate reaction was not "oh shit hide!" but "fuuuuucking shut up!" neither of which I say out loud, just how it feels. Since August: two of 4 kids have moved out of the house, my dad who had been jobless since april found another place to work, BUT the schedule is screwy on-call ish and he was use to arriving every day at this time and we work, my sister got in a car accident through no fault of her own and she is one of the siblings that moved out.
Additionally my mom is having emotions all over the place about not having money (understandable) and about how she can't help, and how to make more money, and how to teach more art classes. She is kind of like an emotional squirrel lately. If it makes her upset she switches into moving furniture or art work into unused rooms, cleaning everything as though that will make it okay*, and coming up with business/life plans on her own and getting more information about them** to then give to my dad who is often working 12 hour days and coming home at 10pm when he'd previously always been a 7-5p for the last 40~ years. Also she seems to want to talk about things, but 1) I am not a or YOUR therapist and 2) I am not going to agree with you. I'm a little done "holding space" right now. This is not mine. I am not upset that my siblings moved out. I'm upset that the dishes are still a fucking mess. How do you even make that many dishes!? How do you fill up a fridge that 6 people use to use, when it's just 4ish now!? Why do we need so much asparagus? Where did MY frozen vegetables go, cause I don't want to eat your weird ones with the freaky baby corns and clearly you don't either!!! Anyway, I just don't get how she can move all this shit around, do all kinds of research but not be able to stack her plates next to the sink. It's like I live with a teen, a teen that taught me how to do all these basic things that she can't even do anymore.
My dad, who has worked outside year round since he was 16 is now suddenly he is on a dock or in a truck driving for 10-12 hours. He's finally not hating people at work. Not that he tends to, but apparently career truck drivers around here act like little kids getting yelled at. "You don't have to tell them nothin!" Which generally doesn't hold with my dad. If he did something wrong he'll tell you about it and try to make it right. Honest style. Plus the job works where they call you 2 hours before your shift starts. If they call at 6am, you work at 8am, etc through to 12p. If they don't call by 12p, you're not working that day. So to someone who spent the last 40 years getting up every day and going to work by 7:30am, so they could start on the job at 8...that's a bunch of bullshit. It's hard for me and my siblings too because...well that's how these shitty jobs are now adays. You thought we were just whiners and now we have less sympathy for your discovery that lots of people are little shithead children on the job still. Gossip filled, pissy-pants attitudes. Is that all of them? Nope. But in some workplaces its A LOT of them.
Then of course I have a new job. I've worked two weeks now, and I still have no idea what's going on. I just spent 8 years with the same company, and I went right back into grocery. Apparently it's the two things I know, retail grocery and graphic design. It's the same and different as my last job. So much of what I'm doing is the same as what I use to do for one store, and other parts are intensely different either because now I'm the one doling it for multiple stores or because I've never done anything like it before. Like writing facebook posts about sales things, and creating private label...labels. I have a better starting point than some people, but for things like the product labels I still am not sure what I SHOULD do. And unfortunately the main reason I wanted to leave design was that I kind of don't care? I could make some complicated super arty thing, but...its a jar of relish. People just need to know it's relish and that its the store brand. I don't have a lot more feels about it than that.
The owner yelling on the phone, that people were concerned for me hearing and I guess being afraid?, has happened. I kind of mostly just find it annoying. It's not like he pops out of the trash and just starts screaming obscenities. He was on the phone, and the call escalated to shouting and being angry about stuff. Additionally it was half in greek, so I wasn't even sure what was going on. My manager and HR talked with me, and let me know that I could go in their office any time I needed to, and just shut the door. I'm not really that effected by it though, which is kind of surprising. Not sure if it was because I was already stressed out by NEW JOB-ness or what. I also don't really fear talking to him either, but then I don't have anything to tell him and certainly nothing that he'd get angry about. So that may change. either way it seems like he is often not in the office.
Today is the family dinner for my dad and one of my sisters birthdays. Tacos and no desserts I can eat. Joy. I did make a plum crumble with the new oven, and I really desperately want to make these delicious garlic knots, but then I'd just eat all the garlic knots. Maybe tomorrow so I can save some for work.
*It's a feeling here? Like 'if I just keep the dishes done then I will get my way'. She hasn't said this, but that's what it feels like. Like a child trying to figure out what parts of an imaginary bargain they have to uphold to get what they want. Makes me feel all hissy and manipulated and it's not even directed at me.
**She is notorious for picking up pamphlets everywhere we go. More info. But she often doesn't read and process it? Cause she doesn't really need it? So it's just like an activity to sooth ??? anxiety? I don't even know.
My parents were shouting at each other this morning. I'm pleased that my immediate reaction was not "oh shit hide!" but "fuuuuucking shut up!" neither of which I say out loud, just how it feels. Since August: two of 4 kids have moved out of the house, my dad who had been jobless since april found another place to work, BUT the schedule is screwy on-call ish and he was use to arriving every day at this time and we work, my sister got in a car accident through no fault of her own and she is one of the siblings that moved out.
Additionally my mom is having emotions all over the place about not having money (understandable) and about how she can't help, and how to make more money, and how to teach more art classes. She is kind of like an emotional squirrel lately. If it makes her upset she switches into moving furniture or art work into unused rooms, cleaning everything as though that will make it okay*, and coming up with business/life plans on her own and getting more information about them** to then give to my dad who is often working 12 hour days and coming home at 10pm when he'd previously always been a 7-5p for the last 40~ years. Also she seems to want to talk about things, but 1) I am not a or YOUR therapist and 2) I am not going to agree with you. I'm a little done "holding space" right now. This is not mine. I am not upset that my siblings moved out. I'm upset that the dishes are still a fucking mess. How do you even make that many dishes!? How do you fill up a fridge that 6 people use to use, when it's just 4ish now!? Why do we need so much asparagus? Where did MY frozen vegetables go, cause I don't want to eat your weird ones with the freaky baby corns and clearly you don't either!!! Anyway, I just don't get how she can move all this shit around, do all kinds of research but not be able to stack her plates next to the sink. It's like I live with a teen, a teen that taught me how to do all these basic things that she can't even do anymore.
My dad, who has worked outside year round since he was 16 is now suddenly he is on a dock or in a truck driving for 10-12 hours. He's finally not hating people at work. Not that he tends to, but apparently career truck drivers around here act like little kids getting yelled at. "You don't have to tell them nothin!" Which generally doesn't hold with my dad. If he did something wrong he'll tell you about it and try to make it right. Honest style. Plus the job works where they call you 2 hours before your shift starts. If they call at 6am, you work at 8am, etc through to 12p. If they don't call by 12p, you're not working that day. So to someone who spent the last 40 years getting up every day and going to work by 7:30am, so they could start on the job at 8...that's a bunch of bullshit. It's hard for me and my siblings too because...well that's how these shitty jobs are now adays. You thought we were just whiners and now we have less sympathy for your discovery that lots of people are little shithead children on the job still. Gossip filled, pissy-pants attitudes. Is that all of them? Nope. But in some workplaces its A LOT of them.
Then of course I have a new job. I've worked two weeks now, and I still have no idea what's going on. I just spent 8 years with the same company, and I went right back into grocery. Apparently it's the two things I know, retail grocery and graphic design. It's the same and different as my last job. So much of what I'm doing is the same as what I use to do for one store, and other parts are intensely different either because now I'm the one doling it for multiple stores or because I've never done anything like it before. Like writing facebook posts about sales things, and creating private label...labels. I have a better starting point than some people, but for things like the product labels I still am not sure what I SHOULD do. And unfortunately the main reason I wanted to leave design was that I kind of don't care? I could make some complicated super arty thing, but...its a jar of relish. People just need to know it's relish and that its the store brand. I don't have a lot more feels about it than that.
The owner yelling on the phone, that people were concerned for me hearing and I guess being afraid?, has happened. I kind of mostly just find it annoying. It's not like he pops out of the trash and just starts screaming obscenities. He was on the phone, and the call escalated to shouting and being angry about stuff. Additionally it was half in greek, so I wasn't even sure what was going on. My manager and HR talked with me, and let me know that I could go in their office any time I needed to, and just shut the door. I'm not really that effected by it though, which is kind of surprising. Not sure if it was because I was already stressed out by NEW JOB-ness or what. I also don't really fear talking to him either, but then I don't have anything to tell him and certainly nothing that he'd get angry about. So that may change. either way it seems like he is often not in the office.
Today is the family dinner for my dad and one of my sisters birthdays. Tacos and no desserts I can eat. Joy. I did make a plum crumble with the new oven, and I really desperately want to make these delicious garlic knots, but then I'd just eat all the garlic knots. Maybe tomorrow so I can save some for work.
*It's a feeling here? Like 'if I just keep the dishes done then I will get my way'. She hasn't said this, but that's what it feels like. Like a child trying to figure out what parts of an imaginary bargain they have to uphold to get what they want. Makes me feel all hissy and manipulated and it's not even directed at me.
**She is notorious for picking up pamphlets everywhere we go. More info. But she often doesn't read and process it? Cause she doesn't really need it? So it's just like an activity to sooth ??? anxiety? I don't even know.
