How many times will I have to write about pineapples on sale?

[demakat]

Nothing makes me want to jettison the dogs into space more than incessant barking, and worst of all I know that it’s because the neighbors feed wild animals at night! COOL! May coyotes show up on your lawn for the “buffet” you’re providing.

I have some sort of review at work on Tuesday. It’s like a check in thing, and I wouldn’t have thought much of it, but my dad asked me earlier if I think they’re going to keep me. I told him I wouldn’t be spending any money if I thought otherwise (I got shoes and more work appropriate shirts...and smoked salmon cause it’s delicious). Now though I feel kind of concerned. It’s so strange going and dealing with new people. I don’t do well with small talk, and my manager right now is really great at thanking us for doing good work or being especially helpful that day or whatever. Which is great! I just feel like I’m disappointing still somehow. Like I’m not friendly enough or just generally not enough. Not helping enough. Probably this is some variety of impostor syndrome.

“Impostor syndrome is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud". Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not deserve all they have achieved. Individuals with impostorism incorrectly attribute their success to luck, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent than they perceive themselves to be.” From wikipedia

Okay so this is also something I struggle with, but it seems to be different than not feeling like I’m (good) enough. For me, not being enough seems to be rooted in people pleasing behaviors. I don’t worry about being enough when I’m by myself.

This job is so strange for me though. Each week is a complete blur and everything is happening faster and slower than I expected. Some of the strangeness should be that it’s a family owned business, but most of it is around what I’m being asked to do. I was TRAINED for this in college and now I’m putting it to use. It’s very weird, but I’m having a hard time articulating why.

I didn’t want to be in chicago, and I didn’t want to be a graphic designer. So here I am in chicago being a graphic designer on a marketing team. I write facebook posts about sale items. Life is absurd.