So I bought a tent.
Jul. 30th, 2017 05:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demakatI feel all agitated lately. Like I'm waiting for something terrible to happen. If I just hang on to all of my money and all of my free time and wait, I'll be ready.
Of course I also know it doesn't really work like that. Coupled with the fact that I just bought myself a camping tent, it feels like I have done something bad that will get us all killed. This is the plot point where things got fucked.
The reason I'm not more messed up in general, is probably because I am extremely lazy. Including worrying about fucking things up. I can only go so far before I get to the worst logical option that doesn't rely on a freak accident. Currently that is, I don't actually use the tent. Ever.
This is most sad because I like camping. I am a simple human creature thing and I need foods and water and someplace slightly less shitty than the ground to sleep. Preferably laying down. Sitting in a chair or the car, no deal. The point is I would really love to camp. BUT in my brain has got all these gross dribbles.
I've caught myself just trying to listen, though it's more like being aware of my impulse standing up in my mind to spout some shit and I gently put a hand on them. Is this asked for? No. If I operate like this truly though, few things ever are. It might not be bad though to stop just saying things to say stuff though. I don't really have to pretend I'm sociable if I don't have anything to contribute, or I don't care.
Similarly, and in 'other reasons I am messed up', I really don't think people listen to me. I see possibilities, and I see best of all where things could go slightly off from the basic ideal. There is some combo of not communicating well verbally, people not really grasping what I'm saying, or not listening at all, that leads to me feeling invisible. I said the thing and no one listened and now everyone is surprised and sad that they walked into a wall. I thought I said "there is a wall there" but I don't know what people hear.
This idea though makes me feel like Friendtm and her anger at people not doing what she said to. I feel like the difference is I don't believe that I know better or best, I just feel unimportant. Like my views and ideas are not needed. I am not of value, the things I say, my actions, they don't really aid anyone.
This torrent of words is probably because my middle sister moved back in to the house after having tried to live with her ex-boyfriend for a month. When she is upset it often sounds like everyone is doing all these things on purpose against her, leaving things places, or taking a shower when she was going to. I don't know if that's what she really believes we're thinking, but it's hard not to assume so. We're not vindictive mind readers.
I also probably had to get out all of the things that are blocking me from enjoying this impulse. I'm not a goals sort of person, I'm a messy middle and somehow I've gotten somewhere and can't explain how. Something that probably makes certain kinds of other people annoyed. I wonder what happened to the guy in high school who managed to get me to explain how I did math, like he actually wanted to know. I was surprised and really quite touched. Most people don't even care to press past my flippant answers to the social obligation of asking about stuff.
I get to pick up my tent from the store this upcoming weekend, and I will probably be a gigantic nerd and set it up in the yard to sleep in. It could only be better if there had been an option to get it in yellow or some other obnoxious color. Look at my tent! LOOK AT IIIIIIIT!
Of course I also know it doesn't really work like that. Coupled with the fact that I just bought myself a camping tent, it feels like I have done something bad that will get us all killed. This is the plot point where things got fucked.
The reason I'm not more messed up in general, is probably because I am extremely lazy. Including worrying about fucking things up. I can only go so far before I get to the worst logical option that doesn't rely on a freak accident. Currently that is, I don't actually use the tent. Ever.
This is most sad because I like camping. I am a simple human creature thing and I need foods and water and someplace slightly less shitty than the ground to sleep. Preferably laying down. Sitting in a chair or the car, no deal. The point is I would really love to camp. BUT in my brain has got all these gross dribbles.
- I can't go camping that's what people do as couples and I have no significant other, therefore no camping *sadface* [I also use this argument for things like hugging people and touching ever and all sorts of stupid shit]
- I have only ever been camping with girl scouts (I learned the word carcass "bug carcass" and that's probably the only + to girl scouts) and with my friend that I no longer talk to who super hates camping but goes because everyone else including her husband loves it.
- Friendtm also bought their tent impulsively when they were in college. I am not even in my 20s anymore, and so I'm terrible and impulsive. Bad person, no. Be more structured! You're an adult!
- I'm suddenly going to need to bring my (currently functioning) car back from the dead and be lacking this exact amount of money to complete the process.
- I am a terrible person and money is ultimately finite and now I've just spent it on this thing I might/want to use instead of bettering myself and "building" something. This is kind of bullshit though because even if I had enough money to be all normal with an apartment and stable whatevers normal people do, I would still want to camp and live out of my car. so... I call bullshit.
- I can't get over what I'm suppose to be doing with my life (???) and that I have no real plan and no real goals.
- I'm afraid I bought this tent so that I could make another friend's adventures come true and we'd be able to camp and hang out for the
apocalypseeclipse. When there is also the possibility that her son(4) will somehow rain down fire and we won't be able to go at all. (not using tent ever is biggest logical worry). - oh god am I getting all codependent with this friend TOO!?
I've caught myself just trying to listen, though it's more like being aware of my impulse standing up in my mind to spout some shit and I gently put a hand on them. Is this asked for? No. If I operate like this truly though, few things ever are. It might not be bad though to stop just saying things to say stuff though. I don't really have to pretend I'm sociable if I don't have anything to contribute, or I don't care.
Similarly, and in 'other reasons I am messed up', I really don't think people listen to me. I see possibilities, and I see best of all where things could go slightly off from the basic ideal. There is some combo of not communicating well verbally, people not really grasping what I'm saying, or not listening at all, that leads to me feeling invisible. I said the thing and no one listened and now everyone is surprised and sad that they walked into a wall. I thought I said "there is a wall there" but I don't know what people hear.
This idea though makes me feel like Friendtm and her anger at people not doing what she said to. I feel like the difference is I don't believe that I know better or best, I just feel unimportant. Like my views and ideas are not needed. I am not of value, the things I say, my actions, they don't really aid anyone.
This torrent of words is probably because my middle sister moved back in to the house after having tried to live with her ex-boyfriend for a month. When she is upset it often sounds like everyone is doing all these things on purpose against her, leaving things places, or taking a shower when she was going to. I don't know if that's what she really believes we're thinking, but it's hard not to assume so. We're not vindictive mind readers.
I also probably had to get out all of the things that are blocking me from enjoying this impulse. I'm not a goals sort of person, I'm a messy middle and somehow I've gotten somewhere and can't explain how. Something that probably makes certain kinds of other people annoyed. I wonder what happened to the guy in high school who managed to get me to explain how I did math, like he actually wanted to know. I was surprised and really quite touched. Most people don't even care to press past my flippant answers to the social obligation of asking about stuff.
I get to pick up my tent from the store this upcoming weekend, and I will probably be a gigantic nerd and set it up in the yard to sleep in. It could only be better if there had been an option to get it in yellow or some other obnoxious color. Look at my tent! LOOK AT IIIIIIIT!
