Jul. 23rd, 2016

Hi.

Jul. 23rd, 2016 04:49 pm
demakat: (pinefresh)
Bullshit money issues
I don't have enough money to get a new car. The one I have is understandably slowly deteriorating. I drive it over 250 miles a week. The windshield which was slightly cracked, has gotten even more cracked. It runs across where the rear view mirror would be...if it would stay on. It's a heavy mirror from when all the onstar stuff was new, and having digital display for direction was pretty new. So I imagine the 2 times I've had the mirror fall off since I got the car a year ago have helped to stress the glass.
Now there is another crack starting at the base of the window. I just have to throw my hands up at this point, and I'm going to call the glass place I got my old car done at on Monday. That's ~$200 I did not want to spend.
I technically still owe my sister $400 dollars for this car.
I owe my dad $500 or more for the computer I'm using right now.
No one is asking for this money, but I still feel upset owing actual people instead of institutions. I've had to come to terms with the institutions because of student loans.

I do have cash on hand, but again, I don't know what will happen with this car. Ever. I would like to have cash available.

Job things
I'm seeing a counselor because it's free for so many times through work. My main thing had been what I want to do as a job. So now she has me looking at this book What Color Is Your Parachute? It has me going through all the things on this one site (onetonline.org) and then ranking what I think I'll like or am interesting in. There are more parts than this and I'm only just starting this section of the book but it seems scary and overwhelming. Plus it's not helping me make more money right now. It is very clear that I don't want anything to do with customer service, marketing or retail. Which heeeeey guess what jobs I've had forever! It's also looking like I wouldn't actually enjoy being a librarian.
I don't want to be a teacher. I already feel like burnout hell, adding more people that I have to listen to and try to understand (so I can teach them anything) just makes me feel like crying.

Health?
There is a weird sore in my mouth. I have no idea what it is. I don't have a general care doctor. I don't understand how I find one that isn't just "oh you are fat. get less fat and your mouth will be fine" OR "oh. did you know you're fat? well here is a prescription for something I just told you that you don't have. bye." I don't have the time or the money to go to multiple visits just to decide if I like a doctor.
I'm sure the advice is for cold sores, but the internet says if it doesn't get better in 2 weeks to see a doctor. So I put in my calendar when it started. I've never gotten a cold sore before, and I haven't kissed or anything with anyone since 2008. Been plenty stressed and other shit since then, so I imagine if it was that I would have gotten one before now....and not up inside my mouth.

I was doing really well for a while making food and bringing it to work. I'm out of ideas now though. I keep eating the same things over and over. It's a lot of toast, which I don't really like. I hit a wall with eating eggs. This is normal. I can eat eggs for a long time and then suddenly eating them will make me feel sick, so I quit. Until I feel like eating them again months later. I don't like pasta and I kind of feel heavy and useless after I eat it. I don't like rice much and quinoa doesn't agree with me. Don't get me wrong, this isn't like oh hey I have dietary issues (thanks dairy) I just don't really care or like these things. So eating them a lot because they're cheap is hard.
What really probably needs to happen is I need to stop being a shit, and just make myself eat things. Make dishes at the normal people serving size of 2-4 and then try something else.
Lunch is easy because it can be anything I can microwave or eat cold. Breakfast I don't know what to bring anymore, now that I'm on a non egg cycle.

Another heading
Recently I bought a fountain pen, after researching it a ton and looking at them for a long time. I've had this green ink, Noodler's Bad Green Gator, since I visited a pen shop in NYC years ago. So I saved money out of a paycheck and promised I'd get a pen. I got the TWSBI ECO because its already set up to use bottled ink, and the barrel was clear. It's so smooth. I love it. I'd had a cartridge pen that cost ~$13 to try out almost a year ago, and I've been in love with that too. The one friend I thought would be very excited with me about this, isn't. I wish I could harness all the "neat" and "cool"s from other people together and not feel disappointed right now, but I do. I thought I was going to be able to connect and instead... no. The pen is still lovely.

The library also has me in it's clutches again. I keep going to pick up books on hold and then checking out tons more things. More than I could ever hope to read even if I renew them as often as I can. So I've been kind of sad about that. My mom keeps telling me that it's okay to spend time on myself, but I keep getting into my routine and then I'm back at a friend's house. I'm avoiding traffic and playing with my nephew, but I also don't get time to read or enjoy solitary things. I also feel like summer has too many obligations. It's gross and hot out, and I want to relax. Instead it's the opposite and everyone acts like it's wonderful. I'm burnt out, this is no where near wonderful. There isn't enough alone time in the whole world right now for me.

I need to shower. But I don't want to be wet.




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