Feb. 10th, 2017

demakat: (Default)
John Campbell is dead and now there is Merry Graves.
I don't understand what is going on here/there, but only because it appears to have many layers. Which reminds me of seeing the future. All of probability, and wading into the river. It makes me wish I were more organized so that I could pull out an actual scrap book like a movie scene. Why yes I did foresee this, page 348. I guess it's good I'm not more obsessed with this stuff, or I would probably get stuck in it. But I am experiencing it now. Also I feel like John Campbell was a good name to have for a while because I never knew if it was the same person, or connected to the same stuff. Often it wasn't.

I listen to the Big Magic book in the car every now and then. It makes me feel less crappy somehow, but lately the part where she describes being adult/mature(?) enough to hold two contradictory ideas in our head at the same time, keeps coming back to me. Art being sacred and also being unimportant. Not one or the other, both, yes, always. I also think about how even that is still a little black pebble and a little white pebble at the bottom of a cup. It's also all the other stuff on the spectrum, and the stuff outside what you thought the ends were. Then you back up and your eye blends for you, gray.

Sometimes I feel like I'm magic and I can see systems (they are REALY big and I can't see all of them at one time). But this also leads to me feeling a whole lot like only an observer, which is cutting me off from other people.

which is why we're here today!
There is a guy at work and to keep myself from freaking out I am just assuming that he wants to be friends. Which is really kind of confusing also, but easier to work with. Then my tumblr dash throws out.
I see your “romantic relationships shouldn’t be more important than platonic relationships” and raise you “romantic relationships shouldn’t be rooted in anything but strong, healthy, and mutually rewarding friendships anyways”

i haven’t stopped seeing notes for this since I posted it and I just wanna reiterate: it’s really important that you don’t get romantically involved with people you can’t be friends with. Separating a romantic relationship from a platonic context is unhealthy. Your romantic partner/s should always be your friend/s.
...and now I'm trying to explain my dilemma and really it's just that I'm not that into it. It is like someone said OK totally ticked all your boxes, here you go. And I'm very ready to admit I don't know what the hell it is I look for in friends or anything else. Only I wish I was a confident enough person to be all, 'whoo hey this thing we're not suppose to talk about and just kind of dance around forever, yeah that's a bunch of crap so I'm just going to talk about it'. Or maybe wish that one of us could become a kitten and then the other person could carry them around at work and just kind of be together and cuddle. I think about this as a solution to a lot more problems than I should, but it would probably work as well as most things.

This is the part of the story IRL where someone says I say some wiiild stuff and then I feel self conscious, but also kind of disappointed that they don't have their imagination engaged. Because I lay it all out, I did not jump around in explaining the one-person-turns-into-a-cat solution. But they don't come with me, for whatever reason.

I tried explaining this disconnectedness during a different situation, I had never connected with another potential friend and was disappointed at the lost opportunity. Frankly neither of us tried very much, so whatever. But the person I was explaining it to said "you just have to put it out there, we've said way weirder things in public" And yes, I have asked people about solving problems with kittens and I have also explained non-real numbers to a room of startled looking co-workers who probably didn't make it past high school math. I have and still do ask people to imagine all the grocery carts at stores, as ponies*. There's a lot more fear though in the non-imaginary stuff. In feelings. I guess I have control over my imagination, and I have no control over how someone feels about what I say.


I've been spending a lot of time chasing around the idea that I don't exist. Not death, more like a good house elf. If you don't see me, then I'm doing a good job. In that specific definition I am the shittiest house elf. Which...is probably the answer. I am not a house elf. Practicing being unseen, or retreating into my head helped me cope as a kid. It gave me worlds and ways to not be so hurt, or feel so lonely. But now I don't understand how to be in my own body, or be in my own life. Theoretically I can operate just fine, magic school bus that crap and you're good. Ask questions, wade through things, come out the other side. It's putting things into practice that are difficult. Like the helper dog bringing people potatoes, this is not right but I'm trying. And the scary parts are hard, I just have no practice to fall back on.


Loooong and weird. I'm gonna go to sleep now.

*Like what if...they were just little donkeys or ponys, and you picked up your medium sized pack animal at the front of the store and then used the little side baskets to hold your groceries as you went around. It would explain how carts end up congregated places. Of course they're all huddled just inside the door, it's cold out! Also rounding up carts would have a more calming effect.I keep mentioning this, and no one finds is as amusing as I do. People need to spend more time imagining things >:|


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