Aug. 27th, 2016

demakat: (pinefresh)
I'm suppose to have something profound here. I've been waiting. All week. After metaphorically chucking my phone into oblivion. All the glamorous movie theatrics that run though my head of flipping a massive power switch to save the day. But I wasn't really like that. Instead I got a tiny vacuum. I read an entire book and knitted nearly one repeat on a complicated pattern. I watched a movie, remembered to shower and to do the things from last time. There is an entire week of stickers that show me I made some sort of progress. I made little paintings nearly every single day, if I did any I always did more than one. I also just sort of looked at things and enjoyed them.

I do know that the issue that functions under the surface is my low self-worth, a low self-esteem. Though I feel a little hung up on the definitions. I don't actually dislike myself. I vastly enjoyed any time I got to putter around and do as I pleased, uninterrupted. What I don't believe is that I can actually do any of the things up to the high standards I have, but only for those things I do for others. If I'm doing something for myself I investigate it and if it doesn't happen quite right, that's fine. There is so much exploration. Something people are normally encouraged to do. But it doesn't get me to believe I am enough. How can anyone boldly go around believing they are? So clearly something is wrong with my foundation. Because I know that people can and do operate feeling whole and enough. I just don't know how.

Maybe it's just waiting that's killing me. Or potatoes for second breakfast. Either way it makes me want to rocket my phone out of my life again. I stopped talking to someone else over similar misunderstandings (not recently). Also stemming from my words not meaning to others what I had intended. Poorly used on my part. The track record doesn't mean that it's all my fault, but I certainly have some things to work on.


demakat: (Default)

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