Everything is terrible but it's not mine.
Aug. 24th, 2017 07:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demakatGeez the last time I said anything my dad had quit his job.
That did not stick. His boss apologized and he went back to work. Which...whatever it's not my life.
Then on my friend's way back from the vacation, my nephew told his grandma about some seriously inappropriate behavior that involved and neighbor and his son. However after all the chaos and federal investigation there is nothing conclusive. My nephew won't talk to people not his grandma about it, however his grandma is not trained to talk to children. So he is now seeing a therapist who deals with this sort of thing, and will hopefully build up enough trust with them to tell them things?
Because of all of this my friend and her husband are putting their house up for sale and moving as far south in the city as they can go and still be in it. Which is required for his job. If they get a house in this area, he will be 10 min from work instead of 2 hours in traffic. She will be mere minutes walking distance from her brother and his family. So while they look for houses they are staying in her brother's giant house.
With their two dogs. One of which has bitten people before. All of it made sense to us, as most of the times people were literally walking in the back gate. Once with a motorcycle helmet still on through a 7ft privacy gate, and the second time was a complete surprise and kind of breaking and entering. However just today he random mauled one of the brother's dogs. And they had him put down. Which sounds light here, but they've been trying to work with this dog for over a year now and he basically is only okay with my friend and her son and me. The rest of the time he was an impulsive pointy 4 year old in a 90 lb dog body. There are two babies in the house. I can't even begin to fathom what would have happened if one of the babies got hurt. I don't think he was a bad dog, but there is no dog jail. And there is no way to explain things to dog as clearly as reason can work with a person. He was always going to be a massive liability.
She's lost three pets now. The first time they had a second dog he was also massively broken. Someone gave him up and he cowered most of the time and was very scared almost all of the time. He did get slowly better over the years, but never fully. Eventually something happened with his back (we believe he was kicked in his previous family, possibly often) and there was literally nothing they could do for him.
Then she had a kitten-cat, who went into heat (not a fun first cat experience). Finally spayed. And then a similar thing happened. We found her suddenly screaming and unable to use her back legs. She had a heart condition that was nearly undetectable, and was a birth defect, and while they may be able to get rid of the blood clot that was blocking things then. Cats apparently are very difficult to medicate for such things and it would indeed happen again. Maybe in a few years, maybe months, maybe the next day. Or she could die of the heart condition too. Essentially in a massive amount of pain that would come back again and again. They had to put the cat down.
And now this dog, which aside from his size and exuberance making him kind of useless for such a task, functioned as an emotional support animal.
But in the end, while I can be upset and offer what little 'do things' support I am able. None of this is mine. I can feel for my friend, be sad about all of these things. Hurt. But this is not mine, in the same way that my dad wanting to quit his job is not my choice or life.
Additionally she is with lots of family and not alone away from adults most of the day like she was on the northside. So she is not talking to me as much (and is probably trying to process all of this terrible). I am feeling lonely, but realizing that I'm getting sucked into people's everything again. I stopped talking to another friend completely because my internal voice had become her voice and it was saying terrible judgy things all the time.
It's so easy to hand all of myself over to someone else. It's what I practiced growing up, it's what I practiced going through the end of college and onward. I think high school was the last time I really did things for myself that felt like choices. I don't mean picking classes, I mean spending my time and being able to hear what it is I want.
I am learning about myself again. I bought a new calculator because I remember loving mine from school. I have little use for it other than balancing my checking account, but I joyfully use it for that. I signed up to be part of a penpal thing because I want more of those and many of my friends don't care for that sort of thing. I covered a small canvas and part of a larger one with paint because I miss it.
I still have no idea where I'm going, and all I can really do about anything else is nothing. I can only explore my own things right now. I can't fix the other stuff. It hurts so bad, and I can't make it better. I don't have that power. Sitting in a tiny boat in the middle of a still ocean.
That did not stick. His boss apologized and he went back to work. Which...whatever it's not my life.
Then on my friend's way back from the vacation, my nephew told his grandma about some seriously inappropriate behavior that involved and neighbor and his son. However after all the chaos and federal investigation there is nothing conclusive. My nephew won't talk to people not his grandma about it, however his grandma is not trained to talk to children. So he is now seeing a therapist who deals with this sort of thing, and will hopefully build up enough trust with them to tell them things?
Because of all of this my friend and her husband are putting their house up for sale and moving as far south in the city as they can go and still be in it. Which is required for his job. If they get a house in this area, he will be 10 min from work instead of 2 hours in traffic. She will be mere minutes walking distance from her brother and his family. So while they look for houses they are staying in her brother's giant house.
With their two dogs. One of which has bitten people before. All of it made sense to us, as most of the times people were literally walking in the back gate. Once with a motorcycle helmet still on through a 7ft privacy gate, and the second time was a complete surprise and kind of breaking and entering. However just today he random mauled one of the brother's dogs. And they had him put down. Which sounds light here, but they've been trying to work with this dog for over a year now and he basically is only okay with my friend and her son and me. The rest of the time he was an impulsive pointy 4 year old in a 90 lb dog body. There are two babies in the house. I can't even begin to fathom what would have happened if one of the babies got hurt. I don't think he was a bad dog, but there is no dog jail. And there is no way to explain things to dog as clearly as reason can work with a person. He was always going to be a massive liability.
She's lost three pets now. The first time they had a second dog he was also massively broken. Someone gave him up and he cowered most of the time and was very scared almost all of the time. He did get slowly better over the years, but never fully. Eventually something happened with his back (we believe he was kicked in his previous family, possibly often) and there was literally nothing they could do for him.
Then she had a kitten-cat, who went into heat (not a fun first cat experience). Finally spayed. And then a similar thing happened. We found her suddenly screaming and unable to use her back legs. She had a heart condition that was nearly undetectable, and was a birth defect, and while they may be able to get rid of the blood clot that was blocking things then. Cats apparently are very difficult to medicate for such things and it would indeed happen again. Maybe in a few years, maybe months, maybe the next day. Or she could die of the heart condition too. Essentially in a massive amount of pain that would come back again and again. They had to put the cat down.
And now this dog, which aside from his size and exuberance making him kind of useless for such a task, functioned as an emotional support animal.
But in the end, while I can be upset and offer what little 'do things' support I am able. None of this is mine. I can feel for my friend, be sad about all of these things. Hurt. But this is not mine, in the same way that my dad wanting to quit his job is not my choice or life.
Additionally she is with lots of family and not alone away from adults most of the day like she was on the northside. So she is not talking to me as much (and is probably trying to process all of this terrible). I am feeling lonely, but realizing that I'm getting sucked into people's everything again. I stopped talking to another friend completely because my internal voice had become her voice and it was saying terrible judgy things all the time.
It's so easy to hand all of myself over to someone else. It's what I practiced growing up, it's what I practiced going through the end of college and onward. I think high school was the last time I really did things for myself that felt like choices. I don't mean picking classes, I mean spending my time and being able to hear what it is I want.
I am learning about myself again. I bought a new calculator because I remember loving mine from school. I have little use for it other than balancing my checking account, but I joyfully use it for that. I signed up to be part of a penpal thing because I want more of those and many of my friends don't care for that sort of thing. I covered a small canvas and part of a larger one with paint because I miss it.
I still have no idea where I'm going, and all I can really do about anything else is nothing. I can only explore my own things right now. I can't fix the other stuff. It hurts so bad, and I can't make it better. I don't have that power. Sitting in a tiny boat in the middle of a still ocean.
