Mar. 4th, 2015

demakat: (pinefresh)
I think I am at a point where I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know how to get out. I haven't done anything, and it's not like I'm in trouble with the law, but I feel stagnant. Yet I can't really do a whole lot about it due to my work and the time it takes to get there. All of the normal things that I could want to do, like getting exercise or taking better care of myself, come as a direct hit to the amount of sleep I get. I am out of time to give to anything. I want to do things but I constantly feel like I have no time. It is creating panic for me mentally.

I feel like I need life guidance, but I don't have many places to turn to for that. I'm 10 years beyond when my parents moved out (together, and they're aware especially now that it's nearly impossible to do on your own) and so everything is really spearheaded by me. I was the first one to go to college and now everything just feels stuck. My parents only know how to do what they've been doing. But everything changes and right now it feels like a subtle shift is starting to be felt.

People tell me that everything is going to be okay, and that they're here for those times when everything sucks. It's okay to vent to your "people", but I constantly feel like a burden. I feel unworthy of everyone's awesomeness. Which hinders a lot of things, and puts me into patterns I don't know that I believe. Like, I think things would be better if I were in a relationship, but that isn't necessarily true. As though everything would be more simple and happy, but it could just as easily be more chaotic and stress inducing.

Everything lately feels like defeat. As though someone said we're going on vacation, and I grab all my things but they're pulling out of the driveway without me. And I'm just standing there with balls of yarn and books slowly plupping to the ground because they didn't fit in my bag. Is it too much to ask for someone who is willing to be irrational with me and say 'It's okay no one is going on vacation without you. I'm right here.'

Should I try to get an office job closer to where I live, but that would likely pay less. Just to have more free time? Is that even going to fix anything?

I'm trying to train I guess, for a 5k. Because in a fit of madness I signed up for one with a friend. This specific one looks like it's made of bouncy houses for adults, and it isn't timed. But I walked the timed mile run in high school, and I don't think that I've ever run for more than a minute in my life. I got a gym membership, and then I got the flu (not from the gym). I want to be able to do fun things with my friends without being the fat slow one. Yet it seems like trying to wedge more things into my life is causing me to feel stressed. Saying no and going to bed isn't really going to make it better either.

and to top it off my room is covered in crap from me trying to clean and get rid of things. Every weekend lately has been throwing me for a loop on that one, and nothing has been getting done. So my environment is a bad one to feel positive or hopeful in. All I know how to do is keep going, keep trying.

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demakat

August 2017

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