May. 9th, 2015

demakat: (Default)
It seems like my posting streak came to an end there. I was trying to write in a journal before going to bed and so all of my words got used up there, but it was working...and I should continue.

The winter to spring transition really messed with me this year and I had a point where my chest hurt, but everyone seems to think it was more stress related. Which makes sense because I've started swinging into panics the last few years or so. They don't really seem to have a trigger, but a friend suggested that it could be 'trapped' feelings related to my job. If I hadn't spent years in high school coming home, crying and learning how to "talk myself down", I could see it turning into full blown panic attacks. Mostly I just have to learn how to work on my mental health again, instead of waiting for things to get bad first and training under fire. Sometimes my natural tendency to just continue with life even when everything is shitty, is nice. Other times is masks too well how sad I am and then no one knows.

My dad recently pointed out to me that I was managing my debt in a stupid manner. So yesterday I finally got some of that figured out. I had to take out a loan. "Yes, I am an adult!" It was kind of scary. Mostly because my brain holds on to all my bills and just kept thinking I was adding another I couldn't afford, when really it was consolidating things. But now I get a month grace period to pay off other minor debts with the money I normally use for those bills. Thankfully there is no prepayment penalties. Interest rates kill.

I've been getting books from the library like a crazy person. I finally read Dee Williams' The Big Tiny and it was awesome. I can't believe how often I forget I can get mostly any book I want from the library through their loan program with other libraries. I just have to wait, and my amazon list was just that anyhow. Waiting until I could afford buying things. I keep picking out non-fiction books though, and my brain really needs fiction. But I am so...gun shy of fiction? I don't know what I really like, and if the story bothers me I will put it down and not finish. I had to do that with memoirs of a geisha. Like 1/3 of the way in I just couldn't read anymore. It wasn't even bad, Like I could see the story too plainly or something, and it was going to get much more painful and I couldn't handle it. I also tried reading Wicked, and with that one I simply wasn't personally invested in any of the characters, so I put it down too. I'm like a picky eater, and it's not fun.

I also got a big deadpool anthology from the library. I don't really care for superheros, I don't get it. But deadpool seemed like a sassy enough jackass that I could like it. Now that I've read through it, I think he needs to be written better. The best dialog was deadpool with himself, because there was actual dialog. I've watched through most of dragon ball z...this was on par with that. I was expecting more sass, more actual wit. If I had to pick a superhero I still pick deadpool, though I am underwhelmed by 'old school' comics in general.

Now I just have to make a mother's day card to go with my gift and wait another few hours before taking more cold meds, so I can sleep tonight. I don't know if I should be happy it's not allergies or what.


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