May. 30th, 2016

demakat: (pinefresh)
I'm going to start the summer artslam tomorrow. It always reminds me of livejournal and how I miss whatever that was. I've tried to get into forums, but I just don't care as much. They're always very specific. Where is the forum for people who could use a hug but don't really do that often, or the forum for people who work a ton and commute a long distance and are introverted and it's slowly killing them.

Then I spew out the above and realize why I don't really write here anymore. I miss it, but with everything being majorly public it's hard not to have a brain tick about curating your own output. Livejournal was my high school therapy. It really is a strange form of modifying my own behavior though, this second guess at what publishing on the internet will get you. How will I be viewed. No don't. Don't make animal characters, people will think you're a furry. Draw people, that's normal. Don't write out every bit of drama llama that's happening in your life. No one is even reading it anyhow. Only post things that look good.
But I'm not a brand, and I'm not marketing myself. I think about my characters all the time, but drawing them has been stunted because...what will people think? I want to be all aggressively uncaring about what others thing, but everything will happen more quietly. It always has. No matter how much I wish I was cool or amazing. I am just walking here. Or trudging, depending on the day. I suppose at least I am still moving. I haven't yet turned into a rock.

well now that I've spent an hour having wandered away, it's likely that part of the issue is thanks to my lack of personal time. Personal time is not the same as, commuting time, being at work alone time or hanging out with anyone else time. I wasn't even doing stupid things, I was cleaning. And now I'm hungry again. I need the ability to just pause everything. I would use it a lot.

Unless I am missing a massive loan somewhere... I've paid off almost half my student loans. I still really haven't internalized this. It makes sense because I've been out of school for almost 8 years...but wow.


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