![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Aug. 18th, 2012 09:22 pmMy room sounds like a weird rock/jazz lounge. Its probably the bass in this band's music, which is usually what attracts me to any music.
I've been going back and forth with the idea of posting how I'm feeling today. It is really hard to describe and if what is happening is what I think, then I'm pretty proud of myself.
I think part of my issues with feeling like hell in high school was the fact that all of my friends were dating people. Not only did I feel unattractive, but I was (and am still despite having lost some of it) over weight. It doesn't help matters that I'm fairly recluse as a person and am very okay with being on my own.
I know high school is pretty bad for a lot of people, sometimes I think its what drove us all to the internet (I am not counting facebook among the internet), and mine wasn't even really that bad. I can't even call what I felt as self loathing either. I don't hate myself, I like me most of the time, but I also feel like I'm not really worth other people's time or effort. I apologize a lot even now, because I feel like I've done things wrong and am a burden for others.
So that feelings, and then my hormones essentially shut down on me. I'm guessing now it was probably because of the palm oil and all the dairy things that my body was deciding it REALLY didn't like.
Now I'm mostly back to where I should be BUT without any practice at hormones for the past 10 years. So lately with all that I've mentally been putting myself through with boys and crap, I feel really similar to where I was in high school. I'm scared. That was not fun or any way I want to live like again.
The part where I feel I deserve a pat on the back is where I've been able to tell myself that the thoughts of not being worth it, are crap. I would spend the time on someone, and I really only want to be with someone who would spend time on me. I want to be with someone who does feel that I am worth it, even if I don't personally feel that way about myself all the time. That I have made it to a point where I'm not overwhelmingly affected by these thoughts and I recognize them as unimportant.
Considering I'm kind of sad feeling, I still feel pretty good. I've been cleaning up my room and I've got nice music going. I'm going to work on the "assignment" piece for my interview on wednesday and tomorrow I do laundry and try to put together a portfolio.
I've been going back and forth with the idea of posting how I'm feeling today. It is really hard to describe and if what is happening is what I think, then I'm pretty proud of myself.
I think part of my issues with feeling like hell in high school was the fact that all of my friends were dating people. Not only did I feel unattractive, but I was (and am still despite having lost some of it) over weight. It doesn't help matters that I'm fairly recluse as a person and am very okay with being on my own.
I know high school is pretty bad for a lot of people, sometimes I think its what drove us all to the internet (I am not counting facebook among the internet), and mine wasn't even really that bad. I can't even call what I felt as self loathing either. I don't hate myself, I like me most of the time, but I also feel like I'm not really worth other people's time or effort. I apologize a lot even now, because I feel like I've done things wrong and am a burden for others.
So that feelings, and then my hormones essentially shut down on me. I'm guessing now it was probably because of the palm oil and all the dairy things that my body was deciding it REALLY didn't like.
Now I'm mostly back to where I should be BUT without any practice at hormones for the past 10 years. So lately with all that I've mentally been putting myself through with boys and crap, I feel really similar to where I was in high school. I'm scared. That was not fun or any way I want to live like again.
The part where I feel I deserve a pat on the back is where I've been able to tell myself that the thoughts of not being worth it, are crap. I would spend the time on someone, and I really only want to be with someone who would spend time on me. I want to be with someone who does feel that I am worth it, even if I don't personally feel that way about myself all the time. That I have made it to a point where I'm not overwhelmingly affected by these thoughts and I recognize them as unimportant.
Considering I'm kind of sad feeling, I still feel pretty good. I've been cleaning up my room and I've got nice music going. I'm going to work on the "assignment" piece for my interview on wednesday and tomorrow I do laundry and try to put together a portfolio.
