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demakatYay eating chocolate bear cookies for breakfast.
I think that I don't want to go down stairs and eat foods because then I'm committed to the day cause I have to get dressed in real cloths, and uh effort!
I found myself getting aggravated at work. Which is both new and old. [excuse me while I check for new job openings at work....] and nothin good unless I want to move to minnesota, and it would have to pay at least 800$ more a month for me to even find a place to live. Cause its not like I can live on my own with the "extra" 400 dollars a month I have now. And its not even that I get paid poorly, I just have too many bills.
anyhow, I was feeling okay at work by just not caring. I've reduced myself to the younger kid's level of functioning at work. I use to get upset because no one cared. I can't make people care, that has never been a strong skill for me. Instead I just do my part correctly to the best of my ability. Then I realized that I also hadn't been taking my vitamin D stuff. So who knows what it really was, maybe these stupid midshifts where I wake up an hour before work, go to work forever, then come home eat food and have essentially an hour before I need to sleep. and that is how you run a semi major grocery store with about 35ish people cashiering.
Mostly what I wanted to whine about though is that I've been feeling all lonely again. I suspect its a natural human need to be touched that I'm really missing. I don't hug my friends or my family except for the awkward greeting and departing hugs that everyone seems to insist on (and that I personally don't use with my friends). Don't get me wrong, I don't hate hugs...but I have never felt safe enough to really enjoy one. That statement isn't even entirely true. I label it as "safe" but thats not really it. I don't ever feel close enough to the people who hug me, or where/when they hug me that I can enjoy the sensation. Plus its also probably a shock to my system.
It is like I live in a bubble inside of me, and through observation and general teachings I have come to act and react appropriately with people but no one ever really gets through the bubble. I would like to be with someone who is patient enough with me to bring at least most of my defenses down. I would prefer they were male, because frankly they have the bits I like though it doesn't have to be a guy. In general though guys would be stronger than me, which would help me learn to play fight without seriously injuring anyone, women and some guys are not up for this task. I enjoy a good tussly puppy like fight.
I feel sometimes like no one would ever put that much time into me, and I get sad that I'm not really worth it anyhow.
But I remind myself the examples of guys and people I have at work tell me that everyone really just wants to go out and drink and maybe do some drugs and whoo isn't that fun everyone wants to be together all the time because being alone is just the worst! right guys! and half of them are hipsters.
a note on hipsters.
I like well made cloths that are utilitarian and don't wear out very quickly.
I like bicycles
I like the idea of living with minimal things, though I have yet to impliment it.
things I don't get
those awful giant glasses.
drinking, and especially those tall cans. ..uh whoo?
neck scarves, for guys but also for women. I guess not a fan, but I do appreciate non-cold neck.
anyhow essentially I am surrounded by NOT the kind of people I want to get super close to.
When I was younger and trying to explain this thing to my mom she said that you can't expect someone to be joined at the hip with me. I don't I expect someone to take enough time with me that they can easily make it through the bubble and don't alert all the sentry guards. Like actually feeling pleased when this person comes up and hugs me from behind while I'm shouting at my computer or something. (to be clear I would be shouting at it cause code is not working or something, not cause people piss me off all that much)
It feels like the same problem I have with housing. Like I'm not aiming high enough so I will forever sit here where I am. I don't want a giant house with awesome things. I want an apartment and at most a small small house. So I'm stuck at home not being able to afford anything. I want someone to love me but it doesn't have to be all crazy style...and instead I am surrounded by useless IRL.
and this great spew has to be over now because I need to get ready for work, again.
I think that I don't want to go down stairs and eat foods because then I'm committed to the day cause I have to get dressed in real cloths, and uh effort!
I found myself getting aggravated at work. Which is both new and old. [excuse me while I check for new job openings at work....] and nothin good unless I want to move to minnesota, and it would have to pay at least 800$ more a month for me to even find a place to live. Cause its not like I can live on my own with the "extra" 400 dollars a month I have now. And its not even that I get paid poorly, I just have too many bills.
anyhow, I was feeling okay at work by just not caring. I've reduced myself to the younger kid's level of functioning at work. I use to get upset because no one cared. I can't make people care, that has never been a strong skill for me. Instead I just do my part correctly to the best of my ability. Then I realized that I also hadn't been taking my vitamin D stuff. So who knows what it really was, maybe these stupid midshifts where I wake up an hour before work, go to work forever, then come home eat food and have essentially an hour before I need to sleep. and that is how you run a semi major grocery store with about 35ish people cashiering.
Mostly what I wanted to whine about though is that I've been feeling all lonely again. I suspect its a natural human need to be touched that I'm really missing. I don't hug my friends or my family except for the awkward greeting and departing hugs that everyone seems to insist on (and that I personally don't use with my friends). Don't get me wrong, I don't hate hugs...but I have never felt safe enough to really enjoy one. That statement isn't even entirely true. I label it as "safe" but thats not really it. I don't ever feel close enough to the people who hug me, or where/when they hug me that I can enjoy the sensation. Plus its also probably a shock to my system.
It is like I live in a bubble inside of me, and through observation and general teachings I have come to act and react appropriately with people but no one ever really gets through the bubble. I would like to be with someone who is patient enough with me to bring at least most of my defenses down. I would prefer they were male, because frankly they have the bits I like though it doesn't have to be a guy. In general though guys would be stronger than me, which would help me learn to play fight without seriously injuring anyone, women and some guys are not up for this task. I enjoy a good tussly puppy like fight.
I feel sometimes like no one would ever put that much time into me, and I get sad that I'm not really worth it anyhow.
But I remind myself the examples of guys and people I have at work tell me that everyone really just wants to go out and drink and maybe do some drugs and whoo isn't that fun everyone wants to be together all the time because being alone is just the worst! right guys! and half of them are hipsters.
a note on hipsters.
I like well made cloths that are utilitarian and don't wear out very quickly.
I like bicycles
I like the idea of living with minimal things, though I have yet to impliment it.
things I don't get
those awful giant glasses.
drinking, and especially those tall cans. ..uh whoo?
neck scarves, for guys but also for women. I guess not a fan, but I do appreciate non-cold neck.
anyhow essentially I am surrounded by NOT the kind of people I want to get super close to.
When I was younger and trying to explain this thing to my mom she said that you can't expect someone to be joined at the hip with me. I don't I expect someone to take enough time with me that they can easily make it through the bubble and don't alert all the sentry guards. Like actually feeling pleased when this person comes up and hugs me from behind while I'm shouting at my computer or something. (to be clear I would be shouting at it cause code is not working or something, not cause people piss me off all that much)
It feels like the same problem I have with housing. Like I'm not aiming high enough so I will forever sit here where I am. I don't want a giant house with awesome things. I want an apartment and at most a small small house. So I'm stuck at home not being able to afford anything. I want someone to love me but it doesn't have to be all crazy style...and instead I am surrounded by useless IRL.
and this great spew has to be over now because I need to get ready for work, again.
