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demakatI keep feeling like I'm not good enough. I know I work hard, and my problem solving skills make me accidentally at least passable at anything I do. Yet I have always felt like the things I'm required to present to other people aren't enough. Interestingly though, I don't strive for perfection. I just allow myself to sit in 'not good enough' with a resounding "well, whatever". The balance between people's appreciations making me feel extremely awkward ('can you just please stop gushing, I printed something for you. It is REALLY no big deal') and wanting to feel useful and wanted.
Made toast and coffee for breakfast. Got into a long feminism talk with my mom and one sister, about how it hurts men a lot too. Then on my second cup of coffee I was thinking to myself, while arguing for savory sweet potatoes over sicky sweet at thanksgiving, about how I don't do childish things. How I should probably talk to someone who's trained in helping people untangle their own minds, because it's sort of free through work. And finally, the last time I remember talking to someone, about college and what I wanted to do.
I wanted to go to Evergreen State college, because I wanted to do art. Then I decided that bio was probably a better way to go. Applied to in-state schools and right before we really paid for anything got told that I couldn't take art classes while I was being a biology student there. Backed out of that, and decided that maybe it was really art I loved after all. Was in the process of getting the right course-work for a private school that had illustration. But why go there for the same amount of money that it would cost me to go to the city's fancy art school. Went there for a semester, hated it. Got a degree in graphic design from somewhere near by so I could learn really well how to use the Adobe programs.
SO. Why didn't I just go to evergreen state and get my bougie art degree and become an artist. I wanted to not be my dad, who doesn't like the people he works for, though he is exceptionally good at the job he does. Though they never made a point of pressuring me, as the oldest I always felt the subtle pressure to do better than my parents. Yet here I am still living in their house. Why does having wanted to go to that school STILL feel like being irresponsible. I just imagine being too stubborn to call my parents and ask for help when I know they don't have money. And I can imagine actually finally asking for help, and not knowing how they would even provide that to me. Being an additional tax on their resources when I was the one who decided to just do "whatever".
Yet everyone wants me to write stories. My dad and one of my friends have been telling me for years to illustrate children's books. Drawing a bicycles and flash cards for my nephew is different from making something that will likely get rejected, or worse, will be loved by children.
There's some video of Jim Carry doing a commencement speech going around, where he tells of his father who could have been an amazing comedian. Instead his father thought to do something safe and be an accountant, but then he got laid off. That it's possible to fail at something you don't want. So why not try at something you do want, even though you might fail.
---
and then my mom came by my room and we cried at one another about this, and how I have a captive audience in my nephew and that he would love if I made books for him.
So really, at the end. I'm in a better frame of mind from where I was friday. I guess I have new projects, though I have to complete the great christmas gift quest. I'm listening to folk metal, because it's "christmas music" to me. And now I'm headed to the store with my mom and sister in order to gear up for the festival of foods.
Made toast and coffee for breakfast. Got into a long feminism talk with my mom and one sister, about how it hurts men a lot too. Then on my second cup of coffee I was thinking to myself, while arguing for savory sweet potatoes over sicky sweet at thanksgiving, about how I don't do childish things. How I should probably talk to someone who's trained in helping people untangle their own minds, because it's sort of free through work. And finally, the last time I remember talking to someone, about college and what I wanted to do.
I wanted to go to Evergreen State college, because I wanted to do art. Then I decided that bio was probably a better way to go. Applied to in-state schools and right before we really paid for anything got told that I couldn't take art classes while I was being a biology student there. Backed out of that, and decided that maybe it was really art I loved after all. Was in the process of getting the right course-work for a private school that had illustration. But why go there for the same amount of money that it would cost me to go to the city's fancy art school. Went there for a semester, hated it. Got a degree in graphic design from somewhere near by so I could learn really well how to use the Adobe programs.
SO. Why didn't I just go to evergreen state and get my bougie art degree and become an artist. I wanted to not be my dad, who doesn't like the people he works for, though he is exceptionally good at the job he does. Though they never made a point of pressuring me, as the oldest I always felt the subtle pressure to do better than my parents. Yet here I am still living in their house. Why does having wanted to go to that school STILL feel like being irresponsible. I just imagine being too stubborn to call my parents and ask for help when I know they don't have money. And I can imagine actually finally asking for help, and not knowing how they would even provide that to me. Being an additional tax on their resources when I was the one who decided to just do "whatever".
Yet everyone wants me to write stories. My dad and one of my friends have been telling me for years to illustrate children's books. Drawing a bicycles and flash cards for my nephew is different from making something that will likely get rejected, or worse, will be loved by children.
There's some video of Jim Carry doing a commencement speech going around, where he tells of his father who could have been an amazing comedian. Instead his father thought to do something safe and be an accountant, but then he got laid off. That it's possible to fail at something you don't want. So why not try at something you do want, even though you might fail.
---
and then my mom came by my room and we cried at one another about this, and how I have a captive audience in my nephew and that he would love if I made books for him.
So really, at the end. I'm in a better frame of mind from where I was friday. I guess I have new projects, though I have to complete the great christmas gift quest. I'm listening to folk metal, because it's "christmas music" to me. And now I'm headed to the store with my mom and sister in order to gear up for the festival of foods.
