demakat

I didn't get the job...

It was at the tire place, because I took the day off. Might as well do something that easier done on a regular day.
I got told that we were both really great and I should keep trying. That the other person just had a few specific things that made her a better fit.

My mean feeling, I hope that my trend continues. That this other girl fails spectacularly. That is the trend, if I don't get the job, the person that does ends up quitting or ends up "no longer with us" meaning they were fired or left on bad terms.

All this week I was stressed out beyond reason. Thanksgiving is coming and I could barely keep up with everything at work and the labor intensiveness of applying for this job. Already I got up at 6am in order to make booklets for everyone to take with them before my interview.

I dislike when logic is overridden by emotion. Or that logic doesn't trump emotional response.

I feel gross being upset over not conforming enough for this company's standards. But it's hard not to be sad when "good but not good enough" is all I hear from work, yet all the people who matter seem to think I'm amazing. The people who put a monetary value on my work happen to have a similar opinion as I have of myself. It makes it hard to hear all the people who think I'm amazing.

I'm not good enough for a job I don't even love. I just happen to be good at it. I happen to be good at a great many things, because I grasp concepts and systems well. But I have never yet found anything I want to do with any sort of passion. I just get up every day and DO. I get up and get dressed. I get up and I make things. anything. everything. This is just who I am, it doesn't seem amazing to me.

I'm so disappointed. All I ever wanted was simple things. I don't want a new car, or a house. I just want to feel safe and the ability to keep learning and making. I can't even achieve those things. Whatever I'm doing it's not working. I am even worse at taking care of myself now than I was before all this stress.

edit: I want a puppy...