Nothing makes sense anymore
Sep. 16th, 2014 08:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demakatI was driving home and suddenly a spider crawled across my window. It was on the outside and of course decided to stop in the middle while I was driving. Finally when I stopped at a light again it moved somewhere it was less likely to get blown off.
The spider reminds me of how someone I know posted that they keep getting spiders in their apartment and they spray and spray, yet still more spiders. I felt kind of sad. They're probably just cold and came inside.
The one time it was storming really bad while I was driving and my current car spider got blown away in the rain.
So I finally realized how comforting it is for me to see spiders, aside from the initial scare of suddenly something moving. Something so upsetting to most people is what lets me know that everything is going to be okay. Sometimes I'm really pleased that small things make me happy and content, and other times I feel so tired of being a weirdo.
---
Monday everyone I wanted to talk to did not want to talk to me, and people that I wished would be quiet for a while kept saying things instead. Now it feels like everything is moving. Everyone else has projects and wheels spinning, but me. I feel like in movies when there is just a closeup of someone breathing, waiting. What now?
I'm worried people don't want to talk to me anymore. That's not usually the case. I'm worried that people do like me. That is also not usually the case. I am worried I'm a horrible person. Also not usually the case. So all of these things that are going on for me mentally, are extremely unlikely to be true. I can't even use them like a worry stone anymore. Logic, for once, won an emotional battle and I'm left feeling empty. Still the feeling of 'what now?'
There is still the doubt on the worries. That the logic is flawed, or this one instance is an outlier. People have just quit talking to me before. I've done the same thing. I have to accept that it's possible.
There is still doubt in the assurance that people don't like me. Previous memories might lead to doubt on the third thing, about not being a horrible person. Maybe I'm just shutting guys down without realizing it. For all the many words I make figuring things out, it's rare I say how I feel to the people where it might make a difference. It wouldn't matter anyway, once people find out how inexperienced I am with anything at all I often lose their interest.
I wonder when my parents and friends will lose hope? Mine is still there, however tiny and confused. But for how much longer?
---
My coworker has an interview for another job. I hope he gets it, and that it's what he is looking for. We've talked lately about how he put in a lot of hard work in college, where I feel like I didn't. It makes me feel like this is something he deserves, where as I don't want "it" enough. "It" being a job that isn't in retail, or a job that pays me enough to live on.
So everything is on the verge of changing, but nothing has. Yet I still have to go to work. I can't just wait around in my room napping.
The spider reminds me of how someone I know posted that they keep getting spiders in their apartment and they spray and spray, yet still more spiders. I felt kind of sad. They're probably just cold and came inside.
The one time it was storming really bad while I was driving and my current car spider got blown away in the rain.
So I finally realized how comforting it is for me to see spiders, aside from the initial scare of suddenly something moving. Something so upsetting to most people is what lets me know that everything is going to be okay. Sometimes I'm really pleased that small things make me happy and content, and other times I feel so tired of being a weirdo.
---
Monday everyone I wanted to talk to did not want to talk to me, and people that I wished would be quiet for a while kept saying things instead. Now it feels like everything is moving. Everyone else has projects and wheels spinning, but me. I feel like in movies when there is just a closeup of someone breathing, waiting. What now?
I'm worried people don't want to talk to me anymore. That's not usually the case. I'm worried that people do like me. That is also not usually the case. I am worried I'm a horrible person. Also not usually the case. So all of these things that are going on for me mentally, are extremely unlikely to be true. I can't even use them like a worry stone anymore. Logic, for once, won an emotional battle and I'm left feeling empty. Still the feeling of 'what now?'
There is still the doubt on the worries. That the logic is flawed, or this one instance is an outlier. People have just quit talking to me before. I've done the same thing. I have to accept that it's possible.
There is still doubt in the assurance that people don't like me. Previous memories might lead to doubt on the third thing, about not being a horrible person. Maybe I'm just shutting guys down without realizing it. For all the many words I make figuring things out, it's rare I say how I feel to the people where it might make a difference. It wouldn't matter anyway, once people find out how inexperienced I am with anything at all I often lose their interest.
I wonder when my parents and friends will lose hope? Mine is still there, however tiny and confused. But for how much longer?
---
My coworker has an interview for another job. I hope he gets it, and that it's what he is looking for. We've talked lately about how he put in a lot of hard work in college, where I feel like I didn't. It makes me feel like this is something he deserves, where as I don't want "it" enough. "It" being a job that isn't in retail, or a job that pays me enough to live on.
So everything is on the verge of changing, but nothing has. Yet I still have to go to work. I can't just wait around in my room napping.
