(no subject)

[demakat]

It seems somewhere I transitioned to some sort of survival mode. Then I accidentally gave myself a 3 1/2 day weekend. I'm through the half and...I don't know what to do with myself. Also doesn't help that I'm incredibly hungry even though I ate all the steamed broccoli we had and half the container of left over smoked chicken.

On top of that I spent time using a box cutter to try and cut branches off of a downed part of tree in my work parking lot. It seems I like to do futile things, because then I couldn't get the branch to fit in my car, and then I remembered that my friend's mom is suppose to be painting them already so getting more doesn't matter.

Then I cried on the way home because of everything. Because I should be worth someone loving me and I don't think I really am. There is still that tiny bit of hope and I just mash that fucker with a hammer every chance I get.

Case in point I found someone on facebook and messaged them because I never see them at work anymore, and wanted to say work things at them. Response, but a disappointing one. Then I wonder if everyone can tell when I like someone, but they don't say anything because it's impolite. Ya got a little bit of stupid in your teeth right there...yeah... I have to remember that not everyone is that polite. I mean I guess I can throw that prospect out the window, it was unlikely to have worked anyhow. Unfortunately feelings don't take to logic well.

I explained how I'm upset that I feel sad and lonely and I know there is little I can do to change that other than wait. That it frustrates me to not have logic work at all. That I seem to be able to organize everyone else's shit but my own because of this. That I have to ride these bullshit emotions out while I deal with other people's shit. I talked all this at my mom across the kitchen while crying about it. How I wish I had someone I could hug and cry all over, and they would tell me it's going to be okay even though there is no way of really knowing that. But instead I'm crying at someone across the room explaining in a concise fashion exactly what the problem is, and how there is no intimidate solution.

also...
everyone at work needs to stop looking appealing. I'm so done being suddenly aware that I find someone attractive. It doesn't even DO anything! I just feel stupid because no one even likes me, and if they do they have no idea how to get any closer to me and I don't know the answer to that either!


I am so incredibly hungry. I don't understand. I'm angry at being hungry, because I don't want to have to feed myself. I don't want food. I want to sleep, but I can't because it's only 8pm and I can't sleep when my stomach is all growly anyhow. *irrational anger and crazy*