making tiny amounts of confetti
Aug. 19th, 2014 06:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demakatI am hand punching out holes on... 560 tags. Usually in twos so 280. I don't even think this particularly tedious. But I keep getting slammed with these horrible feelings, like I'm dying on the inside. The joy I should be feeling at doing tedious things in order to craft something amazing, is just sad instead. I don't want to be doing this with my time. I didn't have a sewing machine all summer. It didn't even matter because I am never home to use it. I am never home. I haven't had a free two days in well over a month. Apparently that luxury was keeping me sane.
I want someone else to care that I can't manage to feed myself well. That all of the hot food vegetables at work are gross, and/or covered in dairy products. That I don't have time to bring home things to make because I get home drink some water and instantly get into bed. I wake up and go down stairs to sometimes make coffee and grab an egg. Sure I visit at a friend's house, but it's not my house. It doesn't have my computer and my stupid chachkies(phonic spelling because whatever) It doesn't smell like me.
I keep wishing for a person who feels like home, because I think somehow this will help me. I'm disappointed that I haven't been able to make some sort of space for myself where ever I am. Maybe it's why I carry around a big bag of things, why I want so badly a vehicle that I could live out of. I could be a turtle and bring my things with me. I feel stupid for wanting someone else to feel like home. I don't want to depend on people in that way. I should be able to be my own home, the same way I'm my own boyfriend because no one else is. I never wanted to need other people, so many people around me act like babies and I'm crying at the internet because I apparently need to put this somewhere.
One of those times I wish I could rationalize just going away, until I feel less overwhelmed. That doesn't get my bills paid, it doesn't really fix anything, and probably causes more problems.
I keep remembering how my mom said that it's because I want everything my own way. I do. I never really get it though, unless I'm completely alone.
So I'm sit here punching holes in tags for one friend, until a different friend gets back from dinner with her parents, that I said I wouldn't go to. I'm tired of being a better boyfriend than people's actual significant others. I'm at home, doing something in front of my computer like I want and instead I just cry and write this. It seems so crazy from where I'm at right now. I can't even say I'll do my wedding different. I can't even say I don't want one. I've never looked forward to anything like this. It requires a kind of hope that usually causes a massive breakdown.
I want someone else to care that I can't manage to feed myself well. That all of the hot food vegetables at work are gross, and/or covered in dairy products. That I don't have time to bring home things to make because I get home drink some water and instantly get into bed. I wake up and go down stairs to sometimes make coffee and grab an egg. Sure I visit at a friend's house, but it's not my house. It doesn't have my computer and my stupid chachkies(phonic spelling because whatever) It doesn't smell like me.
I keep wishing for a person who feels like home, because I think somehow this will help me. I'm disappointed that I haven't been able to make some sort of space for myself where ever I am. Maybe it's why I carry around a big bag of things, why I want so badly a vehicle that I could live out of. I could be a turtle and bring my things with me. I feel stupid for wanting someone else to feel like home. I don't want to depend on people in that way. I should be able to be my own home, the same way I'm my own boyfriend because no one else is. I never wanted to need other people, so many people around me act like babies and I'm crying at the internet because I apparently need to put this somewhere.
One of those times I wish I could rationalize just going away, until I feel less overwhelmed. That doesn't get my bills paid, it doesn't really fix anything, and probably causes more problems.
I keep remembering how my mom said that it's because I want everything my own way. I do. I never really get it though, unless I'm completely alone.
So I'm sit here punching holes in tags for one friend, until a different friend gets back from dinner with her parents, that I said I wouldn't go to. I'm tired of being a better boyfriend than people's actual significant others. I'm at home, doing something in front of my computer like I want and instead I just cry and write this. It seems so crazy from where I'm at right now. I can't even say I'll do my wedding different. I can't even say I don't want one. I've never looked forward to anything like this. It requires a kind of hope that usually causes a massive breakdown.
