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Jul. 13th, 2014 07:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demakatSo for a while I felt really messed up and I cried a whole lot about things I couldn't change really. Then I sort of quit everything and got better about some stuff. I came to some sort of conclusion, and I even though I've been trying I can't really express what it was.
I got asked to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. So I asked, and now I'm getting upset all over again.
How does anyone begin to combat the feelings of not being good enough? I want to be something to someone. Instead I just keep getting older and I'm not worth the time it would take someone to get through to me anymore. I want to be of use to people, but I have a hard time mass producing anything or even being able to take money for it. I want to do things. Yet nothing at all happens now, always in the future or the past.
I'm afraid the waiting will last forever, and that my patience is really just indifference.
The screen on my computer has been crocodile pictures for a while now. Waiting to make a move. What if I've already missed it.
---
Nothing that I want to do can just be done. It has to be worked toward with care. It's a skill I have used a total of once, and the rewards were disheartening. I completed college and got debt and no job prospects as a result.
I want to do crazy things, but I don't know how while also paying back my student loans. Though to be fair, most of them involve showing up and figuring things out when I get there. It makes money matters difficult even without student debt.
---
This whole thing is like a story.
Long long hair, like thin delicate wires.
Going to sleep every night. Don't move too much.
Yet each morning everything is tangled.
Undo it a little at a time, through out the day.
Or all at once in the morning.
Leave it all week long, in order to spend hours all at once.
Spend the night each evening, gently washing it away.
---
Yesterday I got to go to the zoo with a little kid who didn't care much for animals, but wanted to drive the maintenance vehicles.
Then I read a book.
I spent this morning untangling, and now I feel really tired. Like one tiny step forward after what feels like a leap backwards.
I wonder if I annoy people by talking in stories, examples and abstracts.
I got asked to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. So I asked, and now I'm getting upset all over again.
How does anyone begin to combat the feelings of not being good enough? I want to be something to someone. Instead I just keep getting older and I'm not worth the time it would take someone to get through to me anymore. I want to be of use to people, but I have a hard time mass producing anything or even being able to take money for it. I want to do things. Yet nothing at all happens now, always in the future or the past.
I'm afraid the waiting will last forever, and that my patience is really just indifference.
The screen on my computer has been crocodile pictures for a while now. Waiting to make a move. What if I've already missed it.
---
Nothing that I want to do can just be done. It has to be worked toward with care. It's a skill I have used a total of once, and the rewards were disheartening. I completed college and got debt and no job prospects as a result.
I want to do crazy things, but I don't know how while also paying back my student loans. Though to be fair, most of them involve showing up and figuring things out when I get there. It makes money matters difficult even without student debt.
---
This whole thing is like a story.
Long long hair, like thin delicate wires.
Going to sleep every night. Don't move too much.
Yet each morning everything is tangled.
Undo it a little at a time, through out the day.
Or all at once in the morning.
Leave it all week long, in order to spend hours all at once.
Spend the night each evening, gently washing it away.
---
Yesterday I got to go to the zoo with a little kid who didn't care much for animals, but wanted to drive the maintenance vehicles.
Then I read a book.
I spent this morning untangling, and now I feel really tired. Like one tiny step forward after what feels like a leap backwards.
I wonder if I annoy people by talking in stories, examples and abstracts.
