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Jun. 16th, 2014 07:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demakatSometimes I don't know if I need to withdraw from life or continue to act like an adult. Withdrawing doesn't have to mean being childish, but it does tend to me that I don't move, I don't do things. The momentum that adulthood sometimes takes on makes it scary to just open the door and get out for a while.
My mom talks about it in an artist's way style, that I need to fill my creative well. I'm not making time to read, which was always my way of doing that when I was younger. I feel kind of lost and that all of my tools are just out of reach. Maybe because I'm slowly trying new things, but I'm doing it on nearly empty creative energy.
I've been asking people for help lately. Not directly saying "help me" but asking for things when I know that I need another brain, or set of eyes. I feel this strange cord pull though, where I feel like like I shouldn't be bothering others. There is a back and forth among humans that make us a communal society in general, that refutes this feeling. The length of time I've known most of these people should also refute this feeling. But it's like some single note on a string instrument and I can feel it ripple through me, and I get sad. That I'm not really worth anything, and I need to be more sorry that I'm intruding on people's lives.
I wish I had a complex, with my own tiny tiny house and one or two other houses on the property. That people could come stay with me, and follow their own schedule, waking up when they pleased. Come find me when you'd like some foods or coffee. I'll be somewhere, around. My dad has suggested the Dakotas. He was only through there once, and I have never been but I feel like I need to go. But why? There isn't even anyone I know out there. Everyone I want to be with is somewhere else.
---
I managed to get my passport into my bag so whatever else happens I can leave and re-enter the country. Need to work on saving to have it renewed in a year or two though. I need to find a way to set aside money but also remember why...
Tomorrow is coffee class in the morning, and work in the afternoon. Wednesday I have to figure out how I'm getting to the train. Don't need to be in the city until 8 though.
Need to figure out if I'm going to design stuff or say fuck it and play with my brush pen and doodle stuff. Sleep... is for the 20 hour train ride.
My mom talks about it in an artist's way style, that I need to fill my creative well. I'm not making time to read, which was always my way of doing that when I was younger. I feel kind of lost and that all of my tools are just out of reach. Maybe because I'm slowly trying new things, but I'm doing it on nearly empty creative energy.
I've been asking people for help lately. Not directly saying "help me" but asking for things when I know that I need another brain, or set of eyes. I feel this strange cord pull though, where I feel like like I shouldn't be bothering others. There is a back and forth among humans that make us a communal society in general, that refutes this feeling. The length of time I've known most of these people should also refute this feeling. But it's like some single note on a string instrument and I can feel it ripple through me, and I get sad. That I'm not really worth anything, and I need to be more sorry that I'm intruding on people's lives.
I wish I had a complex, with my own tiny tiny house and one or two other houses on the property. That people could come stay with me, and follow their own schedule, waking up when they pleased. Come find me when you'd like some foods or coffee. I'll be somewhere, around. My dad has suggested the Dakotas. He was only through there once, and I have never been but I feel like I need to go. But why? There isn't even anyone I know out there. Everyone I want to be with is somewhere else.
---
I managed to get my passport into my bag so whatever else happens I can leave and re-enter the country. Need to work on saving to have it renewed in a year or two though. I need to find a way to set aside money but also remember why...
Tomorrow is coffee class in the morning, and work in the afternoon. Wednesday I have to figure out how I'm getting to the train. Don't need to be in the city until 8 though.
Need to figure out if I'm going to design stuff or say fuck it and play with my brush pen and doodle stuff. Sleep... is for the 20 hour train ride.
