food things, boy things that aren't things and how I fail at being human...again.

[demakat]

My hips hurt, my throat hurts, my BUTT hurts from sitting. Yesterday I ate a gamble chocolate, which most certainly had milk stuff in it. But I also at a ton of cookies made with this spelt flour I got.
From what I know spelt flour is suppose to be like a more true wheaty grain or something. There seems to be a gentle correlation between me eating something made with the spelt flour and having a sore throat the next day(s). Which means there is likely a correlation between feeling better and not eating anything with flour.
I do not think it was the gamble chocolate, though it could have had palm oil too I guess...
Basically I have to not be useless and cut things out of my diet again to see if it makes life better. That part is always such a struggle.

Some day I feel like they'll figure out that it was some super common chemical that is fucking most people up. Whoops!

---

I'm not feeling really connected with anyone lately. Just watching all the patterns weave themselves. I found a spider at work today, so I used some cardboard to pick it up and put it back in the shadows instead of the pallet that would eventually be moved. I'd been thinking about how little I'd seen of spiders this winter and then there one was. I kind of wanted to cry, somehow that seemed more like a hug than anything else. It sounds so stupid, but everything is okay cause there are spiders still.

I'm afraid to have guys actually like me and want to go out with me. That they will be put off with how much time I need, like a stray cat. Ellen keeps saying how I need to get over my ally cat tendencies. Sometimes they become house cats though, I just need to find the person patient enough.

Even if it happened though I would be sad. I'm not really worth that much time and effort. And I feel like a dog in a shelter. Maybe this person will be gentle. Maybe this person will be nice. That one looks not mean. Hi. Instead I don't actually do anything.

I'm annoyed with feeling sad, but instead of spiraling into angry I just feel more sad and tired.

... I hope this is all just palm oil or something, not any actual depression. I'm a little done with that shit.