christmas recap? yay...
Dec. 30th, 2013 12:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demakatI think I just messed up one of my pandora stations by adding in a song that is in the same style as what I'm going for, but from a different subset of music? Either way pandora is all excited now and trying to send me all these "OMG you might like this too!!!!1" songs that I just don't care for. Life is tuff, I know.
I got mostly money and gift cards for christmas because I didn't know what I wanted. But I'm already thinking of things I'd like for my birthday. It's weird that I can't think of anything before christmas though. Got a new wallet that has sheeps on it, and I'm eventually getting the interstella 5555 movie.
I got gnome doors for people, they haven't come in yet. Ellen finally got her pigeon. It's this life size plastic carrier pigeon that you can mail to people through the US mail system. I got vytas the kerbal space program because he loves things like this, it was declared that I won christmas this year because of the game. I also got trish and vytas 2 pounds of parmigiano reggiano in the hopes that they will use it for amazing things and not horde it like gold. Ellen got her cheese when I bought it and I think it's gone, but my real joy is seeing people use and love the things I got them (which is why the hording nice things bothers me a little). One of the people I work with hasn't even opened her present yet because she isn't done with her's for me, and I have to go out today and figure out what to get the other signmaker for his birthday. He loves his lawn, which is covered in snow right now. But he also doesn't have a radio...so I'll see what I can find. I might go run around a hardware store and see what I can see.
-emo-
I spent most of yesterday being the 5th wheel. My friends are in town and they meet up with their friends and ask me to come with. But of course all of their friends are couples, they are a couple. Then there is me. Logically I know that I shouldn't be disappointed about this and that my holiday would probably have been much more exhausting and thus less good, if I had someone else that also needed to visit their relatives and friends and I was required to come to those events as well. I already skipped out on one of my own family events because I just didn't want to people at all. [I'm tired of being the fifth wheel]
I'm continually being bombarded with not only my own hormones about things, but also everyone else who thinks I'm a cool person and wants to see me be happy in a relationship or whatever. I get things from gentle brain nudges while I'm out with groups of people, to someone literally saying "I want you to be in love" or "You would make such a good mother". I don't even know if I want that. I can't even tell. Its like someone telling you they can't wait until you make a specific fancy dish of food, and inside this analogy I can hardly even figure out how to turn on the stove and I'm usually confused eating an apple. Wut? [Yeah sure I would like to be in a relationship, but wishing it for me doesn't make it better. It just reminds me to think about it when I had previously been coasting along.]
Also I'm having issues with my abilities, skill/job wise. There are so many things that I know I could do, but I don't really care enough to do what I feel is boastful and talk it up. I don't care if it's boasting or not, it feels that way to me and I just can't. But right now in the job market that is what they want. Pretty and hollow words, and only maybe the qualifications to back it up if they've been burned by pretty before. My work ethic and ability to problem solve things that other people seem to panic about is irrelevant compared to someone who promises the world. [I can do things, but I like to 'keep it real' and companies are hiring the loudest squawkers instead]
I feel like...when I do things that I actually want to do, that's it. I just do it. I don't worry or think about anything at all. I don't even acknowledge the clearness of a decision. I don't even know it's something I should have made a choice about, or I should have been scared of until after I've done it and people around me are making words about it with fears and things. But I can't continue to just float around forever. No matter how much I feel comfortable being a ghost. [wish I could make money just on my "whatever" attitude alone]
It's also kind of hard lately to talk with people. I'm not getting objective data back from them when I talk about things. I just get encouragement and assurances that the things I do and can do are amazing. This is false within a larger world view, and while it's something that most people think is great and is an appropriate social response I can't do anything with "but you're so awesome". Thanks, but I still feel internally conflicted and that comment isn't a reflection of what I was saying so I can hear myself better. The short version is my friends and family are being excellent people and I am looking for logical sounding boards and not finding them right now. [You're all very nice, but I still don't know what I should do about anything]
-end emo-
I want a week off to just sit around playing pokemon, knitting, reading and drawing things. I would also accept a lifetime of this in place of having to work when I don't feel like it.
I got mostly money and gift cards for christmas because I didn't know what I wanted. But I'm already thinking of things I'd like for my birthday. It's weird that I can't think of anything before christmas though. Got a new wallet that has sheeps on it, and I'm eventually getting the interstella 5555 movie.
I got gnome doors for people, they haven't come in yet. Ellen finally got her pigeon. It's this life size plastic carrier pigeon that you can mail to people through the US mail system. I got vytas the kerbal space program because he loves things like this, it was declared that I won christmas this year because of the game. I also got trish and vytas 2 pounds of parmigiano reggiano in the hopes that they will use it for amazing things and not horde it like gold. Ellen got her cheese when I bought it and I think it's gone, but my real joy is seeing people use and love the things I got them (which is why the hording nice things bothers me a little). One of the people I work with hasn't even opened her present yet because she isn't done with her's for me, and I have to go out today and figure out what to get the other signmaker for his birthday. He loves his lawn, which is covered in snow right now. But he also doesn't have a radio...so I'll see what I can find. I might go run around a hardware store and see what I can see.
-emo-
I spent most of yesterday being the 5th wheel. My friends are in town and they meet up with their friends and ask me to come with. But of course all of their friends are couples, they are a couple. Then there is me. Logically I know that I shouldn't be disappointed about this and that my holiday would probably have been much more exhausting and thus less good, if I had someone else that also needed to visit their relatives and friends and I was required to come to those events as well. I already skipped out on one of my own family events because I just didn't want to people at all. [I'm tired of being the fifth wheel]
I'm continually being bombarded with not only my own hormones about things, but also everyone else who thinks I'm a cool person and wants to see me be happy in a relationship or whatever. I get things from gentle brain nudges while I'm out with groups of people, to someone literally saying "I want you to be in love" or "You would make such a good mother". I don't even know if I want that. I can't even tell. Its like someone telling you they can't wait until you make a specific fancy dish of food, and inside this analogy I can hardly even figure out how to turn on the stove and I'm usually confused eating an apple. Wut? [Yeah sure I would like to be in a relationship, but wishing it for me doesn't make it better. It just reminds me to think about it when I had previously been coasting along.]
Also I'm having issues with my abilities, skill/job wise. There are so many things that I know I could do, but I don't really care enough to do what I feel is boastful and talk it up. I don't care if it's boasting or not, it feels that way to me and I just can't. But right now in the job market that is what they want. Pretty and hollow words, and only maybe the qualifications to back it up if they've been burned by pretty before. My work ethic and ability to problem solve things that other people seem to panic about is irrelevant compared to someone who promises the world. [I can do things, but I like to 'keep it real' and companies are hiring the loudest squawkers instead]
I feel like...when I do things that I actually want to do, that's it. I just do it. I don't worry or think about anything at all. I don't even acknowledge the clearness of a decision. I don't even know it's something I should have made a choice about, or I should have been scared of until after I've done it and people around me are making words about it with fears and things. But I can't continue to just float around forever. No matter how much I feel comfortable being a ghost. [wish I could make money just on my "whatever" attitude alone]
It's also kind of hard lately to talk with people. I'm not getting objective data back from them when I talk about things. I just get encouragement and assurances that the things I do and can do are amazing. This is false within a larger world view, and while it's something that most people think is great and is an appropriate social response I can't do anything with "but you're so awesome". Thanks, but I still feel internally conflicted and that comment isn't a reflection of what I was saying so I can hear myself better. The short version is my friends and family are being excellent people and I am looking for logical sounding boards and not finding them right now. [You're all very nice, but I still don't know what I should do about anything]
-end emo-
I want a week off to just sit around playing pokemon, knitting, reading and drawing things. I would also accept a lifetime of this in place of having to work when I don't feel like it.
