making words about things
Dec. 21st, 2013 07:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demakatI just sent a picture of a cat in a tophat and a monocle to my printer by email. Cause I guess you can do that now. Monocle is not spelled at all how I pronounce it...
I've spent the last few days trying to feed myself things that won't make me feel sick. My face got all super red yesterday because I was eating cinnamon rolls. It was all homemade and so the only conclusion I can come to is that I am actually, physical symptom, allergic/intolerant of sugar. Table sugar, brown sugar, molasses. It doesn't happen when I have things made with only honey or maple syrup. I suspect most of the things I have issues with is all in the processing part. I can eat fresh coconut without any effects, but if I feed myself macaroons(mild reaction) or coconut oil(super reaction) it's no fun. Plus the best indicator of my allergies personally, my LOVE of whatever it is. Sugar tastes like euphoria, tiny little blips of amazing. Then it makes me feel terrible. Hooray for brain chem and sugar being like a drug for some people. teh sadness.
Next time it's my turn for sunday breakfast I'm making cinnamon rolls though. You will eat my "healthy" shit you useless heathens and you'll like it! Also I'll buy you frosting or whatever.
I made the mistake of reading things on the internet again. I should just walk away and only put up things that I've made or done. Lately all that seems to be is writing here, not very pretty. In what I was reading though the person talks about how she realized that her 13 year old self would have been very disappointed in her and that's when she took the now or never approach to making art/comics/life.
When I was a kid I never had ambitions. I came up with things to tell people when grown ups asked "so what do you want to be when you grow up?" because "I don't know" doesn't make them go away it just makes them try to...help. I do not need help, I'm busy staring at this sidewalk for an hour wondering about concrete, and then I got distracted by an ant. It's very important.
I would make an excellent northern grandmother. My job in life would be to make useful knitwear with a gentle flair of artistry, and be sagelike about really random bits of information YET not know how to work the new fangledy micro-wave. I just want to nuke a marshmallow damn it! grandma...stop yelling at the appliances.
But I would get bored with that as well. I just feel weird. That I've never felt driven to have a career or a job or really ever do anything. I just want to learn about stuff. I want people to show me things. To tell me stuff. I want to have conversations. I don't know how to make any of this make money for me. I can think of tons of ways to just cram that need into a job, but I just don't care enough.
Maybe the generalized apathy comes from the internet. I have all the things to see, watch and read I could ever want. But I felt this way when I was young too, before the internet was a thing people had in their houses. When we would sit with the dictionary looking for inappropriate words and get distracted by reading other things. Oops I learned.
Probably all of this is me feeling tired. I'm tired of dealing with all the feels of other people. I can't just roll around and read books, make things and watch movies on repeat. I have to do all this boggy stuff and I feel really alone sometimes. That maybe this day even though it seems like I have all my shit together, I will spend the hour long drive home crying in traffic. Or that I want to hug someone just because they exist. My brain wanders so far, and most often I just want someone to be there to bring me back.
Interestingly all that wordsy things made me decide who to give this nice thing I knitted to.
This year has been very strange. I have gotten so many hugs. Which always reminds me of Louis. Geez that would never work, but those hugs, I've not had better yet.
I've spent the last few days trying to feed myself things that won't make me feel sick. My face got all super red yesterday because I was eating cinnamon rolls. It was all homemade and so the only conclusion I can come to is that I am actually, physical symptom, allergic/intolerant of sugar. Table sugar, brown sugar, molasses. It doesn't happen when I have things made with only honey or maple syrup. I suspect most of the things I have issues with is all in the processing part. I can eat fresh coconut without any effects, but if I feed myself macaroons(mild reaction) or coconut oil(super reaction) it's no fun. Plus the best indicator of my allergies personally, my LOVE of whatever it is. Sugar tastes like euphoria, tiny little blips of amazing. Then it makes me feel terrible. Hooray for brain chem and sugar being like a drug for some people. teh sadness.
Next time it's my turn for sunday breakfast I'm making cinnamon rolls though. You will eat my "healthy" shit you useless heathens and you'll like it! Also I'll buy you frosting or whatever.
I made the mistake of reading things on the internet again. I should just walk away and only put up things that I've made or done. Lately all that seems to be is writing here, not very pretty. In what I was reading though the person talks about how she realized that her 13 year old self would have been very disappointed in her and that's when she took the now or never approach to making art/comics/life.
When I was a kid I never had ambitions. I came up with things to tell people when grown ups asked "so what do you want to be when you grow up?" because "I don't know" doesn't make them go away it just makes them try to...help. I do not need help, I'm busy staring at this sidewalk for an hour wondering about concrete, and then I got distracted by an ant. It's very important.
I would make an excellent northern grandmother. My job in life would be to make useful knitwear with a gentle flair of artistry, and be sagelike about really random bits of information YET not know how to work the new fangledy micro-wave. I just want to nuke a marshmallow damn it! grandma...stop yelling at the appliances.
But I would get bored with that as well. I just feel weird. That I've never felt driven to have a career or a job or really ever do anything. I just want to learn about stuff. I want people to show me things. To tell me stuff. I want to have conversations. I don't know how to make any of this make money for me. I can think of tons of ways to just cram that need into a job, but I just don't care enough.
Maybe the generalized apathy comes from the internet. I have all the things to see, watch and read I could ever want. But I felt this way when I was young too, before the internet was a thing people had in their houses. When we would sit with the dictionary looking for inappropriate words and get distracted by reading other things. Oops I learned.
Probably all of this is me feeling tired. I'm tired of dealing with all the feels of other people. I can't just roll around and read books, make things and watch movies on repeat. I have to do all this boggy stuff and I feel really alone sometimes. That maybe this day even though it seems like I have all my shit together, I will spend the hour long drive home crying in traffic. Or that I want to hug someone just because they exist. My brain wanders so far, and most often I just want someone to be there to bring me back.
Interestingly all that wordsy things made me decide who to give this nice thing I knitted to.
This year has been very strange. I have gotten so many hugs. Which always reminds me of Louis. Geez that would never work, but those hugs, I've not had better yet.
