(no subject)
Nov. 10th, 2013 07:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demakatIt also seems I post here when I'm not being patient. The waiting. I can do nothing but busy myself, right now, today.
As I walk around the room there are so many things I don't need. It's a little bit like living in someone else's room sometimes. I just look for the things I need at any given time and then leave all the rest of the things there. It's disappointing that I feel I need a vacation to revive myself from working, then extra time off to clean and then yet more time to get use to routines that will keep my life free of crap.
I am also having a distinct case of having everyone want to do things with me, but I don't want their attention. I want the attention of people who don't really need me. There are people I want to talk to because of the their unique brand of mental adjustment. Everyone else telling me 'yeah that happens' makes me want to punch them. But it's the same message from everyone. I don't know if it's how they say it or the past giving it more weight and usefulness.
Plus I'm kind of jealous. I am jealous that some people I know can connect with everyone around them. I'm jealous that people seem passionate about things, things that can sometimes be channeled into a job. I'm jealous of people being in relationships and having others who want to be with them, and are waiting around just in case. I'm jealous that I'm not desirable like that even though I know it would upset me to be so. I'm jealous of people who got their way paid through college and aren't massively in debt right now, and by comparison I'm not in nearly as much debt as is common.
I don't know how to get where I want to be. It's this puzzle that is nearly overwhelmingly large and I am trying to throw my problem solving at it, but it's just so out of league. I have so much to learn but I just want to cry about it instead. Completely useless.
If whatever is giving me hives lately is soy I am going to be so annoyed. Something is. There is no real way of knowing unless I make my own food from scratch for a month or more.
aaand now it seems that a subspecies of rhino has been declared extinct.
As I walk around the room there are so many things I don't need. It's a little bit like living in someone else's room sometimes. I just look for the things I need at any given time and then leave all the rest of the things there. It's disappointing that I feel I need a vacation to revive myself from working, then extra time off to clean and then yet more time to get use to routines that will keep my life free of crap.
I am also having a distinct case of having everyone want to do things with me, but I don't want their attention. I want the attention of people who don't really need me. There are people I want to talk to because of the their unique brand of mental adjustment. Everyone else telling me 'yeah that happens' makes me want to punch them. But it's the same message from everyone. I don't know if it's how they say it or the past giving it more weight and usefulness.
Plus I'm kind of jealous. I am jealous that some people I know can connect with everyone around them. I'm jealous that people seem passionate about things, things that can sometimes be channeled into a job. I'm jealous of people being in relationships and having others who want to be with them, and are waiting around just in case. I'm jealous that I'm not desirable like that even though I know it would upset me to be so. I'm jealous of people who got their way paid through college and aren't massively in debt right now, and by comparison I'm not in nearly as much debt as is common.
I don't know how to get where I want to be. It's this puzzle that is nearly overwhelmingly large and I am trying to throw my problem solving at it, but it's just so out of league. I have so much to learn but I just want to cry about it instead. Completely useless.
If whatever is giving me hives lately is soy I am going to be so annoyed. Something is. There is no real way of knowing unless I make my own food from scratch for a month or more.
aaand now it seems that a subspecies of rhino has been declared extinct.
no subject
Date: 2013-11-11 03:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-11-12 01:35 am (UTC)In all likelihood it's cane sugar. I wasn't eating much of it for a long time and now I've been getting lax about making my own stuff with honey and maple syrup, and thus eating more than I use to. I have a few things to try before I attempt eliminating soy. If only the hives would spell out what it was they were caused by...