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demakatI'm getting down to a tiny ball of yarn for my current project and I'm not really sure how I'm going to attach the new bit yet because it's cotton and sort of lacework so it will show. I'm sure the internet has my answers I just haven't looked it up yet.
My room was getting unbearable but then I realized that 1/5 to 1/4 of it is simply things that were in piles to be removed. Three bags or recycling, a bag of trash, 6 bags of donation stuff. All out. It just means it's time to start the piles anew.
TMI: all the lady people around me are starting their periods and I am not. My body tried gently, but no. I am too far off from everyone else. It does kind of explain why I've felt crazy lately.
It's less crazy and more lonely, but in a scary way. I can't crave a relationship without that bit of fear from high school and college, where I just came home and cried most of the time. I don't want to go back to that, but any time I cry over someone the fear is there. I know now it was probably the allergies and my immature brain chemistry, still there is fear.
I'm just so disappointed. I want to try being in a relationship with someone, and I feel like that won't happen until I'm old. Not super old, but older than people generally hope for. Though I am already over old for most people, seeing as how I've never had a long term relationship.
Sometimes I think it's because I'm scary in some way. I don't understand this, unless you put it in a hierarchy theory among people and I find I'd a rather dominant female. But most people don't generally find this useful and the theory has it's pitfalls. It is probably because I dislike making a fool of myself and my entire life spent decoding humans in an effort to understand why they do things. I need to know how to mimic them enough to not be the giant weirdo that I feel like. I don't think people understand how useless I think so many things are, but the fear of the imagined feeling of being a complete social outcast keeps me from dropping the useless parts.
I want to lay my head on people's shoulders when I'm tired. I have wanted it so badly sometimes it hurts...but I can't see where the break is that makes it an awkward gesture vs an intimate-friend gesture. The most important part is that I'm not willing to take the risk to find out, which is likely why I still don't know.
I had a conversation with a friend about cuddling and that there was only one male* I would feel comfortable doing so with. It was not the one she would have guessed. I think very few people would guess or even know. It is more cryptic and less mysterious than it sounds. But it did make me wonder why I would cuddle some guys and not others.
I thought that everything had to do with me feeling safe. Males in general make me feel safe once I trust them. I've talked with other women about it and even though we want to be independent and all that, and often are, there are still a good many times when having a male we trust with us makes us feel infinitely more safe. I use to also think that it was a trust thing, that if someone could just earn my trust I could easily love them. This is likely true just from my nature. IF I find you worthy, then I do generally come to love you. It is different than being 'in love' though.
It seems now that what I am really always looking for is acceptance. It is the thing that, when it happens, scares the living shit out me. Not only does someone notice me, like me, deal with my weirdness THEN they just take it all in stride.
sassy people will tell me to get a dog. they will also be exasperated that I'm coming to the same conclusion again. dogs are about devotion, there is a difference. it is all love though, I'll give you that.
*when I talk to people I find they tune differently when you use words like male and female instead of guys/boys, ladies/women/girls. Assume that if I'm relaying a conversation that I did not use "scientific" terms, but appropriate conversational terms.
My room was getting unbearable but then I realized that 1/5 to 1/4 of it is simply things that were in piles to be removed. Three bags or recycling, a bag of trash, 6 bags of donation stuff. All out. It just means it's time to start the piles anew.
TMI: all the lady people around me are starting their periods and I am not. My body tried gently, but no. I am too far off from everyone else. It does kind of explain why I've felt crazy lately.
It's less crazy and more lonely, but in a scary way. I can't crave a relationship without that bit of fear from high school and college, where I just came home and cried most of the time. I don't want to go back to that, but any time I cry over someone the fear is there. I know now it was probably the allergies and my immature brain chemistry, still there is fear.
I'm just so disappointed. I want to try being in a relationship with someone, and I feel like that won't happen until I'm old. Not super old, but older than people generally hope for. Though I am already over old for most people, seeing as how I've never had a long term relationship.
Sometimes I think it's because I'm scary in some way. I don't understand this, unless you put it in a hierarchy theory among people and I find I'd a rather dominant female. But most people don't generally find this useful and the theory has it's pitfalls. It is probably because I dislike making a fool of myself and my entire life spent decoding humans in an effort to understand why they do things. I need to know how to mimic them enough to not be the giant weirdo that I feel like. I don't think people understand how useless I think so many things are, but the fear of the imagined feeling of being a complete social outcast keeps me from dropping the useless parts.
I want to lay my head on people's shoulders when I'm tired. I have wanted it so badly sometimes it hurts...but I can't see where the break is that makes it an awkward gesture vs an intimate-friend gesture. The most important part is that I'm not willing to take the risk to find out, which is likely why I still don't know.
I had a conversation with a friend about cuddling and that there was only one male* I would feel comfortable doing so with. It was not the one she would have guessed. I think very few people would guess or even know. It is more cryptic and less mysterious than it sounds. But it did make me wonder why I would cuddle some guys and not others.
I thought that everything had to do with me feeling safe. Males in general make me feel safe once I trust them. I've talked with other women about it and even though we want to be independent and all that, and often are, there are still a good many times when having a male we trust with us makes us feel infinitely more safe. I use to also think that it was a trust thing, that if someone could just earn my trust I could easily love them. This is likely true just from my nature. IF I find you worthy, then I do generally come to love you. It is different than being 'in love' though.
It seems now that what I am really always looking for is acceptance. It is the thing that, when it happens, scares the living shit out me. Not only does someone notice me, like me, deal with my weirdness THEN they just take it all in stride.
sassy people will tell me to get a dog. they will also be exasperated that I'm coming to the same conclusion again. dogs are about devotion, there is a difference. it is all love though, I'll give you that.
*when I talk to people I find they tune differently when you use words like male and female instead of guys/boys, ladies/women/girls. Assume that if I'm relaying a conversation that I did not use "scientific" terms, but appropriate conversational terms.
