mostly about apartment stuff.

[demakat]

Sometimes I think I'm wrong. But then I'll text him, or see him and it doesn't seem wrong. It hurts, because I'm afraid it will all suddenly go away, or go wrong. I'm scared because I haven't had any idea what I'm doing for a while now, and it's not getting easier. It's just getting different.

That might actually be all of it. It feels good and I'm afraid it will all suddenly go away. Not turn bad, just be a void.
It feels too good.
I can't do anything though, I have to just let whatever happens, happen. Which is annoying because I'm impatient.


I washed up and dressed nice today. Did some laundry and sat at the computer a whole lot. I like this new shirt I got, it feels comfortable. I don't feel super gross even though my arms are mostly exposed. I'm planning on wearing the other semi-nice shirt I own tomorrow. See work I can look cute like a normal lady in my age range. I just choose to wear t-shirts and jeans because dressing above that throws me into a spiral pit of self loathing fairly often.

Tomorrow is also the first time out on looking for apartments. Some friend's are concerned about things like expenses and stuff, and warning me not to just buy all new stuff even though I think I might need it. I'm not insulted really. I just don't see where they would get their logic from. Shelter (rent), food, basic clothes needs, THEN anything else. Plus I have enough furniture for at least two rooms, and most of the basic kitchen items. I know I can get a super cheap and ugly couch, but that I also can wait until I have the money to get something closer to what I want. Couches are nice but it's nothing some pillows or blankets I already have can't do for a while.

Maybe it was how I grew up and the time that my parents were at in life. You didn't buy much new stuff because there wasn't a lot of money, and you tried to plan ahead as much as possible to buy used things. Garage sale winter wear and etc.

I don't know if everyone was just super excited to move out and they just went all crazy town with "needing" things, but I don't really feel like I'm going to need much. Aside from an actual kitchenette in my room now, I mostly run everything like a small apartment as it is. I think I am missing glasses, and I am okay drinking out of mugs (which I have a lot of) for a long time until I find a cheap source. They will be miss matched, but whatever.

It seems though that I will likely have to prepare my roommate for winter in chicago. It's no minnesota but it's not some coastal pansy winter either. I have extra hats and things for that, and I'm going to start gently looking for a coat. One for me as well, mine has seen better days.

Everyone says I'll be fine, but I feel like I don't have as wonderful a handle on my financials as I should. It's only been a month of practice though, so reasonably I'm doing better. Mostly I have to just not buy anything from work. Maybe I'll make a cash rule and if I'm out then I just sing can't-afford-it till I give myself more cash. I don't know, but I'll think of something. The drawbacks of working at a grocery store.

Even with taxes taken out I still stand to make 200 more a month if I get this new job. I need this new job. I haven't heard anything about it though...Guess I should ask.

super hungry but I don't want to go feed myself. Probably just going to go to bed.