(no subject)

[demakat]

I did something to my shoulder in inventory or something. Things are sore and then sometimes there is a twinge in the middle. I feel like I need one of those crushing hugs that makes everything in your back pop.

Not that I would know much about that lately. I need a world where my house can be filled with blankets and pillows and I don't have to feed myself. My significant other would always be at home when ever I came home so I could have after work cuddles. My job would be playing with kittens, taking happy dogs on walks and being affectionately harassed by birds. I only work three days a week and the rest of the time I lay around and make things or read books.
I would still get sad sometimes but all of the things would be in place to help me through it. Maybe I would schedule ask for shoulder massages or something.

I'm still really angry that I have a hard time being friends with guys without my brain going all squishy. I'm so tired of having feelings for people who don't even seem to care. I don't have circles of friends, I have friends who are family. I don't want to come hang out with you because I'm being irrational, *thinking the only reason I was invited was because I was part of that circle AND thinking that I wanted to go because maybe you actually wanted to see me (and not just because you think I'm weird/nifty)*

things like the stuff between the * * marks are what make me upset at myself. It feels to me like all the things I don't like in other women, accept they let it out and I try to never have it happen. When ever I act on anything with those kinds of thoughts I'm wrong and I end up feeling embarrassed. Embarrassed that I ever even cared because now I feel shame and hurt all in one go.

There are a few reason's I'd like a dedicated significant other, but one of the main ones is having a person who I feel accepted by enough to ask for things like hugs or cuddles. Sometimes I just feel horrible and I want to curl up with another person. Sometimes my hair is particularly clean and soft feeling and I want someone who actually plays in it to notice that. I don't even know if I care that they say it out loud, so maybe I just want someone who would like to play in my hair. It's not all straight and silky like commercials say everyone wants, but I like it.

I guess I want to know someone actually wants me. This makes me feel stupid too, like I want to be the ugly rescue puppy that saves everyone from dying later. So glad we picked the fugly one right kids!

I feel stupid for having emotions. My mom said I can't be in control all the time. I know that's really what this boils down to, that if I make no wrong social steps I will not feel shame or do anything to make others upset with me. So even that is wrong!


anyhow I made what is essentially a peanut butter shake with cocoa, cherries and some iceberg lettuce. The lettuce was probably not the best move, usually I use spinach and love it. Iceberg is kind of super gross unless it's combined with mayo in a select window of ratios and sandwiches.

then the duck sauce song comes on pandora and I feel better...and complaining, that made it better too.
I want to go to bed but I should wait so I don't wake up at 5 and then go back to bed just long enough to get sleep hangover.