and then there was a birthday party
Jun. 26th, 2013 08:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demakatSo I went to louis' birthday party last night with ellen. It wasn't bad, and the people were nice. I knew one other person from before, but not really well. That guy was also fairly drunk by the time we got there.
Most of my problem is afterwards though, like usual. I don't know if I'm having a backlash from so many people or what. Ellen was purposely antagonizing people, mainly louis. She had a bigger issue with one of his female friends than I did, but the girl still kind of... I don't know. It was weird.
I apparently don't care about any of that though. When we were leaving louis hugged me goodbye, after a very small standoff where I said he didn't have to hug me. But then we did anyhow and I don't think I can anymore. It fucks me up something horrible. I don't know if it's specifically him or if my body is just really enjoying human contact. My brain ruins it all over the place though. It's like the stupid voice comes roaring back, like touch is the key to awfulness. That I had better remember that feeling because it's not for me. I don't get that. No one wants to actually touch me, hug me, anything. I don't care how much I say that it's not true, there is just horrible things loose in my brain now.
It's probably compounded by the fact that I'm pretty sure louis isn't really into me at all. I keep bothering him because via text it is quite fun. In person I am my physical self again, like I'm trapped in my mind because I can't see the words people are saying. I have to listen harder because I can't hear right. This has always been a problem, I have always had to focus harder on listening because my brain has to translate it into something I can use. With text or the internet I can see what people have said.
I keep getting waves of the hug feeling and it makes me want to cry. It feels like someone dying every time it hits me.
I don't even know what would happen if someone hugged me and didn't let go. I would probably just cry for like....hours.
I hate having fucking feelings. why can't I just contain this bullshit and just be friends with cool people. It's like it is painful to have human contact but my brain is craving it, but then all it's lovely chemistry goes insane. I feel insane.
But I also feel stressed out from work and my shoulders hurt.
I want to go drawl into a cave for a while and just mope along with the part of my brain that keeps telling me I don't deserve other people.
And I can't even talk about it with him because any time I go anywhere near that shit even jokingly I get ignored. It seems quite clear that I am for friendly social amusement only. But why be so surprised and happy to see we came to your birthday. why thank me. why feel bad when you can't come to the beach with us on mondays. That makes no sense to me.
I could handle this all so much better if he were not a nice person. I can handle mean people, it's easy because they are mean, pay them no mind. But instead it's this terrible dance, and I am tired and feel sad and I want more stupid hugs. Yet I'm always being silly and sassy, so of course I can't be sad.
maybe that was all the terrible and I can go to sleep now or something. I have so many more things I wanted to be doing today but I have to be up at 5 again tomorrow so sleeping is probably the best idea.
Most of my problem is afterwards though, like usual. I don't know if I'm having a backlash from so many people or what. Ellen was purposely antagonizing people, mainly louis. She had a bigger issue with one of his female friends than I did, but the girl still kind of... I don't know. It was weird.
I apparently don't care about any of that though. When we were leaving louis hugged me goodbye, after a very small standoff where I said he didn't have to hug me. But then we did anyhow and I don't think I can anymore. It fucks me up something horrible. I don't know if it's specifically him or if my body is just really enjoying human contact. My brain ruins it all over the place though. It's like the stupid voice comes roaring back, like touch is the key to awfulness. That I had better remember that feeling because it's not for me. I don't get that. No one wants to actually touch me, hug me, anything. I don't care how much I say that it's not true, there is just horrible things loose in my brain now.
It's probably compounded by the fact that I'm pretty sure louis isn't really into me at all. I keep bothering him because via text it is quite fun. In person I am my physical self again, like I'm trapped in my mind because I can't see the words people are saying. I have to listen harder because I can't hear right. This has always been a problem, I have always had to focus harder on listening because my brain has to translate it into something I can use. With text or the internet I can see what people have said.
I keep getting waves of the hug feeling and it makes me want to cry. It feels like someone dying every time it hits me.
I don't even know what would happen if someone hugged me and didn't let go. I would probably just cry for like....hours.
I hate having fucking feelings. why can't I just contain this bullshit and just be friends with cool people. It's like it is painful to have human contact but my brain is craving it, but then all it's lovely chemistry goes insane. I feel insane.
But I also feel stressed out from work and my shoulders hurt.
I want to go drawl into a cave for a while and just mope along with the part of my brain that keeps telling me I don't deserve other people.
And I can't even talk about it with him because any time I go anywhere near that shit even jokingly I get ignored. It seems quite clear that I am for friendly social amusement only. But why be so surprised and happy to see we came to your birthday. why thank me. why feel bad when you can't come to the beach with us on mondays. That makes no sense to me.
I could handle this all so much better if he were not a nice person. I can handle mean people, it's easy because they are mean, pay them no mind. But instead it's this terrible dance, and I am tired and feel sad and I want more stupid hugs. Yet I'm always being silly and sassy, so of course I can't be sad.
maybe that was all the terrible and I can go to sleep now or something. I have so many more things I wanted to be doing today but I have to be up at 5 again tomorrow so sleeping is probably the best idea.
