mope/anger?

[demakat]

Holy hellcats.
I've been going to bed early lately because I've been feeling like shit emotionally.

I'm tired with my brain picking out one guy from work and then obsessing over him for a while. I feel insane and I feel like it's obvious to others. This time it feels extra weird because this guy's behavior has changed toward me a few times, from not caring to showing up a whole lot and seemingly being happy to see me and then gradually back to not caring. Like a projectile graph, up and then gradually down over a longer distance.

I mostly just want him to go back to the part where he would smile when I saw him. I'm angry that I want this because I feel stupid and insane. Everyone tells me that I'm not, but it feels insane to me. It's not how my brain use to operate. It doesn't follow logic and I can't even trust the gut feelings I have about this because it's probably tainted with my personal wants. So maybe based on his actions he does/did like me, or maybe it's just something random that is just correlation. My observation fails and my options are confrontation or waiting for probably nothing. I don't even know who he is as a person because we don't really have much chance or reason to interact AND I suck at it so I never know what to say other than stupid things.

I use to enjoy days when he was there because I might pass him in the back hall and I would get a smile. It would be like the flash from a camera and the after image would stay with me for the rest of the day. That's all I want back, and now it seems like I'll never get it again.

I wish that I didn't care, because this feelings thing hurts. Caring always makes me feel broken.

Then many people over the last few weeks have told me basically that I'm awesome and they really like me, or that I'm family to them. I don't notice that I'm important to people. My brain always exists in space orbiting the planet like someone standing on the catwalk above a theater performance. It's also a little like being a ghost and just assuming people can't see you, but then a few can. Confusing and I want to deny that it's happening, but who am I to tell others that how they feel is wrong? How these people feel doesn't align with my personal image at all.

I'll probably wear something I like tomorrow and my hair ideally won't look like crap. It'll probably be his day off and I'll feel extra silly and probably cry in the car on the way home. I don't care how normal this might be for anyone, I feel like a crazy person.

general odd complaint. I really dislike the temperature between 40 and 60 degrees. I always feel super cold, even if I'm wearing the same stuff I feel comfortable in at 30 degrees.