whoo guess who feels lonely....
Feb. 11th, 2012 10:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demakatWell good news first, the tickets to florida only cost 185 dollars round trip, so I got 45 dollars all to myself. Which I promptly spent on sushi, cake and a coffee. It was delicious, though I was sadly not as in the mood for sushi as I thought.
I was hanging out with a friend for the day and one of her husband's friends was over too. This is where it gets complicated for me. I generally discredit myself when it comes to feelings about people. I'm not really talking about the Ooo I fancy you, sort of things either. Some people just give off this "broken" vibe, or a "lonely" vibe where I really really want to just go cuddle them to make it even a little bit better. It feels like some people just carry it with them, like a person a few months after losing a close loved one. They are still functioning, but much of it is just a glaze over a sense of loss. I discredit myself because I'm not good at asking leading questions, and I don't want to pry in people's lives unless they want to tell me about it.
So I feel about this guy something that does make me want to cuddle with him. But I nearly immediately want to run away and never associate with him again because not only is drinking one of his main hobbies but a minor one is smoking pot. Which no one seems to mind at all. And all my brain does most of the time I'm around him and her husband is chant "no no no" and I feel like a hissing cat backed into a corner. Badness. That isn't a vibe I'm getting off of him, I'm well aware that this reaction is all based on my own life and how I've chosen to respond to those events.
But I ended up crying on the drive home because I realized that hardly anyone is ever going to really get it. Or hardly anyone I know currently. They all drink and I want to say half or more of them have at least tried drugs of some sort.
I haven't done any of that stuff. I just don't approve.
I don't want to be alone forever. I want to be standing on a cliff to see the whole world and the whole sky with all the stars and have someone there with me for support, and as an anchor. I want someone to be devoted to who is real and has flaws. My heros are actual people with problems and things that are wrong. I don't want perfect but I do want someone to take care of me and to take care of in return.
Which is the other reason I can't trust when I feel things from other people. It might just be a reflection of myself. It might not be, it's been correct before.
I don't value the time it takes me to trust someone. I don't want to make anyone wait because of my own insecurities.
and of course this is likely come about because of winter, hormones and valentines day.
I was hanging out with a friend for the day and one of her husband's friends was over too. This is where it gets complicated for me. I generally discredit myself when it comes to feelings about people. I'm not really talking about the Ooo I fancy you, sort of things either. Some people just give off this "broken" vibe, or a "lonely" vibe where I really really want to just go cuddle them to make it even a little bit better. It feels like some people just carry it with them, like a person a few months after losing a close loved one. They are still functioning, but much of it is just a glaze over a sense of loss. I discredit myself because I'm not good at asking leading questions, and I don't want to pry in people's lives unless they want to tell me about it.
So I feel about this guy something that does make me want to cuddle with him. But I nearly immediately want to run away and never associate with him again because not only is drinking one of his main hobbies but a minor one is smoking pot. Which no one seems to mind at all. And all my brain does most of the time I'm around him and her husband is chant "no no no" and I feel like a hissing cat backed into a corner. Badness. That isn't a vibe I'm getting off of him, I'm well aware that this reaction is all based on my own life and how I've chosen to respond to those events.
But I ended up crying on the drive home because I realized that hardly anyone is ever going to really get it. Or hardly anyone I know currently. They all drink and I want to say half or more of them have at least tried drugs of some sort.
I haven't done any of that stuff. I just don't approve.
I don't want to be alone forever. I want to be standing on a cliff to see the whole world and the whole sky with all the stars and have someone there with me for support, and as an anchor. I want someone to be devoted to who is real and has flaws. My heros are actual people with problems and things that are wrong. I don't want perfect but I do want someone to take care of me and to take care of in return.
Which is the other reason I can't trust when I feel things from other people. It might just be a reflection of myself. It might not be, it's been correct before.
I don't value the time it takes me to trust someone. I don't want to make anyone wait because of my own insecurities.
and of course this is likely come about because of winter, hormones and valentines day.
