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demakatMy friend had her son on Tuesday night at 11:30 and I didn't get back to her house until 3am. I slept on the couch with the dogs, and got kicked in the face. Pretty sure I kicked on of them too. Then I got up for work at 6:30 and did it all again Wednesday night, but this time with a 5 hour nap instead of a 2-3 hour one. Got sleep Thursday after work in my own bed and then went back up north to my friend's house at around lunch on friday.
I left lemon bread at work for people, but it's still there so I guess most people aren't fond of it. If it's still hardly touched tomorrow I'll just take it back with me. No sense wasting it.
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I got hit with a giant wave of just sadness or something. I was going to be all word dramatic and go with self loathing, but I don't hate myself. I just don't understand why other people like me. I had a coworker tell me after hearing that I was at the birth, I must be very important to my friend. I relayed the story and got a "yeah" back. Then Friday when I was trying to be sure if she really wanted me over she texted me that I had made the house run swimmingly. So while I appreciate being useful and being important my brain seems to be in complete backlash mode. I'm having a hard time thinking of anything other than how no one at work likes me, which I know is a bunch of crap.
I also feel overwhelmed by the projects and the bullshit at work too. I didn't know I was going to be doing extra work because other people are on vacation. Now I have to fix things because people are being ditzy or not really understanding, or something. I do not want to fix anyone's things anymore. Finally its getting nice out, and I want to run away from all of this crap where I can't say what I really think because 'that's just not how you do that'. I don't want to lie and say that this job is what I love doing most of all. It's just a job that isn't shitty, I generally don't dislike, and happens to need skills I have in order to operate. I know I don't get jobs because I don't go in there guns blazing and holding a personal parade about how awesome I am. Why not?
I am so mad I can't fix #3. I feel so super broken. I can't find an in to the castle and so I'm left sitting just inside the mote making futile scrapey motions at the wall.
this post is probably brought to you buy, not feeding myself well, chocolate cause it has the sugar and not enough water AT ALL because I left my water bottle at home and my brain can't remember to buy water even though I work at a grocery store!
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I do not understand babies. I care about this little...thing. I care about the fact that he opened his eyes and is looking around (at nothing cause focusing is still to advanced, one step at a time there buddy!), I care when he is upset even though there is nothing I personally can do for him (usually its cause he is hungry). I am emotionally involved in this little grublet's life. Yet I don't overwhelmingly care, it's not like gushing with baby love or concern like I've seen other people do. Its just ...another thing.
His name is Logan. I've been deemed an aunt figure. This is going to be interesting at the least.
I left lemon bread at work for people, but it's still there so I guess most people aren't fond of it. If it's still hardly touched tomorrow I'll just take it back with me. No sense wasting it.
---
I got hit with a giant wave of just sadness or something. I was going to be all word dramatic and go with self loathing, but I don't hate myself. I just don't understand why other people like me. I had a coworker tell me after hearing that I was at the birth, I must be very important to my friend. I relayed the story and got a "yeah" back. Then Friday when I was trying to be sure if she really wanted me over she texted me that I had made the house run swimmingly. So while I appreciate being useful and being important my brain seems to be in complete backlash mode. I'm having a hard time thinking of anything other than how no one at work likes me, which I know is a bunch of crap.
I also feel overwhelmed by the projects and the bullshit at work too. I didn't know I was going to be doing extra work because other people are on vacation. Now I have to fix things because people are being ditzy or not really understanding, or something. I do not want to fix anyone's things anymore. Finally its getting nice out, and I want to run away from all of this crap where I can't say what I really think because 'that's just not how you do that'. I don't want to lie and say that this job is what I love doing most of all. It's just a job that isn't shitty, I generally don't dislike, and happens to need skills I have in order to operate. I know I don't get jobs because I don't go in there guns blazing and holding a personal parade about how awesome I am. Why not?
- well a few reasons:
- I am NOT the best person for the job, but for the pay you can't even begin to think about getting someone better than me. They would laugh at you, really I should laugh at you, but I have no where else to go right now. SO I'm not going to run in saying I am the best, this is a lie. I see no reason to lie in this situation. why? brings us to reason...
- At least one of the people who was hired instead of me, has been fired. The other people seem to be having a hard time in the retail environment. Sorry honey bunches of sunshine, but you can't stroll in with your latte at 10am in flip flops. This is grocery store THE PAGENT! and your job is to be the prop master, and remain calm while people accidentally flush your props down the toilet or drop them inbetween the freezers never to be seen again. The regional people are picking people in a poor manner. I would so go to another region if only I had the money to do so.
- I don't feel like I deserve nice things. I don't think I'm worth it at all. To help me with this particular brain malfunction I have tried, ignoring it (just builds up until I flip out), talking myself out of it (same results as ignoring it) and trying to get myself to just accept that I'm broken and I'll be alone forever while the rest of everyone I knows goes off to have these peachy little lives (usually I just bawl immediately and my brain spends time worrying I'll sink into depression)
I am so mad I can't fix #3. I feel so super broken. I can't find an in to the castle and so I'm left sitting just inside the mote making futile scrapey motions at the wall.
this post is probably brought to you buy, not feeding myself well, chocolate cause it has the sugar and not enough water AT ALL because I left my water bottle at home and my brain can't remember to buy water even though I work at a grocery store!
---
I do not understand babies. I care about this little...thing. I care about the fact that he opened his eyes and is looking around (at nothing cause focusing is still to advanced, one step at a time there buddy!), I care when he is upset even though there is nothing I personally can do for him (usually its cause he is hungry). I am emotionally involved in this little grublet's life. Yet I don't overwhelmingly care, it's not like gushing with baby love or concern like I've seen other people do. Its just ...another thing.
His name is Logan. I've been deemed an aunt figure. This is going to be interesting at the least.
