venting, emoing, whatever-ing

[demakat]

rihanna's Stay has been on the radio lately. I really really did not like the diamonds song she does, but I like this one. It's probably because in the one on the radio there is a bass drop? that doesn't seem to be in the ones online. It sounds like something massive powering down.

I drove home feeling really disconnected from work. I was kind of angry about one of people I have to work with not really getting how we do things. Maybe it bothers me because I would put a lot of effort into learning how things were done and then changing them, instead of just setting up only how I do things and just making everyone else go along with it. But she doesn't know she is doing that...so... I need to just let it go and work my work.

Right now there is a work party happening and I'm not there. I have to be back to open tomorrow and I live 45+ min from work and the area where the party is being held. I don't much like parties, and if I have to go or if I feel like I should I prefer to have an anchor person I can hover around if I feel weird or lost. But no one seemed to be going or no one was talking about it. They didn't talk about it to me anyhow.

I feel like everything would have been better if I had simply been able to go to my own place and sit in the shower right away. Instead I had both parents telling me how I'm home early! (no I'm not) they thought I would be much later because I left late (no it says on the fridge that I get off at 5:30) and oh thats bad they didn't know and my brother just went for food so sorry blah de blah. I had to go through that conversation twice, once with each parent and then when one of my sister's got home I had to go explain to my dad that I could feed myself thanks and no I didn't want to go get anything. I don't want to do things on their schedule anymore.

Then I found my bread on the counter, because everything fell off the door in the fridge. The fridge is just packed full of all kinds of shit. Low fat whatever so all the women accept for me can do their weight watchers points thing and how much weight they're losing. Well yippty freakin do. I keep hovering between 250 and 245, which is better than previously 260-250 but it's slow going. I keep getting hives from something but I don't know what it is. I get them most often when I'm showering, as thought it's the hot water. It could be the chlorine or other things in the water, but I have no idea.

I just want them all to stop saying "Ooo that looks good, how many points is it?" like I would know. I don't do that shit. I eat good foods and I try hard to get veggies in as often as possible. I don't eat things with HFCS, refined sugar, milk or palm oil and I try in general to stay away from things that have soy in them too. (I hate like half a brick of tofu once and it was really tastey but I felt weird afterwards, so it can't hurt to just generally avoid that too) SO I can't really eat much proccessed anything. I make my own sweet things like cookies and cupcakes so I know what goes into them, and I usually use honey or maple syrup to sweeten them and then at half what it calls for. I don't feel at all deprived, I even have a stash of dark chocolate that doesn't contain soy (so it says) that I take a chunk off of if I need something "sweet" right away. I don't even fucking drink juice because it makes me sugar crash too hard and fast. (also it's really too sweet now anyhow)

tldr (on that); I like food and I eat whole foods and things where I KNOW the ingredients. I'm tired of hearing about my family member's diets that are working out wonderful for them because it's not all fry food like it was before. (or 500% anything/bread like my mom)

I feel like my own progress while way healthier, has stalled but it's currently 26 degrees in the second half of march so I can't even go for walks comfortably. Most of my favorite shirts are too big on me now, but I really like to hide in them. But I also stupidly want someone to realize that I'm hiding in them.

That's really what I got slammed with today. I want someone to like me, to notice me. I want someone else to say hey lookin' good. Internet yays are good and all but I interact with all kinds of people all day and either I am 1million x oblivious, or guys could care less. My hormones are all active now as well, where they didn't use to be before. I know exactly when they stopped working correctly too. It was during high school, because I remember the same feeling of pain and longing and then I remember not having that feeling anymore. But when my hormones were working right in high school I also remember being severely depressed. No one really knew I went home and cried and lay in bed most of the night, about no one liking me and being not worth anything nice. I am so so so afraid I'll go back to that, and I can't even wish I wasn't attracted to people because that happened already and it's just as shitty.

I do not understand how sitting here crying and being in pain is going to help me figure this out. I can not like myself first. I have tried so hard, I bet I could cry on cue if I only thought nice things about myself. Why should I believe myself? I have NO proof. No one has ever really honestly asked me out, no one has ever really found me attractive enough to hang around long enough for me to get a fucking clue. I just exist like this, in limbo. I don't know anything I don't exist because I'm inside myself. No one can like me because there is no me. I feel like a ghost that people can talk to.

I tell myself that I don't really need a guy, I can do all the things for myself that a guy would do. But it's never been about anything I can do too. I'm tired of being me and mentally trying to be my own boyfriend too. I can't be nice to myself, I get all mentally crippled and end up bawling.

that doesn't even really explain it well.

on top of feeling okay, then feeling fat and lonely, then feeling fine again. I also don't like doing things while my coworker is at work. I feel really really judged for doing silly things like making new name tags for the two dairy guys (one is named Jay, but I thought his nametag said Joy, so I made him one that did. then each one got a regular fancy new one) even though it made me happy. I like doing little things for people when I think of it. I've also been putting bears and bunnies together on lots of the boards that will be up for spring a while. I feel kind of judged for that too but I keep doing it because I like it. Other people think it's nifty too. But it took courage to do that, because it's going above and beyond just writing the basics on the board and putting it out on the floor. I would rather not work at all, but if I have to I would like to at least have some fun with it.

Maybe I'm tired of everything being terrible but it feel like when I'm trying to eat good things and people keep asking me if I want to go to mcdonalds. I don't want to be annoyed with all this shit at work, but I am and then other people are and all we do is bitch about it. Then I just end up being all negative.

Then I feel negative, as well as waves of tired and unattractive. Then I spend the night laying awake wondering why I'm not acceptable to other people. Why I'm so weird and don't understand the strange social things that seem to be so normal and easy for other people.

I wake up and go again the next day. But I really wish that today were the weekend because I'm tired and lonely feeling but I don't want to go back to work tomorrow.


that's a lot of emo... I feel mildly better.

now I'll either go to bed or spend more time watching jenna marbles videos and knitting more things.

Comments

[willowistari]

Uuuugh blarg why can't people just not comment on what others eat and mind their own damn business.

As for the hives, have you been using any different soaps? (Kind of a duh question probably, but.)

[willowistari]

Oh also, your letter is running later than anticipated because I'm trying to make a cute little sandshrew thing for it. :B

[demakat]

aww yay!

I haven't been using different soaps though, my showering is possibly the only thing where I manage to only change slowly so I know if stuff bothers me. I always get one or two hives, but this last time was just like 20 scattered over my legs and stomach. I am so ready for my body to find a new equilibrium and stop freaking out.

I may have to suck it up and go see what an allergist can do for me, like tests and crap. I've been doing everything through trial and error so far. I just don't want to have to take something for them all the time.