I feel stupid...and sad/lonely

[demakat]

So I am having a kind of shitty day because I didn't feed myself and as retaliation I can't keep up my mental defenses anymore. I cried on the way home because my low level of self worth keeps me from doing a lot of things. But also because I had to keep battling the nagging telling me that I didn't know why anyone would ever like me. This is untrue, people like all sorts, I am a sort, therefore someone has likely found me attractive in the past and will feel that way again in the future.
I still wish fairly often that I wasn't attracted to people though. I'm getting better at just enjoying myself, but my brain still activates and rains doom upon my eye candy parade. I don't know if objectifying people to the point of overriding the mean thoughts is something that I want to do however. Maybe I don't like being physically attracted to people because before now I was nearly always drawn to someone's personality and I don't like the fact that I find someone physically attractive first...when I'm not physically attractive? There is always that stipulation there. Knowing that's the wrong way to think about something and putting it into practice are two different difficulty levels.

Also I have no reference for when people are enjoying being sassy with me because I will sass back, or when they might like me and I'm too dense to realize it. I know nothing of flirting and don't do well with small talk.

I always wish people would just say they like me, but I won't do the same for other people so it seems unfair to expect it of others.