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Dec. 29th, 2012 08:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demakatSorry if I wrote randomness on things today
I thought I could work through what I was feeling with drawing, but I just don't care anymore.
I guess I thought that I was thinner than I was, that I would finally be able to get a nice winter coat and it would finally fit my body now that its more obvious my waist goes in severely. In all the fancy brands I just barely fit in the XL and that's the largest most of them come in. I can zipper it up, but just barely. I don't want to be this size anymore, I half want to go back to where I was before...at least I didn't feel anything. I felt ugly but I had an excuse for why no one wanted to date me. For quite some time I didn't even care about that at all. Now I can't seem to see anything else and I just want it to quit. I'm not any more desirable than I was, and I'm not going to get that way. On top of that I can't handle people saying I'm doing a good job or that I'm awesome. People say it at work. I am not awesome. I am just doing my job, and with what I know I can do, a very middle of the road job of it too. Yet everyone thinks all these things that are so basic to me are just beyond awesome.
I feel like I'm moving away from some of my friends, like I'm about to hit another period of time where I have to learn to be by myself again.
I felt like I had to hang out with my one friend, her husband, her friend from childhood she doesn't much care for and that girl's boyfriend. I wasn't just the 3rd wheel I was the 5th one. I felt awkward and disappointed in my life and sad that I was brought along so things wouldn't get too awkward.
I also got called lame (in jest) when I said I couldn't come out super late at night because I had to work the next day. In fact I had to work christmas eve too. I don't care if it was suppose to be amusing expression of disappointment on her part, I still felt shitty about it. I didn't want to be at work, I wanted to be at home.
Maybe I don't like christmas because my brain always chooses now to constantly remind me that I'm single. It's probably the fact that everything gets all gray.
It snowed at work on thursday and I kept going outside to just stand in it. I was so happy but felt really alone at the same time. I always feel like I'm at the very edge of everything. It's great because I can watch everything happen like I enjoy, but most people don't like to be there and I have yet to meet anyone else out there. Nice and lonely.
I keep feeding myself but I keep getting hungry pretty soon after. I don't know what else to feed myself sometimes. people keep trying to be nice and leave me things to eat, but the ingredients are things I can't have. basically if it comes out of a box or a package I probably can't eat it. making everything from scratch kind of sucks.
I have to think of something to give my coworker for his birthday. I'll probably make the crazy cake and then put it in a cupcake pan. Maybe two batches. I know at least, that he likes cake. uh maybe three batches because I know everyone here is going to want some too.
if I ever move out feeding myself only will be so awesome.
...guess I just had to word spew to feel a little better.
I thought I could work through what I was feeling with drawing, but I just don't care anymore.
I guess I thought that I was thinner than I was, that I would finally be able to get a nice winter coat and it would finally fit my body now that its more obvious my waist goes in severely. In all the fancy brands I just barely fit in the XL and that's the largest most of them come in. I can zipper it up, but just barely. I don't want to be this size anymore, I half want to go back to where I was before...at least I didn't feel anything. I felt ugly but I had an excuse for why no one wanted to date me. For quite some time I didn't even care about that at all. Now I can't seem to see anything else and I just want it to quit. I'm not any more desirable than I was, and I'm not going to get that way. On top of that I can't handle people saying I'm doing a good job or that I'm awesome. People say it at work. I am not awesome. I am just doing my job, and with what I know I can do, a very middle of the road job of it too. Yet everyone thinks all these things that are so basic to me are just beyond awesome.
I feel like I'm moving away from some of my friends, like I'm about to hit another period of time where I have to learn to be by myself again.
I felt like I had to hang out with my one friend, her husband, her friend from childhood she doesn't much care for and that girl's boyfriend. I wasn't just the 3rd wheel I was the 5th one. I felt awkward and disappointed in my life and sad that I was brought along so things wouldn't get too awkward.
I also got called lame (in jest) when I said I couldn't come out super late at night because I had to work the next day. In fact I had to work christmas eve too. I don't care if it was suppose to be amusing expression of disappointment on her part, I still felt shitty about it. I didn't want to be at work, I wanted to be at home.
Maybe I don't like christmas because my brain always chooses now to constantly remind me that I'm single. It's probably the fact that everything gets all gray.
It snowed at work on thursday and I kept going outside to just stand in it. I was so happy but felt really alone at the same time. I always feel like I'm at the very edge of everything. It's great because I can watch everything happen like I enjoy, but most people don't like to be there and I have yet to meet anyone else out there. Nice and lonely.
I keep feeding myself but I keep getting hungry pretty soon after. I don't know what else to feed myself sometimes. people keep trying to be nice and leave me things to eat, but the ingredients are things I can't have. basically if it comes out of a box or a package I probably can't eat it. making everything from scratch kind of sucks.
I have to think of something to give my coworker for his birthday. I'll probably make the crazy cake and then put it in a cupcake pan. Maybe two batches. I know at least, that he likes cake. uh maybe three batches because I know everyone here is going to want some too.
if I ever move out feeding myself only will be so awesome.
...guess I just had to word spew to feel a little better.
