fight like the sun
Nov. 13th, 2012 12:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demakatI'm having a hard time with money lately. The raise I got to for this job I have now covers the gas to get to the job. I can't move out and I can't tell if my friend doesn't want me to live at her house (she does have an extra room) or if I'm just not proactive enough to be moving my stuff in already. No one ever gives me a straight answer when I ask a direct question, which is frustrating and is making me kind of cry-e right now. Though that could be because all the fucking crackers in the world have palm oil in them and I ate some because it said no dairy and I forgot to look for palm oil.
I paid $300 to put a set of new tires on the back of my car. It hurt. Its still hurting because that's half of everything I managed to save up for a new car and it took me 4 months to do that. We don't even know what is super wrong with the current car I have. It should be fixable but right now our only options are to throw money at it because the problem doesn't happen consistently so there is no way to test and see what it is.
I can't even bring all my loans to a bank and ask what I can do about consolidating them because one of them is all fucked up thanks to the banks being closed yesterday. It was yelling at me on the site about how I'm two days over due. No, I'm not. But it won't acknowledge that I paid 5 days ago, until everything clears at the bank, which won't happen until wednesday. Then it will think I paid them on the 8th because I did. What am I suppose to do, go show a bank how I'm late on my student loans and then ask them for more money at a great rate?
and what is the good in consolidating my loans anyhow. I pay over four hundred dollars a month in loans, having them all rolled into one will just make it that much more shitty to pay because then it will be a giant lump sum. My rates are lower than most banks can offer me, I was going to see what the local credit union could do for me.
I am treading water and there is nothing I can do about it NOW. TODAY. This is upsetting.
all the guys in my life, if they know about this issue, tell me that I should go ask for a raise. I am going to start crying again just thinking about going into my boss and telling him ...basically something I don't believe. I feel like a groveling mess of a person, I want to tell them I am so sorry and that I can do better. But they see all these things where I'm awesome and should be paid more. Which is true? If I'm lying to myself I don't understand how to fix it. I keep trying to tell myself nice things, that I am worth more and I do a good job and every time I cry like its painful to hear praise.
how. do. I. fix. that!
---
I saw a poem someone wrote about badgers, when I was looking up their meaning.
I really didn't like most of the poem, but there was one single line that is everything.
"Fight like the sun."
I will battle until the end of the world, when we are all consumed. Even against myself.
---
I hope someday I can find someone who can play fight with me and I won't have to be afraid of hurting them. To trust someone enough and then have them also be hardy enough to deflect me until I learn to be more gentle, that will be hard to find.
---
I'm glad I took a mental health day from work. I didn't know I was going to, but getting tires took so long I just called off because the lead guy said he would be okay by himself.
There are so many things I should be doing as a responsible adult, but I don't want to. I just want to cry and to stop feeling ill and to play games on the computer that are mindless and fun at the same time.
I want a hug too, but those are harder to come by. My youngest sister is the only one home. I don't hate her, but I also don't trust her.
I paid $300 to put a set of new tires on the back of my car. It hurt. Its still hurting because that's half of everything I managed to save up for a new car and it took me 4 months to do that. We don't even know what is super wrong with the current car I have. It should be fixable but right now our only options are to throw money at it because the problem doesn't happen consistently so there is no way to test and see what it is.
I can't even bring all my loans to a bank and ask what I can do about consolidating them because one of them is all fucked up thanks to the banks being closed yesterday. It was yelling at me on the site about how I'm two days over due. No, I'm not. But it won't acknowledge that I paid 5 days ago, until everything clears at the bank, which won't happen until wednesday. Then it will think I paid them on the 8th because I did. What am I suppose to do, go show a bank how I'm late on my student loans and then ask them for more money at a great rate?
and what is the good in consolidating my loans anyhow. I pay over four hundred dollars a month in loans, having them all rolled into one will just make it that much more shitty to pay because then it will be a giant lump sum. My rates are lower than most banks can offer me, I was going to see what the local credit union could do for me.
I am treading water and there is nothing I can do about it NOW. TODAY. This is upsetting.
all the guys in my life, if they know about this issue, tell me that I should go ask for a raise. I am going to start crying again just thinking about going into my boss and telling him ...basically something I don't believe. I feel like a groveling mess of a person, I want to tell them I am so sorry and that I can do better. But they see all these things where I'm awesome and should be paid more. Which is true? If I'm lying to myself I don't understand how to fix it. I keep trying to tell myself nice things, that I am worth more and I do a good job and every time I cry like its painful to hear praise.
how. do. I. fix. that!
---
I saw a poem someone wrote about badgers, when I was looking up their meaning.
I really didn't like most of the poem, but there was one single line that is everything.
"Fight like the sun."
I will battle until the end of the world, when we are all consumed. Even against myself.
---
I hope someday I can find someone who can play fight with me and I won't have to be afraid of hurting them. To trust someone enough and then have them also be hardy enough to deflect me until I learn to be more gentle, that will be hard to find.
---
I'm glad I took a mental health day from work. I didn't know I was going to, but getting tires took so long I just called off because the lead guy said he would be okay by himself.
There are so many things I should be doing as a responsible adult, but I don't want to. I just want to cry and to stop feeling ill and to play games on the computer that are mindless and fun at the same time.
I want a hug too, but those are harder to come by. My youngest sister is the only one home. I don't hate her, but I also don't trust her.
