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Sep. 28th, 2012 09:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demakatI keep wanting to post about things that are going on, but then I get bored with it and delete them.
I feel very inside of myself lately. I've always felt like I don't really get other people. They all seem to want to be with others all the time and hang out. I want to just hang out with a few people and not all at the same time.
Its probably that time of the month, but everything seems harder with this guy at work. My brain keeps telling me that there is no way anyone would be interested in me ever. Factually I know this isn't true, but there are so many things that make it unlikely. I don't think that its fair to have any guy, even if I really like them, spend the amount of time its likely to take me to become comfortable with them. Even in a general sense. Because nothing at all is happening between me and this guy. I don't even really work with him often.
I guess its upsetting me because this is the first guy since high school that has really affected me at all. I find a lot that I wish he weren't there. Everyone else was just cute and acceptable and this is just way more extreme. I want it to stop, if I could have kept anything from before it would have been my ability not to really care. I found hardly anyone attractive before.
It hurts too because with this, all of the mean things my mind says are coming back to haunt me when they had been mostly gone or easily banished. I think he's avoiding me and then I remind myself he probably doesn't even notice. But I avoid people I like too, in an effort not to ruin their day or something messed up like that. I don't even have a good reason why. I just feel very apologetic that I've crossed their path, as though I've done something wrong by being present.
I feel like a cat. One that wants to be petted but runs away when you reach down to scratch behind the ears, but if someone would just quick pick me up and hug me I would melt all over the place.
also I can see how so many things are connected all over the place, but I can't see how anything is connected to me. I feel outside the web. Not special and set apart, but broken and unable to jump into the double dutch ropes. I can't see the opening for me to become part of things, I can just see the things.
this is what happens when dinner is guacamole with chips and then like 3 brownies...and I've done an overnight doing inventory and have to work again the next day.
It will pass. I wish I could make my attraction go away too though. At least in this instance. He seems like a nice person, I just can't manage to focus on that hardly at all. I kind of want to make him see that he isn't weird, that you don't have to be one specific thing, or fit into one specific group. He might even know this. I don't know how to do that though, for the people who really don't see that. I've already surrounded myself with people who are outside of any catagory. Its significantly easier to do on the internet.
possibly done with emo-time.
I am knitting this baby blanket for a friend. Its much slower going than the hats because I can only work on it at home. I got one of those big things of yarn, the whole pound ones. But the stitch I'm using is making this really awesome fabric.
tomorrow is going to be a time, I'm tired but my brain is motoring so I don't want to sleep. Plus I'll probably cry about things I can't control and I don't feel like it.
I feel very inside of myself lately. I've always felt like I don't really get other people. They all seem to want to be with others all the time and hang out. I want to just hang out with a few people and not all at the same time.
Its probably that time of the month, but everything seems harder with this guy at work. My brain keeps telling me that there is no way anyone would be interested in me ever. Factually I know this isn't true, but there are so many things that make it unlikely. I don't think that its fair to have any guy, even if I really like them, spend the amount of time its likely to take me to become comfortable with them. Even in a general sense. Because nothing at all is happening between me and this guy. I don't even really work with him often.
I guess its upsetting me because this is the first guy since high school that has really affected me at all. I find a lot that I wish he weren't there. Everyone else was just cute and acceptable and this is just way more extreme. I want it to stop, if I could have kept anything from before it would have been my ability not to really care. I found hardly anyone attractive before.
It hurts too because with this, all of the mean things my mind says are coming back to haunt me when they had been mostly gone or easily banished. I think he's avoiding me and then I remind myself he probably doesn't even notice. But I avoid people I like too, in an effort not to ruin their day or something messed up like that. I don't even have a good reason why. I just feel very apologetic that I've crossed their path, as though I've done something wrong by being present.
I feel like a cat. One that wants to be petted but runs away when you reach down to scratch behind the ears, but if someone would just quick pick me up and hug me I would melt all over the place.
also I can see how so many things are connected all over the place, but I can't see how anything is connected to me. I feel outside the web. Not special and set apart, but broken and unable to jump into the double dutch ropes. I can't see the opening for me to become part of things, I can just see the things.
this is what happens when dinner is guacamole with chips and then like 3 brownies...and I've done an overnight doing inventory and have to work again the next day.
It will pass. I wish I could make my attraction go away too though. At least in this instance. He seems like a nice person, I just can't manage to focus on that hardly at all. I kind of want to make him see that he isn't weird, that you don't have to be one specific thing, or fit into one specific group. He might even know this. I don't know how to do that though, for the people who really don't see that. I've already surrounded myself with people who are outside of any catagory. Its significantly easier to do on the internet.
possibly done with emo-time.
I am knitting this baby blanket for a friend. Its much slower going than the hats because I can only work on it at home. I got one of those big things of yarn, the whole pound ones. But the stitch I'm using is making this really awesome fabric.
tomorrow is going to be a time, I'm tired but my brain is motoring so I don't want to sleep. Plus I'll probably cry about things I can't control and I don't feel like it.
