Meditation

[demakat]

When I was little I could get lost in things. I would lay looking up and soon I wouldn't even be able to hear other people calling for me, until they thought something was wrong with me. Like I'd died or something. I always insisted I was fine, I was amazingly at peace.

I remember being a little older and understanding interconnectedness and how awesome breathing air was. I think I got told by a friend that I was being weird, so I started just keeping it to myself.

Somewhere in retail hell I lost some of that. Maybe it was because the internet filled all the holes that I would normally spend dissipating. Maybe its because I carried a lot of badness from working so long in retail. I never lost the ability, but it happened less and less.

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I went to a biological work station as part of a biology program at my community college. It was in Canada above new york. I was with all of these people I had never met before, on a little bus and we drove the 14+ hours to Toronto and then further north the next day.

There I met this guy named Rami. He looked like a douche, popped collar sort (it was years ago that might not have been the fashion) but he was so nice it was shocking. I had never encountered a person as nice as Rami. I thought I would never encounter someone as nice as him again.

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Kasey got hired a year or so after I'd been there. She was incredibly nice. I thought she was just being new and that would end. But it didn't. She was so nice a customer yelled at her to stop trying so hard. By that time we all knew she was just that amazingly nice, and now I'm hearing of more times she was crying at work and it makes me upset.

Matthew came to the store a while after Kasey and pretty immediately we all discovered that he was the same sort of amazing person as Kasey. Then they started dating.

So they are these awesome amazing people, who are going to hawaii to learn how to farm coconuts.

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which brings us to today. They are actually leaving in June, but this morning they had get together at this forest preserve. They had a group mediation. Normally I would be all worried about people judging me, but I knew that wouldn't be the case with Kasey and Matthew. There were so many people! Many more than I thought would come, and many different people from work than I thought would come.

I also thought that I would be able to feel the other people when we meditated, and I didn't. It was such an awesome experience. I felt myself get really small as my head blossomed away from me and turned into a giant white bubble. I imagined myself being in a giant lotus flower and it blossoming as I was sitting there. But then it was just mostly the bubble again. When I opened my eyes everything was like a black and white photo and it took some time for the colors to come back.

After all this we all got to stand around and talk to one another, which doesn't happen on the job too much. Then we all went for lunch at one of the stores some of us work at and sat eating food and talking about more stuff.

My face and some of my neck/shoulders is red but not burnt. It was an awesome day.

to end it I took a walk with another friend and I bought some frozen blueberry waffles. I need to see about making pancakes and freezing them like that so I can have pancakes in the morning without all the effort, but also full of more fruit. I have to see about getting some spelt flour too. Can't wait to get paid and see what kind of money is left after bills. There are a lot of sort of needs, maintenance type things. If I don't fix it now later it will be extra crappy and I'll have less money to fix it with. I am hoping for enough money to get a third account going though. One to save stuff and one to stash longterm bill money in like car insurance.

I drew a picture of things from today.

Comments

[willowistari]

I was gonna say, the very first part of your post sounds to me like you were meditating without actually realizing it.

[demakat]

Yeah I'm pretty sure that I was and I always did. This was really the first time outside of a yoga class that I'd done anything even close to actual meditation. Weirdly enough I think I was most afraid I would feel everyone else's energy? But I didn't I was able to close everything out and when stuff made noises do the whole acknowledge it and then let it go thing.

It has made me really introspective though, which tends to make me sad. Probably another reason I may have stopped making time to just exist. But I've been wanting to address my own internal issues for a while, and now might be the time.