more words...

[demakat]

Some days I feel like I've angered all the people I would rather weren't angry with me. Usually the real answer is that no one is angry with me at all, people are just having lives.

I made a card before yesterday's inktober that I didn't post. It's like art therapy now? I wrote "Why must I be all my own things". Why have I got to be the person who tells me I've got to pull myself together. Why have I got to be my own shoulder to cry on. Why have I got to be my own boyfriend if I want one.
I can do all of the things for myself. My mom pointed out this morning that I have the ability to be my own best friend and maybe that is really the problem. I don't really need other people. I would probably go a bit crazy eventually, but I could spend a very long time without talking to anyone. Really even this mostly feels like talking to just myself. I don't even know who sees this. Maybe two or three people.

None of this is probably real anyhow. I had a damn lot of sugar today, and pad thai that I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have eaten. Makes all of this thinking pretty much null and void.

It brings up loneliness though.
I always feel so far away from people. Like I've died and I'm a ghost who can just see them all live out lives, but no touching. I can care so deeply, but no one will ever know. Even when they do it's treated flippantly because of how casual I am with everything. I'm sure I've done the same to other people because I failed to listen. Or I've gone about life at my own pace.

I wish someone would come dance with me. I wish someone would be okay with touching me even though I'm awkward about from not understanding. I wish I had someone to cuddle with.
How am I suppose to do these things on my own?

Maybe spending all day with new people is stressing me out or something.

I have a cactus to become before saturday...