things, I guess.

[demakat]

One of my friends pointed out that I'm being like a cat lately. All these people want my attention but I only want the attention of people who won't pay me any mind. This is true. My family keeps wanting to know where I'm going, what I'm doing, what I'm making. Turn the corner and there is another person who wants to know the same things.

I've done a lot of telling people I want to do things lately. There is an idea in the internet that the people you tell will hold you accountable. Specifically the people that aren't your particular friends. More intimate friends tend to be more understanding if you fail, or change your mind.

I remember being younger and wanting to move to another country. I let people know and I always heard back from my dad "what you don't like it here" Half joke, half serious. No It's fine here, but I just want to live something, even if I end up coming back to the midwest. It's rare to escape entirely. Then I went to school in the city and I grew to love it for more than just the icon it often is. It's not about the big buildings. It's about walking across the street when it's clear instead of waiting for a light, being nice to the people asking for change on the corner without giving them anything and knowing there is always something happening if you want to go out. Always. So I thought, maybe I would just stay here forever, could I live with that? Yes. I like it well enough.

The problem is that I'm part of an international company and I have the opportunity to go places. I feel like I should use that. I don't have any kids, and I'm not in a relationship with anyone. I already talk on skype to one of my friends regularly enough that it doesn't matter where I am while I do so. Of the two others I actually physically hang out with one of them has just moved to another state as well. The third I see most often, and I wouldn't be there directly for titi stevie duties, but nothing skype can't really fix. It's not like I'm naturally cuddly...though babythings are wonderful for that because they don't have ingrained social norms yet. They just know you're a trusted adult figure.

I got told that it would likely be easier to get into a store in the UK, which seems a little backwards maybe. But like always I'm afraid. The motions keep happening though, I've asked people how to do things. I'm afraid that I'll fail. That I'll lose myself. That I might become someone else. I'm afraid of things I have no control over. I could keep sitting here, but instead small motions are happening. I'm afraid it seems a little like running away, but I was already putting things in motion before I decided to not talk to louis anymore. I keep wanting to know if I'll be happy or not. There is no way to tell. With internet access however, I have found I can be pretty happy anywhere. There is no reason not to do this, and I'm not resisting it. I just can't make anything go any faster than it is.

I would have to get rid of most of my things, to the tune of the originally agreed upon few items I can keep in the attic. I may be most excited about this part, plus it gives me something to do when I feel like nothing is moving fast enough.

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I feel like things in my life are pushing me towards the street art scene. Not like I'm going to be tagging shit and trying to run from the cops or anything. It's the ideas that I like. That there isn't bad art. Whatever you do, so long as you are making things, that's good. That is where it's at. You work, you get better, you live, you make.

There is a Dia de Los Muertos art show going on in the city. The guy who helped with our mural is business partners with the artist doing live stuff at the celebration. It's also at this place called the Multi Kulti. Multicultural center, but like just a community space. It seems art is alive and well on the southside. Too bad all the good jobs are on the northside with no good way to get anywhere quickly.

Ellen let me know it was going on and I really want to go check it out.

She also wants to give me an artist medal for finishing my book of artist trading cards. I'm still cutting them out at work because the swing arm cutter here is missing? I don't know if my mom threw it out or what. Means I won't have them for whole nother week though. I don't get back there until next saturday. The plan is to put them on etsy. I don't really have the draw of people to just put them up for sale willy nilly on tumblr or something.

I've been trying to do things every day, so that I get in the habit of making art, of posting art, of posting things for sale. It works okay so long as I remember not to just be dumb and cry about life and unknowns.