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Jul. 15th, 2013 05:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demakatI don't understand how I can be comfortable with someone this quickly. Why is he different. It makes me kind of angry, because I don't feel that it's reciprocated. But I can't tell if that is really what I'm feeling or if that is just what one of my defense systems is telling me to keep from getting hurt. I don't want to feel happy when I talk to him, it will be that much worse later. I know that isn't logical. Socially if I don't take risks there is nothing to be gained, and I will be where I am still.
Most of all though I feel bad for the people who care about me. Some of them radiate this little smile filled with hope, and some are even outright giddy and excited for me.
I keep feeling like somehow I'm going to ruin everything, and I'll have to let them know that all their happiness for me was misplaced. That it will always be misplaced.
I just have such a hard time understanding why he hasn't just told me off yet. If I can so quickly accept someone new like this, why can't I also quickly settle in and feel even mildly sure that he doesn't hate me.
and disappointingly I am becoming use to hugs...or I've created new defenses for it. That part is quite sad, I enjoyed feeling weirdly pleased for a few days afterward.
so conflicting, and I get no time to figure any of it out. I do not understand any of this crap!
edit: It is that I am angry with still feeling this way. why can't I just be friends, why can't I just play nice?
---
on to other life fails.
Most of all though I feel bad for the people who care about me. Some of them radiate this little smile filled with hope, and some are even outright giddy and excited for me.
I keep feeling like somehow I'm going to ruin everything, and I'll have to let them know that all their happiness for me was misplaced. That it will always be misplaced.
I just have such a hard time understanding why he hasn't just told me off yet. If I can so quickly accept someone new like this, why can't I also quickly settle in and feel even mildly sure that he doesn't hate me.
and disappointingly I am becoming use to hugs...or I've created new defenses for it. That part is quite sad, I enjoyed feeling weirdly pleased for a few days afterward.
so conflicting, and I get no time to figure any of it out. I do not understand any of this crap!
edit: It is that I am angry with still feeling this way. why can't I just be friends, why can't I just play nice?
---
on to other life fails.
- Flipping out after applying for a job I'm completely qualified to do.
- Work is still just me and now on top of regular duties I also have to train people to do things I don't know how to really do yet. I am SURE I can figure it out, like cocky sure, but I don't know that I will be able to train tons of people.
- I owe people letters. I'm sorry. life is kind of crazy right now, both internally and externally.
