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May. 25th, 2013 06:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demakatI don't know if I'm hitting all the backlash from meeting so many people this month or if I'm just having a super sulky day.
I feel terrible about my weight, and about boys and stupid things that I'm angry at myself for feeling upset about. I really just want to cry on someone, but I don't ever really let people touch me. I feel really broken and like I'm not suppose to be around people at all. Yet this is such a switch from what I had been feeling, that I wonder if it has something to do with what I ate.
Helping a friend move to colorado and I realized that we'd be going through nebraska during the day. Normally people would consider this terrible, but I want to see prairie and I've never driven or taken a train anywhere further west than the illinois/iowa border.
Recently I've had people be all "I like you and you, so you two should meet and hit it off and it will be super dating people land of happiness!' staring me as one of the people they like. This new person is cool and all, but I haven't found a connection yet and I just feel tired from trying to pretend I want to do more than just observe everyone. I just want people to tell me about themselves, but I can't ever remember how to ask until later when I'm not talking to them anymore. It keeps reminding me that I miss Simon. And that I'm stupid.
Plus everyone seems to think I'm so cool, but I don't feel cool. I feel super lame and I don't understand what everyone sees. The guy I work with said it's because I'm not a boring person, that I do things even if it is just knitting. I don't know how true this is.
Everything seems to be asking me to take a look at myself and how I see myself. I explained it's like being a floating brain or something. I hardly ever consider how I look, I just know I'm not attractive to many people, even now. I also know that I'm hard to read or something. I'm not sure what that part it is, but something I do upsets people just enough.
I should just be glad I am getting to do this even though it's over memorial day weekend. I should shower and pack I guess...
I feel terrible about my weight, and about boys and stupid things that I'm angry at myself for feeling upset about. I really just want to cry on someone, but I don't ever really let people touch me. I feel really broken and like I'm not suppose to be around people at all. Yet this is such a switch from what I had been feeling, that I wonder if it has something to do with what I ate.
Helping a friend move to colorado and I realized that we'd be going through nebraska during the day. Normally people would consider this terrible, but I want to see prairie and I've never driven or taken a train anywhere further west than the illinois/iowa border.
Recently I've had people be all "I like you and you, so you two should meet and hit it off and it will be super dating people land of happiness!' staring me as one of the people they like. This new person is cool and all, but I haven't found a connection yet and I just feel tired from trying to pretend I want to do more than just observe everyone. I just want people to tell me about themselves, but I can't ever remember how to ask until later when I'm not talking to them anymore. It keeps reminding me that I miss Simon. And that I'm stupid.
Plus everyone seems to think I'm so cool, but I don't feel cool. I feel super lame and I don't understand what everyone sees. The guy I work with said it's because I'm not a boring person, that I do things even if it is just knitting. I don't know how true this is.
Everything seems to be asking me to take a look at myself and how I see myself. I explained it's like being a floating brain or something. I hardly ever consider how I look, I just know I'm not attractive to many people, even now. I also know that I'm hard to read or something. I'm not sure what that part it is, but something I do upsets people just enough.
I should just be glad I am getting to do this even though it's over memorial day weekend. I should shower and pack I guess...
