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Dec. 5th, 2012 07:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demakatI've been having a hard time making words about things lately. Lots of stuff happened last week.
My dad fixed the part of my car that was causing it to just turn off at stop lights (and at least three times when it happened going 60 on the expressway). But the first day I have it back I drive to work and hardly make it there because the thing lost power steering and then started over heating. Turns out it was the serpentine belt. All you need to know about that part is its the belt that runs just about everything that isn't the actual motor on your car. It had fallen off because a pully-thing fell off while I was driving.
My dad was able to get me a new belt (got shredded), a new pully-thing (made of metal this time not plastic like the old one), coolant and power steering fluid. He fixed it all in the parking lot at work. When I went to leave the next morning though we found that the old belt had sliced a hole in the holding tank on the power steering motor. Two days later I finally got my car back and in working order.
At work I had been trying to gauge where I was as far as needing improvement at my job. Essentially my boss couldn't find anything that I really needed to work on. They warned be against losing motivation because the lead signmaker seems to have issues with that and they didn't want me to get caught in it.
So after arriving at home one day and getting an intervention style talk with my parents, where they found out that no I'm not spending money willy nilly I really do have that many bills, I went in and asked for a raise.
and I got told, "you know, that's not how you do that right?" So after finding out that I had asked the wrong people and that some of them had miss-informed me even though they should have known better, I found out how to actually go about getting a raise.
My boss wanted to know why I didn't just say this from the start. Well I would prefer to know if I have anything that I need to work on, and if I had I wouldn't have asked for a raise no matter what everyone else suggested/demanded of me. He also wanted to know what had changed and I said I'd realized that if something happens, like say...bits falling off my car and it overheating, I am not okay nor prepared for that. I am just swimming around, but waves could easily drown me. He is apparently going to see what other people with my job title are getting paid in the area and its possible they could adjust for that.
I look at it like: If I don't get paid accordingly now, I never will. New jobs will just pay me in relation to what I was making before, not what I am really worth. I just made them a christmas tree made of cardboard from a picture someone got off pinterest for fucks sake! How am I not making millions!? [(this one) I guess you need to sign in to get a pattern, but who is going to have a printer big enough to actually use a pattern? I'll let you in on a secret, go to youtube and learn how to make a pyramid box, problem solved. BTW you're all getting pyramid hats for christmas, I'll pre-cover them in foil for you.]
THEN today I went with my mom into the city and we got to see a christmas carol at the goodman theatre. It was awesome and I want to do more things like that. I think I miss the theatre. I had to stop helping out in high school because I wanted a car and so had to get a job (and sort of wanted a job because it meant my own personal money). I could volunteer and be one of the usher people, I saw one of them sitting down during the second act, so free shows. It would have to be on the weekend or in the evenings though. This might not happen because I already don't have free time. who knows. [spell check says that's not how to spell theatre, but that is how it is on their website so too bad spell check!]
---
my sister just texted me to ask if I was okay with her taking my car to dave and busters after her school is done (around 10pm)
My response: "No not okay with that. Love you and all that sister mushy crap but they serve alcohol there and I don't trust you. That car is more important to me than I want it to be."
I R diplomatic! she said she wasn't going to drink but she understood...so I guess yay?
She is using my car because she cracked a rim on her car after hitting a median with her's while she was following her friend somewhere and can't go long distances on it until she gets it fixed. As far as we know she was completely sober at the time she did this one...just probably texting while driving or something.
Oh and drunken uncle is busy being arrested and embarrassing again. grandma bailed him out again. dad is unsure what to do and sort of quiet about it. you can not help people who do not want it, they will fight you no matter how bad off they are. but he's taking my grandma down with him. but they are both in denial. it is full of stupid and there is no fixing it from the outside, it has to start with them honestly wanting to make a change. which they won't do because there is nothing wrong if they keep telling lies everything is FINE *insert vicious circle*
---
I'm having a hard time writing letters because I get self concious about my hand writing. I've been told by one person that they can't really read it, but I can't read theirs most of the time either. But I can read my own. The downfall of letter writing has produced really bad penmanship and stunted everyone's ability to read other people's cursive.
---
Edit: addon
I feel like a bad person because I can't spot all the things that offend people on the internet. This is a mostly irrational feeling. I want to be nice to people and not have them be upset, but I forget...everything. I just can't see it because I'm not looking for it, because I haven't experienced things. The worst I've been through is being fat* and alcoholism** so I guess those are the things I can spot?
Then I worry that I'm too much inside myself, and like I always have that I'm a selfish horrible person and I deserve to be alone because I can't understand other people. Which is also a load of shit. I just share by telling about me and expect other people to reciprocate by sharing about themselves because I broke the vulnerability wall down first. society it seems, does not operate under this premise and I am forced to ask people things, which I am unfamiliar with and have very very little practice at.
This section is brought to you by hormones and no one in particular on the internet. I have the feels it seems and I'm not sure what to do with them. The basket I was using keeps overflowing.
I looked at the play bill for the christmas carol and started thinking 'Ooo that one is cute'. I was upset by this because again NEW. Sometimes I'm 12 and everything is new and then I feel shame again and something with words here... I think its time for bed.
*which I'm personally not offended by. ya I'm fat, wish I wasn't cause daaamn I would have me some awesome men's clothing and lots and lots of frilly things they don't make in my size. But I am and I get the non-ugly frilly things they do make in my size and dress in men's t-shirts anyhow. Just got too much ass to fit in men's pants *cry*
**really if you think drinking is awesome what. ever., if I think what you're saying on the internet is interesting I can totally look around the whoo!party crap. I would have a harder time being actual friends with that person due to my own issues of trust. It's possible to get there though.
---
I let madison sit on my shoulder all tonight and now my hoodie has green marks from where he pooped. I JUST washed this. I love him but I am getting a little tired of poo stains.
My dad fixed the part of my car that was causing it to just turn off at stop lights (and at least three times when it happened going 60 on the expressway). But the first day I have it back I drive to work and hardly make it there because the thing lost power steering and then started over heating. Turns out it was the serpentine belt. All you need to know about that part is its the belt that runs just about everything that isn't the actual motor on your car. It had fallen off because a pully-thing fell off while I was driving.
My dad was able to get me a new belt (got shredded), a new pully-thing (made of metal this time not plastic like the old one), coolant and power steering fluid. He fixed it all in the parking lot at work. When I went to leave the next morning though we found that the old belt had sliced a hole in the holding tank on the power steering motor. Two days later I finally got my car back and in working order.
At work I had been trying to gauge where I was as far as needing improvement at my job. Essentially my boss couldn't find anything that I really needed to work on. They warned be against losing motivation because the lead signmaker seems to have issues with that and they didn't want me to get caught in it.
So after arriving at home one day and getting an intervention style talk with my parents, where they found out that no I'm not spending money willy nilly I really do have that many bills, I went in and asked for a raise.
and I got told, "you know, that's not how you do that right?" So after finding out that I had asked the wrong people and that some of them had miss-informed me even though they should have known better, I found out how to actually go about getting a raise.
My boss wanted to know why I didn't just say this from the start. Well I would prefer to know if I have anything that I need to work on, and if I had I wouldn't have asked for a raise no matter what everyone else suggested/demanded of me. He also wanted to know what had changed and I said I'd realized that if something happens, like say...bits falling off my car and it overheating, I am not okay nor prepared for that. I am just swimming around, but waves could easily drown me. He is apparently going to see what other people with my job title are getting paid in the area and its possible they could adjust for that.
I look at it like: If I don't get paid accordingly now, I never will. New jobs will just pay me in relation to what I was making before, not what I am really worth. I just made them a christmas tree made of cardboard from a picture someone got off pinterest for fucks sake! How am I not making millions!? [(this one) I guess you need to sign in to get a pattern, but who is going to have a printer big enough to actually use a pattern? I'll let you in on a secret, go to youtube and learn how to make a pyramid box, problem solved. BTW you're all getting pyramid hats for christmas, I'll pre-cover them in foil for you.]
THEN today I went with my mom into the city and we got to see a christmas carol at the goodman theatre. It was awesome and I want to do more things like that. I think I miss the theatre. I had to stop helping out in high school because I wanted a car and so had to get a job (and sort of wanted a job because it meant my own personal money). I could volunteer and be one of the usher people, I saw one of them sitting down during the second act, so free shows. It would have to be on the weekend or in the evenings though. This might not happen because I already don't have free time. who knows. [spell check says that's not how to spell theatre, but that is how it is on their website so too bad spell check!]
---
my sister just texted me to ask if I was okay with her taking my car to dave and busters after her school is done (around 10pm)
My response: "No not okay with that. Love you and all that sister mushy crap but they serve alcohol there and I don't trust you. That car is more important to me than I want it to be."
I R diplomatic! she said she wasn't going to drink but she understood...so I guess yay?
She is using my car because she cracked a rim on her car after hitting a median with her's while she was following her friend somewhere and can't go long distances on it until she gets it fixed. As far as we know she was completely sober at the time she did this one...just probably texting while driving or something.
Oh and drunken uncle is busy being arrested and embarrassing again. grandma bailed him out again. dad is unsure what to do and sort of quiet about it. you can not help people who do not want it, they will fight you no matter how bad off they are. but he's taking my grandma down with him. but they are both in denial. it is full of stupid and there is no fixing it from the outside, it has to start with them honestly wanting to make a change. which they won't do because there is nothing wrong if they keep telling lies everything is FINE *insert vicious circle*
---
I'm having a hard time writing letters because I get self concious about my hand writing. I've been told by one person that they can't really read it, but I can't read theirs most of the time either. But I can read my own. The downfall of letter writing has produced really bad penmanship and stunted everyone's ability to read other people's cursive.
---
Edit: addon
I feel like a bad person because I can't spot all the things that offend people on the internet. This is a mostly irrational feeling. I want to be nice to people and not have them be upset, but I forget...everything. I just can't see it because I'm not looking for it, because I haven't experienced things. The worst I've been through is being fat* and alcoholism** so I guess those are the things I can spot?
Then I worry that I'm too much inside myself, and like I always have that I'm a selfish horrible person and I deserve to be alone because I can't understand other people. Which is also a load of shit. I just share by telling about me and expect other people to reciprocate by sharing about themselves because I broke the vulnerability wall down first. society it seems, does not operate under this premise and I am forced to ask people things, which I am unfamiliar with and have very very little practice at.
This section is brought to you by hormones and no one in particular on the internet. I have the feels it seems and I'm not sure what to do with them. The basket I was using keeps overflowing.
I looked at the play bill for the christmas carol and started thinking 'Ooo that one is cute'. I was upset by this because again NEW. Sometimes I'm 12 and everything is new and then I feel shame again and something with words here... I think its time for bed.
*which I'm personally not offended by. ya I'm fat, wish I wasn't cause daaamn I would have me some awesome men's clothing and lots and lots of frilly things they don't make in my size. But I am and I get the non-ugly frilly things they do make in my size and dress in men's t-shirts anyhow. Just got too much ass to fit in men's pants *cry*
**really if you think drinking is awesome what. ever., if I think what you're saying on the internet is interesting I can totally look around the whoo!party crap. I would have a harder time being actual friends with that person due to my own issues of trust. It's possible to get there though.
---
I let madison sit on my shoulder all tonight and now my hoodie has green marks from where he pooped. I JUST washed this. I love him but I am getting a little tired of poo stains.
