christmas tree and then I sort of go off a deepend.

I finally cleared off my second desk, plugged in my lamp and set up my new tiny christmas tree. Accidental ornaments leads to... little kid style ones made of beads, snowmen (where did I eve get all of these O.o?) and roosters. I never got ornaments because I "don't have a christmas tree" because I don't have my own place. It sounds however like I'm getting more as gifts and it's hard to feel happy about that. It's hard not to feel disappointed in myself because I always told myself I could get a christmas tree when I moved out. I'm not though.

Had an emo-moment in the walmart parking lot yesterday. I saw a picture of someone I know being happy and having a dog after having moved to california over a year ago. It was painful on so many levels, though I don't think I would have been as in love with california as she is. Crying still happened. Thankfully walmart is the land of the hot-mess and so I fit right in.

Then there's the guy that I use to work with. On facebook he is so painfully adorable. Glee in matching clothing and personal appearance adorable. Which is really what I find funny about my brain finding him appealing. I don't really put much effort into my clothing or how I look, I just show up. (see hot-parkinglot-mess above) I would never be fun enough, or pretty enough, or even remotely presentable enough for him. Which is me deciding that he should have a fun and pretty girlfriend, he deserves to be happy (whatever the hell that is for him, because I don't really know. It requires talking to people)

The point is, that I have actually identified my problem. I don't think I am worth much at all, and I'll never be enough of anything. This is what I believe. So when people tell me all the things they tell me, or say about me to others, it's in direct conflict to this belief. I can hear them all, but it all falls off like I'm wearing armor. Which is probably what this belief is. If I am worthless then I can never be hurt, because no one can cut me lower than I think I am.

Sadly being aware of this doesn't actually solve it. I have no idea how to solve it. Most of the time I just ignore it and that works pretty well. Until I'm confronted with it, and then it usually results in crying until I forget again. Which obviously isn't really working, or fixing anything. repeat!

Hooray I figured it out? I am dejected kicked dog...but I did it to myself?
I'm out of analogies. Nothing like being attracted to men to make me completely lose my mind. Boo.

edit: maybe this is why I want a dog. They generally think their people are the complete world and I want something to consistently confront me with the fact that I am worthy of love? seems like a stretch... whatever.

edit2: and then the book I'm reading mentioned this song. Massive amounts of blubbering. Hallelujah

and again...
"Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging" Bingo.