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long post is long.
Jul. 8th, 2012 07:58 amI woke up at 4am and then went back to bed and had a dream where the interview for the job I want was happening and I had to hurry throw together things for it because it was happening right then. But I was wearing regular clothes and there was a big panel of people. Other random things happened, but in the end I felt like I hadn't really gotten the job. Then I woke up.
Which is really hard, because for many reasons I do want the job. Yet I'm scared about being the person in charge of stuff and I don't want the job. Yet I have confidence that I'll figure stuff out.
I think what I don't like, is the mild sense of feeling manipulated. Its less that I am being manipulated and more like people know things and aren't allowed to tell me. Like having this new job gently suggested to me for a while, and each time reacting with a no. Now after 2 months I see why it was being suggested to me and I can see all the reasons why I should go for it. But I am still a little annoyed that I couldn't just be told, yet they thought it was a good idea to start suggesting other things to me.
Since I have to much time I wonder if I should do a full letter sized book instead of a half sheet size... There are actual terms for that I'm sure.
I got given the job of letting my grandma's crazy dog out. Last time my uncle let him out while she was gone he ran away because he was scared. The scary part for me is that my uncle might go with my grandma, but he might not. Which means that I'd have to go let the dog out with my probably totally drunk uncle there too. My dad told me that if he says anything bad that I should tell him I'll tell. In reality if my uncle says anything bad the dog is staying with me for the day and I'm sure officers will be visiting me on assault charges. You touch me, I'll maim you right into a hospital bed even if I end up in one too.
...given that reaction I'm betting my touch issues are connected with trust issues. If I trust you I'll still probably be surprised if you hug me or something because it happens rarely. If I don't trust you we will have a bad touch moment, maybe even with some violence.
and thirdly
apparently my youngest sister is a massive idiot. She came in at 3am again.
Her words say: OMG I am so totally on the straight path! ha ha!
Her actions say: Whatever! I'm gonna do what I want!
she doesn't understand why people don't trust her.
she only seems to be able to function under extreme supervision.
When my dad was talking to me about letting the dog out we also got on the subject of people who can't stand being alone with themselves. People like my uncle, and probably like my youngest sister. It is something I don't understand. Yes being social is awesome, go be your social butterfly self, but sometimes you will have to be alone. It just happens. The middle sister has learned this. She loves to hang out with people, but she also spends time by herself and is okay.
ON A GOOD NOTE ITS ONLY 76! not 89, not 95, not even 103 degrees! seventy-six!!!!! and in an hour or two one of my friends will finally be awake and we can dooooo stuff. I don't even know what stuff.
in the mean time, laundry must happen.
Which is really hard, because for many reasons I do want the job. Yet I'm scared about being the person in charge of stuff and I don't want the job. Yet I have confidence that I'll figure stuff out.
I think what I don't like, is the mild sense of feeling manipulated. Its less that I am being manipulated and more like people know things and aren't allowed to tell me. Like having this new job gently suggested to me for a while, and each time reacting with a no. Now after 2 months I see why it was being suggested to me and I can see all the reasons why I should go for it. But I am still a little annoyed that I couldn't just be told, yet they thought it was a good idea to start suggesting other things to me.
Since I have to much time I wonder if I should do a full letter sized book instead of a half sheet size... There are actual terms for that I'm sure.
I got given the job of letting my grandma's crazy dog out. Last time my uncle let him out while she was gone he ran away because he was scared. The scary part for me is that my uncle might go with my grandma, but he might not. Which means that I'd have to go let the dog out with my probably totally drunk uncle there too. My dad told me that if he says anything bad that I should tell him I'll tell. In reality if my uncle says anything bad the dog is staying with me for the day and I'm sure officers will be visiting me on assault charges. You touch me, I'll maim you right into a hospital bed even if I end up in one too.
...given that reaction I'm betting my touch issues are connected with trust issues. If I trust you I'll still probably be surprised if you hug me or something because it happens rarely. If I don't trust you we will have a bad touch moment, maybe even with some violence.
and thirdly
apparently my youngest sister is a massive idiot. She came in at 3am again.
Her words say: OMG I am so totally on the straight path! ha ha!
Her actions say: Whatever! I'm gonna do what I want!
she doesn't understand why people don't trust her.
she only seems to be able to function under extreme supervision.
When my dad was talking to me about letting the dog out we also got on the subject of people who can't stand being alone with themselves. People like my uncle, and probably like my youngest sister. It is something I don't understand. Yes being social is awesome, go be your social butterfly self, but sometimes you will have to be alone. It just happens. The middle sister has learned this. She loves to hang out with people, but she also spends time by herself and is okay.
ON A GOOD NOTE ITS ONLY 76! not 89, not 95, not even 103 degrees! seventy-six!!!!! and in an hour or two one of my friends will finally be awake and we can dooooo stuff. I don't even know what stuff.
in the mean time, laundry must happen.
