and then there was a rukus!
Jun. 16th, 2012 09:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demakatI just had a rather loud but sort of short fight with my youngest siblings.
I leave this water pitcher I have in the bathroom while I'm letting it filter so I can fill it all the way and then bring it back to my room. But I forget it. Every time I do my brother ends up using the bathroom and then puts it all in the hall. Which pisses me off because why can't I have my thing in the bathroom. Its not there all the time.
Then I threw the mug/cup on the floor I was using to fill it and slammed my door and proceeded to punch the back of it enough times to make some of my joints? raw. Then my sister asked if he broke my cup and I shouted about how I threw the cup and he didn't hear right and got pissed off thinking I said HE threw it when he didn't. By that time no one would listen to me and I ended up jumping up and down screaming about how I threw the cup. Its probably in the back yard by now because while I was shouting for people to get their story straight he probably threw it off the back balcony into the rain.
Then we were all shouting about how I can't leave my stuff in public space because everyone uses the bathroom. I pointed out how he uses the communal computer as his personal office and my sister shouted about how no one else really uses that now do they.
Every time I leave anything of mine anywhere but in my room it gets returned to me or people make me come and get it. But my mom's stuff (more rightfully) is all over the damn house and the sister who was part of the shouting match leaves her school books and bags and shoes and nail polish remover all over the fucking place.
The most upsetting part though is that I'm still upset and I still keep breaking out into crying fits. I've been feeling judged lately, like I can't do anything right and if I just hide well enough some day I might get away from people and be able to expiriment with things and have no one ask questions and have no reason to become suddenly embarassed.
Like I want a juicer. I want to play with one and try it out, but its not a rentable...thing and the only person I know with one uses hers at least once a day. But if I go buy one people will ask questions and I'll feel embarassed and not want to use it in front of anyone. This is irrational and I know it, but I still feel that way. I have never felt guilt, but I feel shame at least once an hour, horrible horrible shame. Thankfully I usually ignore it, but I always have that little spark split second where I wonder if I've just dome something horribly wrong socially and I simply don't know it.
It is probably like that time of the month. I keep wanting to fight with someone, but I don't even know how to play fight with people. I was trying to make my dad a hat for fathers day that went along with his card. But now I just want to go cry myself to sleep thinking of how awful of a person I am and that's why no one loves me (again I know its irrational). Its probably really because I'm still fat and I need a brick to the face not very delicate flirting to understand that someone might be interested.
at least its raining, and writing this all out has helped. I'm no longer cycling through the crying and angry. just kind of crying every now and then. Maybe I should go watch kiki and cry at the movie instead.
I leave this water pitcher I have in the bathroom while I'm letting it filter so I can fill it all the way and then bring it back to my room. But I forget it. Every time I do my brother ends up using the bathroom and then puts it all in the hall. Which pisses me off because why can't I have my thing in the bathroom. Its not there all the time.
Then I threw the mug/cup on the floor I was using to fill it and slammed my door and proceeded to punch the back of it enough times to make some of my joints? raw. Then my sister asked if he broke my cup and I shouted about how I threw the cup and he didn't hear right and got pissed off thinking I said HE threw it when he didn't. By that time no one would listen to me and I ended up jumping up and down screaming about how I threw the cup. Its probably in the back yard by now because while I was shouting for people to get their story straight he probably threw it off the back balcony into the rain.
Then we were all shouting about how I can't leave my stuff in public space because everyone uses the bathroom. I pointed out how he uses the communal computer as his personal office and my sister shouted about how no one else really uses that now do they.
Every time I leave anything of mine anywhere but in my room it gets returned to me or people make me come and get it. But my mom's stuff (more rightfully) is all over the damn house and the sister who was part of the shouting match leaves her school books and bags and shoes and nail polish remover all over the fucking place.
The most upsetting part though is that I'm still upset and I still keep breaking out into crying fits. I've been feeling judged lately, like I can't do anything right and if I just hide well enough some day I might get away from people and be able to expiriment with things and have no one ask questions and have no reason to become suddenly embarassed.
Like I want a juicer. I want to play with one and try it out, but its not a rentable...thing and the only person I know with one uses hers at least once a day. But if I go buy one people will ask questions and I'll feel embarassed and not want to use it in front of anyone. This is irrational and I know it, but I still feel that way. I have never felt guilt, but I feel shame at least once an hour, horrible horrible shame. Thankfully I usually ignore it, but I always have that little spark split second where I wonder if I've just dome something horribly wrong socially and I simply don't know it.
It is probably like that time of the month. I keep wanting to fight with someone, but I don't even know how to play fight with people. I was trying to make my dad a hat for fathers day that went along with his card. But now I just want to go cry myself to sleep thinking of how awful of a person I am and that's why no one loves me (again I know its irrational). Its probably really because I'm still fat and I need a brick to the face not very delicate flirting to understand that someone might be interested.
at least its raining, and writing this all out has helped. I'm no longer cycling through the crying and angry. just kind of crying every now and then. Maybe I should go watch kiki and cry at the movie instead.
no subject
Date: 2012-06-17 04:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-06-17 04:29 am (UTC)I need to keep working on rearranging my things so that my room is like a tiny studio apartment.
Thankfully the cup was an ikea mug and it should survive unless he threw it at a tree, and I can still get them at the store. My nice cups don't usually leave my room for the same reason yours don't.
no subject
Date: 2012-06-17 04:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-06-17 05:29 am (UTC)