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[personal profile] demakat
I've been writing and deleting this shit for a while now. Every few months I come here, write something up half way, feel like a whiner and then delete it and close this.

The internet is so different now. I say as I sound supremely old.
But really, its interesting. I've recently wanted to try using whatsapp, but none of the friends I contact regularly on messenger care. Only one of them poked at the app with me, and then we've largely abandoned it because as my siblings say "who doesn't have unlimited texting???" Shh you're young, people still have old phone plans or pay as you go things, now go back to your snaptubes. They aren't even really that young, one of them just lives a consciousness? sort of existence. Gotta remember, it's just different kinds of knowledge. I have hardly dated anyone, and think humans are weird in general. She dates a lot and asks other people what they think about stuff in her life. Different!
The point is that even when people want to quit spaces they're in, you can't guarantee that everyone you want to hang out with will follow you. I quit facebook and I basically cut myself off from a friend I wanted to keep in contact with. He's still there because it's where everyone is. People are mad at twitter too. I don't have particulars, it seems justified though. Are we going to just quit using it? Maybe some people did, but everything is such a pick your battles situation right now. If you have a message you want to spread all the social media avenues have their problems.
I've wanted somewhere like this since people kind of evacuated Livejournal. Yet here I am not using this when I have it. No one said I have to stop this. I want to blog more, and make words, because words seem to be what's happening finally. Not so much art right now.

I'm realizing that I have no idea who I am and what I like. I haven't known for years. I am someone, but I've spent so much time focusing on other people...and I don't quite know how to stop. Right now the idea is more reading, more seeing, more doing. Honing my routine things so that I can scoot them around and it still works. I'm considering quitting my job to get multiple part time jobs. But first I need to visit things like the dentist and the doctor, and maybe an eye doctor (old or ?). It's just so many moving parts that I need to try and nudge myself to do. Being a real adult and acting like it is fucking scary, and weird and kind of like...playing house? Is it wrong to go into the dentist and say hey, nothing hurts but I KNOW stuff is really wrong in there. How much money do I have in my health account thing? How do I find that out? (I sort of know the answers to all of these, but I haven't actually acted on any of it.)

On that note I got myself some magical stationary things, not like it keeps me organized but they make me feel good and that's a goal. Feel good and walk on.
I got this Hobonichi Techo in japanese. Cause I kind of like not being able to read things. I love the paper, it feels like bible paper (weird reference, but go feel up the ones at the bookstore if you haven't before) because it's really thin, but ink doesn't bleed through it. Kind of translucent, it's sensory bliss. I refused to get rid of a packet of 'onionskin paper' for a long time because I love the feel of it so much. This is the improved enjoyable version. I had intended it to be my before bed log/journal, but now it's kind of a daily diary thing, that will probably change over the course of the year.

The article I got the evening journal idea from did theirs without any feelings, but because I have issues with not wanting/liking my feelings I decided after a while this wasn't a good habit for me. Now I let it kind of run where it needs to go before I sleep, while trying to keep it to what happened that day. Not sure where the article got to now, but they had used a Moleskine daily planner. I wanted that daily planner bad. Last year though I couldn't really justify it, and I didn't know if I would stick with the habit. I ended up starting a lot of habits in May last year, coincidentally I'm not sure how we got to Janauary already. This year though, because I had been blowing through tiny notebooks for the daily journal part I finally let myself get one. The joy was kind of dampened because of the Techo from above, but it's still really satisfying.

And now I've gotten distracted and bought pens online again! One of my coworkers is leaving our store for his original store(?) Like a brief college stint where he got to be the dad person he is and now he's returning to the original store like whut I didn't have hair when I left! We won't have such a confidently sassy rooster for a long time I suspect. All the notebook talk reminded me that I had wanted to get him a safety orange notebook like the one I have. It's Leuchttrum1917, a counter to the usual little moleskine books. Both have a stretchy band, both have a back pocket. Moleskine has gotten all excited about stickers lately, but Leuchttrum always had them because GERMAN and how else are you going to catalog your notes geez! In the same vein they also have a pre-printed blank index area at the front and the pages are already numbered for you. I'm considering getting him a Rhodia pad as well so he can write tickets to people, but in his new role he'll have less minions and thus less instructions to dole out. My job and work is very weird, just because it's not what people expect out of a grocery store and yet it's exactly what they expect*. The same thing with when I worked at a bank. Being a teller is boring and you get desensitized both to money and signing your life away really quickly. Blah blah blah court of law, yeah whatever *scribble* 10k in hundreds is not a lot of money, physically or monetarily. Building things out of the money bricks was fun though.

I don't know where I was going with any of this. Hi I'm still alive. I'm avoiding doing things I should be right now. Like wrapping a gift or working on a project. Or figuring out how to delete photos off my phone without deleting them off internet storage...??? Internet jury is still out on how this actually works in google's BS.

*yes I have seen people walk in the back and just stand there before telling a customer we don't have the product. I understand why too. People think that you're lying if you don't "go look" but this guy is the buyer. He's not going to magically find the yogurt you want because he KNOWS that it's not back there. He's probably pissed cause people like it and his order didn't come in so NO he doesn't haven any in back. We all need to assume better of the people we encounter, not worse. >:|


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