demakat: (pinefresh)
[personal profile] demakat
My mom asked me "were you having a good day before all of this"
Yes.

I was/am fighting with one of my friends* (it's probably not you, I promise).

And I was upset but I don't really feel hurt. I'm suppose to. Some of the words that were said, it's like I can see their intent and its almost dis-associative in response. I'm not even where they're aiming, and I haven't been there for a long time. One of my other friends without knowing many details suggested a digital sabbatical for the week. I'm already trying to figure out where to put my phone during the day. I'd like to have it available for emergencies but otherwise I kind of don't want it right now.
I am pulling away from so many things. But it doesn't feel bad, it feels freeing. I closed my facebook account a few weeks ago. The friend I'm fighting with would often send me links that were nearly exclusively from facebook. I just wasn't actually getting anything from it. I learned that I could keep my messenger account open to talk with people who use that and I was done, out. I can go back if I need to for work or something, but I haven't really wanted to go back since.
I can't tell if this is bad or good. I suspect if I were extroverted and started pulling away that it would be bad. But I've spent 4 years now without the amount of alone/relaxation time I need. Sitting in traffic is not relaxation. This is all probably just me starting to take care of myself better. I have to remember not to get carried away, and plan how to change everything. I want to change small things at first. Sustainable things. I want to shower more often. Technically, efficiency wise I only need to shower once a week. There isn't really any harm in taking short other showers to be clean generally and be in warm water. It's good and I relax. More relaxation.
I just put a smile face sticker on my calendar for today. I put up a note that says 10 pushups or 15 squats. That reddit Life Pro Tip is a good idea. In essence "Something is better than nothing at all" I had to do them awkwardly in my office at work, but I did do the squats today. It's hard to find things that aren't food rewards. But I like having boxes filled in, so it might work.
That's two things (I still need a definite day/time plan for the shower thing to hold myself to) and I want to keep going. But it would be too many things to keep track of.
... okay just taped heart stickers next to the calendar too, those are for when I "take care of myself" by showering. Which I also did today instead of going right back out after work. Apparently that's a thing people do. They come home and shower before going out again.**

I use to think that my youngest sister was really weird. She's really into quotes and stuff. I didn't get it. But now on the back of the door I have a big calendar (usually there) and a post it note about squats and pushups, two sets of stickers, a corkboard [with an old copy of the amtrak empire builder schedule, my steven universe lanyard, and a card that says "Just Run Expiriments" with a heart drawn under it.] And I've just learned that I spelled experiments wrong on the card. Paper doesn't come with spellcheck. I like it anyway, because of the heart that I colored in with pink highlighter.
But I keep hearing the inner critic voice, like "what's this going to even do for you?" For a long time now it hasn't been in my voice. It's been in my friend's voice. Like a critical parent. Only they're not my parent. My actual parents might not understand everything I do, but if it makes me happy and isn't hurting anyone it's pretty fine by them. However my dad has asked me why I even let that voice in my head... and I didn't. It just sort of happened and now it's hard to separate the voice and my friend. I want to get rid of the voice, it's not mine, this is not how I think or sound. This is not what I believe. At least let me hear my own voice, my own opinions.

I made a collage of myself, because my mom had made one for the new ye. I didn't want to do it at first, but then I decided that it would be a good idea to try. Because the phrase of the year is "Just run experiments" It's been working really well so far. Just try, and see what happens. So I tried. The collage took a week or two. I just recently cleaned up a little (15 minute timer, another experiment gone well) and was able to transfer it to my easel so I could see it more often. There are a lot of things, but the only words are " What is it like to be you?" and "Love does not get lost on it's way home". I wrote down the love quote a long time ago, and finally pasted it on here permanently. Most centrally though, I don't know what it's like to be me. I can't answer that. I love all the things I put on there. They make me feel happy, or safe, or feel something. But they don't seem very cohesive. This is another thing that the inner critic voice tells me is stupid and means nothing. Which is a pretty sure sign it could mean something. I have no idea what. That is okay.

I'm tired of hearing in my head that something won't work. On most occasions I have no idea if this is true, and neither does the voice that says it because I've never tried before. Religion, meditation, counseling, self-help books, hugs! (still kind of scared of this one).

I feel like I should write an apology to my friend, but I might do it on actual paper.
I'm sorry that I didn't realize I had specific expectations, and got angry when they went unmet despite not voicing them. I'm learning that my anger is often a result of my want to control things, and those things not working out the way I wanted. I don't have control over other people's reactions, responses or opinions.
There are other bits probably, but I'm going to sleep on it.

... I am afraid that my friend will be extreme in her anger. That she will hate me forever and we won't be friends anymore. That they'll throw out or burn everything that even reminds them of me. This fear makes me sad, because I don't feel as strongly and I feel guilt (misplaced?) for causing this (even though I haven't that I know of, it's imaginary). Yet it wouldn't be out of character to them to end a friendship, and be upset about it. It's also not uncharacteristic for them to smash things when they are very angry.


---

*I doubt they read or even know about this blog or whatever, but I don't really expect to say anything I wouldn't try to articulate to them as well.

**Someone suggested I look into Adult Children of Alcoholics, which I technically am. Somewhere in the reading on the site or internet it mentions 'guessing at normal' I nearly cried. I try to guess at normal all the time.

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