demakat: (Default)
[personal profile] demakat
I finally got yarn for a project, and every time I start it I pick up a mystery stitch. I can't figure out from where, and this time I just completely undid the small amount I had done. So I redid it to the point where normally mystery stitch appears and then I stopped to write this.

I had the day off and I spent this morning going through a giant stack of old magazines I wanted to look at for the last year or more. I really like having time to myself, and I really like talking with my siblings in the morning. Plus I can't stop hearing what my mom said, that maybe if I got a job closer to home I'd be able to have a life. I don't often get to have time that isn't in my room full of crap (still) and is useful to me emotionally.

Maybe I want to be the produce sign writer. Stack apples, write signs, 'no I'm sorry we don't have concord grapes those are seasonal'. Maybe I should just give in to the job that's been haunting me forever and get certified as an accountant, and do book keeping. Be an artist on the side.

I keep watching all these things everyone is producing and I feel so empty. Like I forgot how to make things. Everything seems like a time barter. It seems like the study on poor people making mistakes with their finances because they are fatigued from having to make hard choices all the time every day. Accept I feel like I'm doing that with my creativity and instead I just want to go somewhere, lay down and hope moss starts to grow. I feel sad, and I'm worried that it won't go away with the season change. How do I get more sleep, find time to exercise, read, draw, listen to music, CLEAN SHIT UP, make food and still hang out with friends?

Watched this where he talks about a creative bank account and draws things while he talks so cool. It's the same concept as the creative well from the artist's way (which I could never get into really). That you can only create so much without refilling the bank account. I maybe put $5 in, so later when I go to make something I can only make something worth $5 because that's all I have. The solution is of course to consume more things, but I'm back at the start of the paragraph above this one. I am tapped, and I have been for a long while, maybe going on a year and a half now. I keep feeling like there is a way to "do it all" and I'm just not seeing it, but in reality I probably just need to calm down. Find non-crappy books to read (I did not connect with any of the characters in wicked, I made it 1/3 of the way in or more) and go to the gym with my sister when I can (free for me). Because I signed up for a 5k... Because I want to be able to do fun things with my friends. Sometimes I'm an idiot.
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